I just made a thread talking about all this shit that I've been delaing with. I hit submit new thread and it didn't go through. I had to re login or something. I am so sick of stupid shit happening in my life. I am tired of the hurt both past and present and I am sick of all the hurt being "up to me" to deal with. NO IT ISN'T!!!! I am repsonsible how I deal with things, yes...I know that. But I will be goddamned if I supposed to only blame myself for all the bullshit that I have endured form others over the years. I'm talking about the bullying and rejections and just other types of bullshit that doesn't all makes sense to me why it all happened. I had someone say to me once that what you do affects others. it's true but do you know why this asshole said it to me? He said it to guilt trip me into not moving forward with my education at the time. According to him, I wasn't thinking about my family, which is funny, because a) they didn't seem to care that I was transferring schools and b) he never spoke to them. What he said, was true though...the reason why it pissed me off is because that same guy when I opened up to him about my hurts at the time dismissed everything with "what's done is done" and and "those people have moved on" and yet when I tried to move on and better myself, that makes me selfish or something. Well I'm sick of that one sided bullshit. It's like it's okay for others to hurt me and cross that line but I have to follow some lopsided rules in life that only apply to me apparently. I got hurt by someone six years ago and it still doesn't make sense as to what exactly I did wrong. Maybe I did deserve beign rejected by her, but the way she did it was so harsh and confusing. I wanted to take my life and even though some things have happened in my life to feel somewhat hopeful...sometimes i wish I would have went through with it. I am so sick of being told to appreciate what I have in life....no, sometimes it's too much and soemtimes I just can't deal with it all, like right now. I know I am being selfish and know that this is a huge rambling mess....the one I wrote before was no better, but this time i am really furstrated. I am trying to be grateful for thigns like having one year of sobriety and at least soem stability in my life due to it. But I am not happy and the pain and wounds of the past have and probably never will heal at this point. Sorry for rambling like this. i'll stop here.