Hello, I have never posted in this particular forum, though I have in several other forums here... I think to an extent I've been avoiding posting here. This is the one topic that affects me the most and to me is the most scary to talk about. I have been in abusive situations since my mom passed when I was 12. After that, Dad just wasn't there for me emotionally... I had to do all my homework alone and if I didn't know how to do it, I had to sit there by myself til I figured it out (many nights I stayed up til 3am doing homework even though i had to get up b4 6am to get ready for school the next day), was expected to have supper ready for the family when he came home from work, had to keep the house spotless, and even help out financially.... and not ask to go out places with friends (which wasnt much of a problem because all my friends more or less abandoned me when mom died). Then when I was 14, my violin teacher tried to molest me, when I told dad I wanted to quit violin lessons, I was told I was a quitter and would never amount to anything in life and that I was to be the one to explain that I was quitting, so I had to call my teacher and tell him. Did I tell dad the reason why I wanted to quit? No. Why? Because I had already lost my mom.... and had recently gained a step mom and 2 step sisters that were abusive to me... I couldn't bear the thought of dad going to jail from trying to protect me and me losing him as well and then having to deal w/ my step mom and step sisters alone. I did tell my step mom however, and she was there but said nothing to dad while he lit into me. This was the first time I heard these things come from him, but in no way was it the last. I heard it again when I wanted to quit my first job because I was being severely sexually harassed by being trapped inside the walk in freezer and the dishwasher would hold the door all but a few inches closed and would refuse to let me through unless I'd agree to kiss/fondle him and so I'd wait til others came in the back room cuz then he'd leave but when I finally got tired of it, I told the boss... and she told everyone I was after their jobs and willing to spread lies about them to do so, so all the other employees turned on me and made it hell for me to work there, so I quit... and took the insults from dad. I heard it over and over again all during my first relationship with a boy (which lasted over 2yrs and resulted in a child). I was raped once by that boyfriend, but I refused to look on it as rape because it had started out as consensual sex and had only changed to something unwanted when he took it upon himself to enter into my "backside" rather than the "front side" even after I told him not to... I was very upset over it, but in my mind, he was the only one that truly loved me, so I forgave him and moved on... then after I had his baby and gone through the adoption process alone (we broke up when I was 7 mo along due to him cheating on me for 2 months and me not being able to forgive him in 2wks) he showed up at my door while I was taking a shower. He was pounding hard on the door but since I was in the shower I tried to ignore it thinking whoever it was could come back when I was decent. He just kept pounding harder.. so I threw on a bathrobe, opened the door, told him to wait and I'd be right back. I turned to go get dressed, and he caught my bathrobe belt and it knotted... and he pulled me over and proceeded to rape me. When I told the cops I was told that it wasn't really rape b/c we'd had a past sexual relationship therefore it was just a lover's spat. Shortly after that, I was raped by a co-worker while we were on break. I didn't report that though because I had learned all reporting rape does is get you more hurt. From there, I have bounced from one controlling or abusive relationsihp to another. The funny thing about those relationships though is this: they seem perfect for like the first six months... then they start showing their abusive/controlling ways, but they do it in such a way, I believe "if I can just be better, we will be perfect like we were before, this is my fault, I can fix this", only... when I fix the part of me that I thought was wrong, there's always another thing I do wrong too... until I get so beat down emotionally I'm almost non-existant by the time I end up moving on or they end up leaving me. Currently I am married and have been with him for 7yrs total (including dating and married years) and yes, it is abusive/controlling too. The reasons I stay are complex. First, both of us are on disability and neither of us make enough to be able to make it on our own financially. Second, he has told me that if I leave, he will live on the streets again (he did that for 28 yrs) but since he has had problems with diabetes in his past, if he did that and started having those problems again, the likelihood that he would die is great and as fucked up as it is, I do love him, so that is not something I could live with. Third, I have 3 dogs that he would most likely kill, even if unintentionally, if I were not around... another thing I could not live with, but its very hard to find a place for me and 3 dogs. Fourth, I also have borderline personality which makes it very hard to let go... for reasons of abandonment and etc, makes it extremely easy for me to blame myself and tell myself that nobody could ever love me, that I will never be happy, etc and i wind up not only depressed and suicidal but also pyschotic in a way that only encourages the suicidality in me... so in a way I become more dangerous to myself than he ever was. Now, having said all this.... I also want to say something else. I came to this site both to help others and to receive help because the winter months and may/june are my hardest times. So now, I both post on the forums here and I talk in chat. Lately though I have noticed something troubling about chat that really frustrates me and hurts me. People there, while meaning to be helpful, in fact are sometimes very hurtful...especially when it comes to people suffering from abuse within a relationship. It leaves me wondering this.... why is it so easy for them to understand addiction to drugs and alcohol or even to cigarettes and the difficulties in getting away from those things... but its damn near impossible for them to understand the dynamics of an abusive relationships and the difficulties getting out of that? It's like it's the victim's fault becasue they "don't want to get away bad enough" or they "don't really want help" or they are "just co-dependant" or etc. Yet, if a drug addict says "I can't stop doing heroine, its just too hard, its the only thing that makes me feel good/happy" the responses are "I know its hard, but you can do it... it will change your life around after awhile, even though its hard as hell in the beginning and hurts, it will get better... we're here to support you" or similar. I have been told my whole life basically that my abuse is my fault, or that its not really abuse but just me exaggerating it or etc. I have never dared to ask why. Now I need to know that answer. Why am I the one at fault ...why am I the one that deserves such things as weapons being brandished to me and only put down an inch from impact, or to be hit, or punched, or kicked, or verbally abused, or raped or etc.... what makes me so deserving of these things and undeserving of compassion or help? Am I really that bad a person? I had always heard (until abuse started happening to me) that nobody deserves rape or to be abused.... but the treatment I receive everytime I try to talk about it tells me different. I am confused. I am hurt. I am frustrated. Should I just shut up and go away and just take it rather than reach out? Please, tell me what I should do... other than the obvious "get out" .... I know I need to do that, but I need to do it in a way that is soemthign I can live with too... unless, again, I'm totally off in left field and I'm just not important enough to consider the emotional impact of leaving in different ways will do? Sorry this is so long, had a lot to vent out and I'm still not sure what can be said/done to make me feel any less hurt and confused and frustrated.