From worst to worst

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by extremely_unlucky, Jan 30, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Life for me started out like every other child. I was happy, playful, and fearless. I love to learn about the world and exploring various object around my house. As a kid, I was confidence, carefree and very social. Soon did I know that my world would turn upside down in only a few years.

    I came into this world as a mistake, one that would cause me pain and torture for the next 12 years. I was born with my lip sticking out and everyone would make fun of me. Everyone would call me "big lip" and it wasn't long before people started to bully me. No ONE wanted to be my friend and I was the center of rumor. Instead of having a normal school experience, everyday was a test of my survival and endurance. It only got worst from then on, in middle school I got beat up almost daily at school by my own personal bully and his friends. I even got beat up in class without the teacher doing anything to break it up. Hell it didn't stop until I got out of high school. I was the target, I was the weak and shy kid. With my lip not fix until my freshman year of high school I continue to be an outcast.

    Fast-forward by this time everyone is social and outgoing and I had became my worst nightmare. I was no longer outgoing, playful, carefree but weak and shy. The only good memories out of high school is the fact that I almost had a girlfriend and by this time I had braces so it fix my lip but end up with another unknown consequences. The truth was fear of being known as an outcast prevent me from being her boyfriend because I was so a shame of what I could not control.

    A few months after leaving her I had develop social anxiety and have been suffering thought most of college until I manage to face my fear and got help.

    Fast-foward to recently and I don't even remember what it was like to be social or carefree. I really don't. Even in college I am still an outcast, a person who has never ever had friends in his life. It drive me crazy day in and day out and I almost lost my mind and wanted to end it all but after suffering for so long their is no point in dying. Living for me is dying so therefore it is like I am already dead.

    I'm a third year in college and despite my best effort to makes friends and change my life around, too much damage has already be done. I had high hope (perhaps fool hopes?) that college would be the fresh start I been waiting all my life and then I develop social anxiety, which prevented me from even making friends and the people who wanted to be my friends I ignore them and that what social anxiety does to you.

    Yes despite all of this horror, the worst thing to happen to me is my unablity to smile. I have a physical handicap or surgeon would say birth defect that prevent me from smiling properly and prevent me from laughing and is also preventing me from being outgoing, social, and most importantly having that special someone. It also make me feel like a beast, a different and lower form of a human being and because of it I doubt I'll ever meet someone special nor will I make friends. I hate being alone, and I have a few chances with some very attractive ladies but if I had a smile I am 100% sure I wouldn't be single by now.

    Now I don't know whether I am curse, but I am truly extremely unlucky.

    Thank You for reading. I made it as short as possible.
  2. PoisonS

    PoisonS Well-Known Member

    Most people who are social and outgoing and have tons of friends are usually fooling themselves. All of those people are friends for the pure and simple reason that they're afraid of being alone.

    And you know what? None of them are true or loyal toward eachother. When it comes down to it, with people like that, it's all about themselves.

    So consider what you call a curse an actual gift, because instead of having dozens of people who will turn their back on you as soon as things get hard, one day you'll have a select few people who truly love you and will support you through anything.

    Feel free to PM if you want to talk.
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I really can't say it better than PoisonS, as they covered all the points I was going to as well.

    For what is it worth and it may not be much I was a model and have been called attractive by many. I say this not to brag to but to tell you looks don't matter, I dated a man paralyzed from the waist down so being "intimate " was never an option. I also dated a man with a facial defect too so for me looks did not matter. So do "pretty" girls always date pretty guys? NO!

    Now external beauty is not everything I know but I like to think I am beautiful on the inside with lots of love to give so like to be able to say I am one of the "beautiful" women, inside and outside, that was not put off by these men being different then most in society. And truth be told it was not their so called "handicap" that impeded true love but their attitude towards themselves that was the problem.

    I am sure this is little comfort to you but please do not give up hope and know that you are not alone as I have been looking for that special someone for years now and have not gone on a date in about 3 years. It is a lonely road we travel but I am here if you need me.

    Take care and :arms: Bambi
  4. Thanks PoisonS and Bambi.

    I agree with you that most people with lot of friends aren't really trustworthy. I have sort of lost my trust in mankind. There are very few people I want to be friends with. I had some really good friends who like, she was also didn't connect with these so call "popular" people and she would come and knock at my door every morning so we can hang out, I only hang out with her for a couple of days until out of nowhere social anxiety hit. She was someone who could be call a true friends, she never gave up on me, even after 6 months of trying to talk to me, even only 6 feet away from me in her room she could only talk to me on email and aim. I had another friends, we hang out daily, we went to eat several time, but then once again once Anxiety hit, I had to ignore her or I would get a panic attack and I lost them.

    Nowadays I haven't met any nice people. I don't know if I'll ever find true friends, it seem that whoever created me didn't want me to have friends:unsure:. It is a sure bet that I would have two great friends, who are also female and that without anxiety, nothing would prevent me from continuing to being their friends. Don't know if you guys ever know anyone or have suffer social anxiety yourselves, but it change your whole personality overnight.

    Till then I didn't know I could be love or like or even have friends. I live most if not all of my life as an outcast, and even till this day I feel I am incapable of feeling love, incapable or ever feeling wanted. And it no longer a feeling anymore, but I get negative vibe from anyone I ever try to talk to now, everyone seem to have their own agenda, whatever it is doesn't seem to include me. It has been and always has been an experiences.

    Thanks Bambi for your story. I'm sorry to say I don't have that good attitude that you are talking about.
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    But you have a chance at finding that "good attitude." You are here. And you are among people that really understand you. We cant see you so no one here can base you on your looks. And they really dont matter to the majority of the members here. But what you are as a person on the inside and the pain that you are suffering is what counts. In your words we can "see" that part of you. A major part of you. Bigger than you looks or abilities.

    So keep posting. Wander around the site and read posts and threads that seem to be familar to your own thoughts and pain. But keep sharing. Let people here try and help you through this.

    Have you heard the saying... "if it wasnt for bad luck I'd have no luck at all"? This might just be the beginning to you having good luck and leaving all the bad luck behind. Maybe your bad luck was really good luck because it helped you find this site and many people that understand and will help however they can. :arms:
  6. PoisonS

    PoisonS Well-Known Member

    I suffer from mild social anxiety. But I just suck it up and go out there anyway and try to have a good time instead of staying inside and giving in to my fears. Because I refuse to let them make me miserable for the rest of my life.

    It can be hard, but once you realize that whatever reason it is that makes you afraid of being around people isn't true, and you can just forget it and have fun, you'll finally be able to be happy.

    You need to face your fears or you will never get past this.
  7. I mean I'm a nice guy but I just don't have that good attitude to see myself in another light. It is very hard for me to react to people attitude toward me. It get very hard when they do smile at me I try my best, but it just not enough for me. I can't express my interest, my happiness, my true self to the outside world. I can only walk in the shadow and imagine what it would be really like to be able to show the world your love:sad: There is just no laughter in my voice, no happiness in my eyes, no love in my heart.

    I have never heard that saying before, and thanks but I don't think my luck will change. If it was truly luck, it wouldn't break up my friendship and it wouldn't ruin everything I work so hard for to achieve nor would it wait till this long, but I know your trying to see the glass half full.

    Poisons I don't know where you got the idea that I try to avoid people and stay inside my room all days? I think this is all a big misunderstanding. My anxiety wasn't mild, I was room ridden, I suffer from avoidance personality disorder, and I almost got kick out of college for failing so many classes in a row. I'm sorry Poison but mild anxiety is just not the same, it not even close but I know your trying to help me.

    I also suffer from personal conflict with my parents and how their view are so opposite of this world, I was trap with my back toward the wall. I couldn't make the simplest decision because of the guilt that has bought on upon my parents nor could I escape the sadness that contradict this guilt.
  8. PoisonS

    PoisonS Well-Known Member

    You're very pessimistic. Do you want to be this miserable for the rest of your life?

    I wasn't trying to compare mild anxiety to what you suffer from, but you asked if anyone else suffered from social anxiety.

    You're cutting yourself off from people, even on this forum, I can already see the pattern starting.
    I may not know how hard a time you have dealing with this, but I do know that if you let it control your life you are never going to be happy.

    And you know, self expression is only one part of letting people know that you're happy, you actually have to feel those things as well, and right now it doesn't really seem as if you do.

    Dwelling on this disorder and telling yourself how horrible it is all the time is only going to make it worse and it's just going to consume your entire life.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.