I'm tired of suffering like I always do, some people ask me if I enjoy doing this to myself. No I don't. I in fact hate it. Pain and misery is all I'm used too. I remember being happy at one point, than things got bad again and now I'm back to being depressed. I ended up with another abusive person and broke up in November. When people tell me they care: I don't believe them. When people ignore me: I'm so used to it, yet it still hurts me. I have a dependent issue on people sometimes. I love people and than I go back to hating people cause when people disappoint me I get paranoid and upset. It's not just one person either when I'm angry. I say "people" and I know it makes it look as if I'm pointing fingers at everyone. I think I'm mostly angry and disappointed is myself. I allowed people to abuse me and put me down, it's what I'm used too. I'm not used to anything else but abuse and when your mind set is used to something, I realized that I keep letting in abusive people and people that try to hurt me. I'm so paranoid about people and always assuming that people hate me or is talking badly about me. Not used to people being nice to me at all. Last night I was so depressed that I came close to cutting myself cause I think I need to punish myself for being so stupid and allowing people to abuse me. In the end I stopped myself.