I'm tired, fed up, angry..and I've been fighting or ignoring suicidal thoughts and desires for over ten years now. I can't figure out why I would want something so bad and not pursue it. So, if I give myself a chance to think or talk/write when no one's around, I talk about killing myself like it's a certainty and I'm definitely going to do it, but I don't even know where those thoughts come from half the time and I'm not sure if I should take them seriously. I'm reluctant to go for help IRL as I may, in fact, want to just go ahead and do it. I have no family, have distanced myself from most of my friends geographically and emotionally. I live with one person but knowing him for such a short time, I feel resentful stifling my true desires just for him...even though it's true I'd hate to hurt him over this. I'm more angry than anything - it underlies all the depression (as is often the case, I know). My anger is insane. Murderous. I suppress it now, but for how long? I'd rather just kill myself than wait until I explode on someone who doesn't deserve it.