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Frustrated, angry, full of inner dialogue about suicide

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by strange_crusade, Feb 20, 2014.

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  1. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    I'm tired, fed up, angry..and I've been fighting or ignoring suicidal thoughts and desires for over ten years now. I can't figure out why I would want something so bad and not pursue it.
    So, if I give myself a chance to think or talk/write when no one's around, I talk about killing myself like it's a certainty and I'm definitely going to do it, but I don't even know where those thoughts come from half the time and I'm not sure if I should take them seriously. I'm reluctant to go for help IRL as I may, in fact, want to just go ahead and do it.

    I have no family, have distanced myself from most of my friends geographically and emotionally. I live with one person but knowing him for such a short time, I feel resentful stifling my true desires just for him...even though it's true I'd hate to hurt him over this.

    I'm more angry than anything - it underlies all the depression (as is often the case, I know). My anger is insane. Murderous. I suppress it now, but for how long? I'd rather just kill myself than wait until I explode on someone who doesn't deserve it.
  2. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Lots of questions, but a couple for now.

    Have you told the man you are with about this.

    Why do you think you have these thoughts.

    What would it take to put things right for you, either straight away or bit by bit.
  3. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    Hi, I'll answer your questions as much as I'm able to for now.

    Have you told the man you are with about this?
    Yes, but I've omitted much of the extent and intensity of these thoughts. Several months ago (November?), I was experiencing possibly the beginning of this current depression, and I mentioned having some suicidal thoughts to him, quickly backed up with 'assurances' that I would never go through with it haha. So, I guess he knows I have tendencies, but not just how bad or persistent it is.

    Why do you think you have these thoughts? Good question. A festering pot of bitterness, don't even know where to begin. I dissociate, must have had some trauma. whole years in past are a complete blur. can't figure it out, not sure if I want to. i hate my body/hate physical reality. tired of having to worry about taking care of it. I have no money, no fun, no distraction, no car. can't even buy drugs or drink anymore. If I wasn't living with this guy, I'm convinced I'd be homeless. don't know how to take care of myself alone in the world, but feel it's the only alternative to being here. I don't want to work crappy low-paying retail jobs, but don't know how to get back to college. Extreme anger/rage leads to vivid mental scenes of self-harm or suicide. these never go away, even when/if i'm in a decent mood. I'm so sick of holding back.

    What would it take to put things right for you, either straight away or bit by bit? Everyday, I'm more and more convinced that will just never happen. Even if I had all the money/freedom I've been craving, I know it would all be for nothing, as it'd just be more fuel for my destructiveness.
    it all seems pretty futile atm
  4. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Ok, so perhaps if you could try to be more open with him he could offer more support?

    Your appearence, if thats what you mean about looking after yourself, wouldnt it be a good way to make a start tyere? Not sure if you mean physically or just in your current supply of clothes. But with a little effort or cost to help with either would be a good start.

    You mention no cash for drink or drugs, well you have already made a positive step there as your money has gone on something more practical.

    As for becoming homeless, im not sure of your location, but wherever you are there is always help to prevent this. If you are in england i am pretty much up to date with what you are entitled to so as to stop that from happening.

    Low paying jobs can be hard to accept. But it would give you some income and however mundane the position is, you would meet new people as well as getting out more, plus some money at least. Worth thinking about.

    And a magic fix isnt you asking for the impossible is it? You just want money and freedom. So think of what ive said to see if it may be a start.
  5. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    Appearance included, sure, but I meant more immediate things like being tired of worrying about feeding myself and having shelter. If I discovered I had some serious health condition, esp. a life-threatening one, I'm not sure I'd fight it. I'm sick of having a body that I have to manage and care for in order to survive. If I were dead I'd obviously bypass the pain of physical reality. Appearance is the icing on the cake here. I manage to shower every few days and brush my teeth haha.
    I already work a low-paying job part-time, have experienced plenty of retail full-time in the past, and it's rather miserable for me. I meet people, but I don't get along with them easily. I'm too quiet or sad or something.

    Money and freedom would be good up to point. It'd certainly be better than this, but IMHO not convinced it'd change anything for me emotionally. Like I said, it might just give me better ammunition for self-destruction. Not that I wouldn't LOVE that...I would delight in the means to mess myself up the way I imagine doing it.

    As for the person I'm living with...this is a pretty complicated situation. I've told him a bit about it, and don't feel like he'd be very supportive on an emotional level. I was 'testing' him out with a few words, and didn't get the impression he'd be too sympathetic.

    thanks for responding, btw. I know I haven't been too forthcoming, and may not be for a while. have to run to work in a few minutes..
    and the real big stuff that is making me crazy and suicidal is hard to talk about. money and job stuff is frustrating, but it'd be manageable if I were able to figure out how to overcome the internal hell I fester within
  6. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Well you have thought about how to handle some of the issues.

    The small job could maybe be expanded for more money and time away from home, chance to meet more people where there could be friends.

    Partner hasnt blanked you, so gentle confiding could improve his interest.

    As for becoming seriously ill, well we hope it doesnt happen and none of us could say for sure how we would cope or deal with it so best leave that thought.

    Similarly with having more money. Probably any amount if personal wealth could not be quite enough. And if it came suddenly, different people would react in different ways.
  7. strange_crusade

    strange_crusade Active Member

    yeah, I recently applied for a promotion at that job and was turned down. It was a significant disappointment, and I don't look forward to having to work two jobs or more just to exist now. Maybe could eventually get the promotion to full-time work, but I need money now.

    I think about terminal illness as often as I do suicide, if not more. maybe because my mom died early of cancer or I just feel like I'm rotting from the inside out. I might even have it (early stages) for all I know. it runs in the family. but I don't go to the doctor or have health insurance or care, so how would I know? I know for a fact that some part of me would feel immense relief if I was told I had a six-month life expectancy. I might feel other things, too...but positive emotions would be there.

    So many things are wrong with the living situation, but it's the only thing I can think of now other than those accomodations for homeless people you speak of.
    I can't afford an apartment on my own. I will NEVER go anywhere near my family again, so the family home is so undesirable it's basically not an option for me.
    I don't want to burden old friends by asking to stay with them. Old friends live closer to my family anyway, and well..we know where that's going. NOT happening.

    Imo, losing the will to live really puts a damper on life prospects. There are many things I could do in my situation that I just don't have energy for, or the passion to fight for.
    It seems infinitely easier to just welcome decay and entropy.
    There's a near malicious hope that if I let my life get bad enough, I'll finally have the courage/motivation to end it.
    It's cold enough right now that if I went outside and stayed there for the rest of the night, I'd die of hypothermia. Yet, I don't do it and the simple reason is just that it would be uncomfortable.
    So I must really not like being uncomfortable. What keeps me alive is also making me miserable.
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