Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by MoAnamCara, Aug 19, 2011.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Just getting myself so worked up. Is it time? Why am I putting myself through this, trying and trying and getting nowhere? Why bother with the op if I'm not going to be here forever? Wouldn't the condition just make hanging so much easier and quicker?

    I feel I am at my breaking point, honestly. Its just all too much for me right now. I will tell you all I'm okay. But I'm not. I'm really, really struggling. Sometimes honesty is not the best policy and so why I am being this way right now I am not sure. Perhaps just trying to hide my shame in reaching out? To admit and accept I'm not strong enough to cope.

    This is all I can do, this is as much as I can do. There is nothing else I can do, no one else I can reach out to. I am sorry, and thank you.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Mo,

    I didn't know what to say earlier when I read your post.. but seeing as it's unanswered.. I thought about this some and remembered that I told a teacher of mine in a psych hospital that "Honesty doesn't seem like the best policy" as I felt trapped in the hospital at times (without freedom) and knew that telling the truth would get me committed long-term. He said "the most important thing is that you be honest with yourself."

    I still don't know exactly what he meant by that. I asked him about that, and he just said "cool."

    Anyways, plenty of hugs to you. Hundreds. Bazillions. :hug:

    With care,

    Mr. A
  3. whatif

    whatif Well-Known Member

    It is hard a lot of the time to cope to make it threw another day know that it all ends the same way your born you live you die it wont change that's all there is just try make the best while your living
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Mo, I'm sorry this decision is so hard for you with all your responsibilties..I really think you need to have it done now though so you have time to heal..Before more demands are put on you..Oh I'll just email you..Hugs, Joseph
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Mo...I truly know this struggle. The likelihood is that I might have to go back to the hospital for more surgery, when I just want to be left alone...please get the care you need, and I will try to do the same...and please PM me so I can support does help to know someone understands what is going on...much caring, J
  6. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I know I sound pathetic, I can hear it.

    I know this is nothing compared to others, I am aware.

    Yet I know I'm about to crumble, I feel it creeping up on me. My soul feels such dispair. I know I have to do this and this and this, but am I going to be able to? I feel a sense of loss for myself. I feel so anxious and quite alone.

    Thank you for your replies, I apologize.
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I understand you feel like you sound pathetic. I think we all do to some degree when we reach out for help or are in pain and feeling down. You are suffering, which is something, no different than suffering that others go through. All suffering, all something urgent. :hug:
  9. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Mo... Gentle hugs to you!

    You do not sound pathetic, please know that, you are completely, completely entitled to feel as you do, you have and are going through so much! There is no sliding scale of importance of feelings and issues, your feelings and everything you're going through is just as valid and just as important ok.

    I had written a really long reply and then lost it all when I tried to post. So want to post this quickly.
    As SF says LET IT ALL OUT!! Be true to yourself and your feelings and say it as it is, keep venting and being honest. In just telling it like it is I am sure will lift a load in itself. You are lovely, a valued and appreciated member of SF.
    You have supported so many, please let us in and allow us to support you.

    Thinking of you and sending you heaps of gentle hugs xx
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So, at what point do I choose? What choices do I have anyway? Why should I care, how can I?

    Desperately, selfishly want out. What to do?
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I just don't know.
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, you actually do not sound pathetic. So many of us here would stuggle with the same feelings when faced with this choice. And I do want to say that everyone, including you, deserves equally to post about their pain. Pain is pain. You dont compare it for others. right? You honor their pain as being very real and difficult. The same is true for you.

    My vote of course is that you do everything you can to take care of your body. Doing otherwise is way too irrevocable. Perhaps in doing so, you will find support you did not know you have. I always suggest something for people who need support irl and live in the US. "Uinted way" has all sorts of agencies they partially Fund. They have a listing of resources that can be pretty amazing. And part of their function is to direct people to those services. Usually they can be reached by dialing 211 on the phone.

    When I needed support to navagate something daunting, I called them, twice. The second time produced a miracle of sourts. A little known agency that supports people who are mentally ill. The woman was awesome. And she not only helped me through the two year long process of getting on disability, she went to the hearing before the judge and..... well cried when I talked. If I had not called united way... twice..... I would not have found out about this very small obscure group of people who are there to help and support.

    Perhaps you could call them and explain your circumstances. let them know you need support, irl. to get through this difficult time. I want you to live.

    Sorry this was so long. I never told this whole story before. Maybe it can help you. And others who might read it. :hug: :hugtackles: and many :roses: for you during this difficult time
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    flowers - many hugs and thanks to you. I need to sort out my mind.
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I don't seem to be able to find any advice for you Mo (my brains in limbo) but know I'm thinking of you and want you to do what's best for yourself .
    you are kind and caring and we need you here.:arms:
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Today, at right this moment, I give up. I simply give up. My hands are in the air - do whatever you want to me.

    I just can't try any more, I'm so tired of being at odds with myself and others. If you don't like me and don't want to talk to me, hey - thats fine - just tell me.

    I cannot please my sig other, no matter what I do. Its one comment after another and they hurt, they hurt so much.

    And now, later this week, I'm going to be trapped. I can't drive, can't be independant. This is just not good with how I am feeling currently.

    And how can I continuously rely on others here? Its just not good, not correct, it is selfish.

    So I surrender, my soul and my being. This is too hard, just too much, you can all do with me as you want. I am tired of fighting, tired of trying to help, tired of putting on a happy face, tired of trying.

    I am so close, yet I struggle with the how and the ultimate why. I cannot cope. I wish someone would realize and recognize and ultimately help. But I don't have "someone's" to do this.

    So onward I go, debating and questioning but in complete surrender mode at the same time.

    Oh, and I apologize. Of course. I apologize.
  16. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I think that a place of complete surrender where we can turn it all over to a loving force larger than ourselves, whatever that is for each of us, the result can be good. As long as we continue to allow the surrender. Although I have never done this, I have no doubt that it has worked for many.

    You CAN continously rely on people here. We are your friends. It is correct, And it is not at all selfish. Wouldnt you want that for a friend here? That he or she rely on you when she is realy down and needing support and help ?

    I was listening to a wise teacher once on a teleconference. I think it was Neale Donald Walsch, He was talking about taking aka recieving. He said that recieving / taking is as important as giving. He said to think of it as the inhalation and the exhalation. We cannot really live without both. And yet many try to live with the cycle of giving and recieving out of balance. Thinking they should give more than they recieve. Or thinking they do not deserve to take / recieve much at all. So I do invite you to allow your friends here to give to you. Because when we can exhale more fully ( aka give) , we then inhale life much more fully :heart Please allow us to give. And know you are not being selfish :hug:
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    So now what to do? trying not to si, so started on wine instead. now i still need to si. whats the point in hiding all of this? don't i need to be honest with myself first? I think i need to leave, go away, be quiet.

    how do i tell those that need told how i am doing? i mean, honestly? not the scripted, edited version.
  18. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Mo, I am glad you are being honest. But I do not think that leaving, going away, is the answer. I hope you can fight the urge to isolate. I know its a trite question. But still I want to ask. During this time of crisis, is there anyone also irl who can help. Ideally, I want you to post more here. And then also to find someone irl who can be of support. I hope that somehow you can find that. And talk here as much as possible. At SF. :hug:
  19. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Just wanted to pop in and say that I've gotten to know both of you a bit (Flowers and Mo)... and you've both been every bit as kind as any person I have wished to meet.. what you two are doing tonight is what this site's all about. So thank you. :hug: Stay safe.. with the best wishes possible, Mr. A
  20. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Mo I am your friend and I care!!!
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