Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Domo, Apr 26, 2010.

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  1. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    The title says it all.

    Just not sure this is worth the fight anymore.

    I've left my psychiatrist appointment this morning feeling worse. I didn't take the mood stabiliser he prescribed last time. I felt like it would be admitting that there was something really wrong. I have no problem with the anti depressants but to add more... It's getting to serious.

    Sometimes i feel fine, the next suicidal. I guess that's the problem. But it makes me reluctant to take more pills.

    He says it's not a clear cut case of depression. But then i don't get any of the highs of bipolar. So basically he doesn't know what the hell is wrong.

    I am not sure i want to know either.

    I have a few people around me at the moment but i still feel alone. I feel poisonous. Toxic. It's only a matter of time before they leave and i can't handle any more abandonment. So then i hurt them before they hurt me. The most beautiful people i have ever known who deserve nothing but love and respect.

    It's all so self destructive. It's all so predictable and still i let it happen. I have no control.

    No matter what happens my mind jumps straight to suicide as an option.

    Nothing really means anything anymore. Or maybe it all means too much.

    I don't even know what i am talking about. I just want all this to end.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you need to take your medication okay it will help you it will. And as for friends leaving you no no way I know this trick i do it too push everyone away gt them mad at me. The true friends will come back and stay and support you okay if not then they are struggling themselves to stay stable. They can't support you and themselves too it is too hard for them Be patient okay i hope others here reach out and help you because you are so worth the fight You are one of the most caring people i have made as a friend. IT was you who kept me safe okay when i was abandoned right you kept me going so let me help you stay strong. You matter you are so very special
  3. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I don't want more pills. I don't want to have to be medicated to tolerate living. It's too sad.

    Fuck their stability and leaving me. I'd have sacficed myself for them and what do i get in return? I'm never fucking enough. I am never want anybody wants.

    They all get to walk away and i am here fucking rotting and feeding off this.
  4. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Have you talked about BPII or cyclothymia? Both are BPI-esque, but they can lack the "highs" of BP. Also, BP doesn't have to mean you are "high". I get very angry and pissy when I'm hypomanic.

    And yeah, pills are part of the routine. Some people with BP and other mood disorders can function without meds, but it takes someone who is deeply farmilliar with themselves and their illness, and pretty much constant contact with a therapist. It's not easy, or even always doable, but it's possible to have a mood disorder and not be medicated. HOWEVER, if you are actively suicidal, it probably is best to at least start on some meds.
  5. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Yeah he mentiond i could fall under a Bipolar II or a NOS category. It's just that it's not so clear so he wants to see me for a bit longer before making another diagnosis.

    My moods change so quickly, like i am suicidal right now, and in ten minutes i could be fine.

    Which leads me to my next point about not being sure how 'serious' i am about suicide. I mean it's what i want but it's so natural for my mind to go there. I am not sure if it's lost all meaning. I don't know if that makes sense.

    I am still taking an anti depressant. Just haven't started on the mood stabiliser.

    Then my ex said i was fine when we were together. So maybe this is all in my head, or maybe i just held it together really well.

    I just have no idea anymore.
  6. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Okay, believe it or not, it's a Good Thing (tm) that your doc wants to see you more before making a diagnosis. Incorrect diagnoses suck more than accurate ones, because its like starting all over again.

    And I understand what you mean about switching so quickly. I am not a rapid cycler, but that is something that happens to me when I am hypomanic. I go back and forth between things like a light switch. I can be laughing one minute, screaming the next. It's probably why, if I commit suicide, that it will be an entirely impulsive act.

    Also, "lesser" mood disorders aren't seen by some people. If you are very high functioning normally, then people may just think you're moody. It really all depends on how the BP manifests itself. No one really believed my BP diagnosis (even drs) until I hit my very first BAD episode.

    Stop. Breathe. You aren't crazy.
  7. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Yeah i know it's a good thing. I just wish it wasn't so complicated. I wish i was a textbook case so i knew what i was dealing with.

    And yes, i suppose i am high functioning which makes me feel guilty and that maybe i am over reacting.
  8. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Text book cases only have it easier in diagnosis. The mes merry-go-round is something we all deal with.

    And why on earth would being high functioning make you guilty? It's just how the bpanifests itself.
  9. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I don't know. I suppose i just feel like i don't deserve to have it easier then some.

    I don't know.
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