Frustration on many many levels -- long post, sorry

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by demuredawn, Dec 18, 2013.

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  1. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    I have never posted in this particular forum, though I have in several other forums here... I think to an extent I've been avoiding posting here. This is the one topic that affects me the most and to me is the most scary to talk about. I have been in abusive situations since my mom passed when I was 12. After that, Dad just wasn't there for me emotionally... I had to do all my homework alone and if I didn't know how to do it, I had to sit there by myself til I figured it out (many nights I stayed up til 3am doing homework even though i had to get up b4 6am to get ready for school the next day), was expected to have supper ready for the family when he came home from work, had to keep the house spotless, and even help out financially.... and not ask to go out places with friends (which wasnt much of a problem because all my friends more or less abandoned me when mom died). Then when I was 14, my violin teacher tried to molest me, when I told dad I wanted to quit violin lessons, I was told I was a quitter and would never amount to anything in life and that I was to be the one to explain that I was quitting, so I had to call my teacher and tell him. Did I tell dad the reason why I wanted to quit? No. Why? Because I had already lost my mom.... and had recently gained a step mom and 2 step sisters that were abusive to me... I couldn't bear the thought of dad going to jail from trying to protect me and me losing him as well and then having to deal w/ my step mom and step sisters alone. I did tell my step mom however, and she was there but said nothing to dad while he lit into me. This was the first time I heard these things come from him, but in no way was it the last. I heard it again when I wanted to quit my first job because I was being severely sexually harassed by being trapped inside the walk in freezer and the dishwasher would hold the door all but a few inches closed and would refuse to let me through unless I'd agree to kiss/fondle him and so I'd wait til others came in the back room cuz then he'd leave but when I finally got tired of it, I told the boss... and she told everyone I was after their jobs and willing to spread lies about them to do so, so all the other employees turned on me and made it hell for me to work there, so I quit... and took the insults from dad. I heard it over and over again all during my first relationship with a boy (which lasted over 2yrs and resulted in a child). I was raped once by that boyfriend, but I refused to look on it as rape because it had started out as consensual sex and had only changed to something unwanted when he took it upon himself to enter into my "backside" rather than the "front side" even after I told him not to... I was very upset over it, but in my mind, he was the only one that truly loved me, so I forgave him and moved on... then after I had his baby and gone through the adoption process alone (we broke up when I was 7 mo along due to him cheating on me for 2 months and me not being able to forgive him in 2wks) he showed up at my door while I was taking a shower. He was pounding hard on the door but since I was in the shower I tried to ignore it thinking whoever it was could come back when I was decent. He just kept pounding harder.. so I threw on a bathrobe, opened the door, told him to wait and I'd be right back. I turned to go get dressed, and he caught my bathrobe belt and it knotted... and he pulled me over and proceeded to rape me. When I told the cops I was told that it wasn't really rape b/c we'd had a past sexual relationship therefore it was just a lover's spat. Shortly after that, I was raped by a co-worker while we were on break. I didn't report that though because I had learned all reporting rape does is get you more hurt. From there, I have bounced from one controlling or abusive relationsihp to another. The funny thing about those relationships though is this: they seem perfect for like the first six months... then they start showing their abusive/controlling ways, but they do it in such a way, I believe "if I can just be better, we will be perfect like we were before, this is my fault, I can fix this", only... when I fix the part of me that I thought was wrong, there's always another thing I do wrong too... until I get so beat down emotionally I'm almost non-existant by the time I end up moving on or they end up leaving me. Currently I am married and have been with him for 7yrs total (including dating and married years) and yes, it is abusive/controlling too. The reasons I stay are complex. First, both of us are on disability and neither of us make enough to be able to make it on our own financially. Second, he has told me that if I leave, he will live on the streets again (he did that for 28 yrs) but since he has had problems with diabetes in his past, if he did that and started having those problems again, the likelihood that he would die is great and as fucked up as it is, I do love him, so that is not something I could live with. Third, I have 3 dogs that he would most likely kill, even if unintentionally, if I were not around... another thing I could not live with, but its very hard to find a place for me and 3 dogs. Fourth, I also have borderline personality which makes it very hard to let go... for reasons of abandonment and etc, makes it extremely easy for me to blame myself and tell myself that nobody could ever love me, that I will never be happy, etc and i wind up not only depressed and suicidal but also pyschotic in a way that only encourages the suicidality in me... so in a way I become more dangerous to myself than he ever was.

    Now, having said all this.... I also want to say something else. I came to this site both to help others and to receive help because the winter months and may/june are my hardest times. So now, I both post on the forums here and I talk in chat. Lately though I have noticed something troubling about chat that really frustrates me and hurts me. People there, while meaning to be helpful, in fact are sometimes very hurtful...especially when it comes to people suffering from abuse within a relationship. It leaves me wondering this.... why is it so easy for them to understand addiction to drugs and alcohol or even to cigarettes and the difficulties in getting away from those things... but its damn near impossible for them to understand the dynamics of an abusive relationships and the difficulties getting out of that? It's like it's the victim's fault becasue they "don't want to get away bad enough" or they "don't really want help" or they are "just co-dependant" or etc. Yet, if a drug addict says "I can't stop doing heroine, its just too hard, its the only thing that makes me feel good/happy" the responses are "I know its hard, but you can do it... it will change your life around after awhile, even though its hard as hell in the beginning and hurts, it will get better... we're here to support you" or similar. I have been told my whole life basically that my abuse is my fault, or that its not really abuse but just me exaggerating it or etc. I have never dared to ask why. Now I need to know that answer. Why am I the one at fault ...why am I the one that deserves such things as weapons being brandished to me and only put down an inch from impact, or to be hit, or punched, or kicked, or verbally abused, or raped or etc.... what makes me so deserving of these things and undeserving of compassion or help? Am I really that bad a person?

    I had always heard (until abuse started happening to me) that nobody deserves rape or to be abused.... but the treatment I receive everytime I try to talk about it tells me different. I am confused. I am hurt. I am frustrated. Should I just shut up and go away and just take it rather than reach out? Please, tell me what I should do... other than the obvious "get out" .... I know I need to do that, but I need to do it in a way that is soemthign I can live with too... unless, again, I'm totally off in left field and I'm just not important enough to consider the emotional impact of leaving in different ways will do?

    Sorry this is so long, had a lot to vent out and I'm still not sure what can be said/done to make me feel any less hurt and confused and frustrated.
     
  2. Lux

    Lux Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry such bad things happened to you, and I can somewhat relate and understand the courage it took for you to post it. I also know what you mean about the chat.
    You did not deserve anything bad that happened to you. You're a valuable and inspirational person, especially to me and many of your other friends on here and I'm sure most people that know you off here too. If not, then that's they're loss because you're amazing.
    Stay strong, <3
     
  3. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ty lux... i'm just reallly frustrated atm, sorry

    and i'm sorry you can relate at all...

    i guess most of my frustration comes in the form of even if i cannot totally relate to something: example, drug and alcohol or cigarette addiction... i try to find a way i can in some small way relate: example: even tho i don't have drug or alcohol or cigarette addiction i have been addicted to self injury therefore i can understand "addiction"... and then use that so i can help someone and use the compassion i can find from that experience, or if i cannot relate at all, i just say, "i'm sorry i can't help because i can't relate at all... but i dont make the person feel bad about having the problem... i may try to get them to talk to somene i know who can relate or turn them on to other websites or etc i may know of but in any event, even if i have no advice, i just try to treat them with a bit of compassion even wehn i lack understanding and i dont understand why it is that ppl dont do that with me...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2013
  4. Lux

    Lux Well-Known Member

    yeah i know what you mean
    i hate the 'man up' approach but sometimes ignorance is bliss. I'm glad they have no idea, but it's obviously got it's down sides. Idk
    I'm here if you ever need anything. :)
     
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    I agree on all those statements Lux. I know they mean the best with the "man up" approach... but I find it very hurtful. Just like when a father tells his son to man up, some kids are able to thrive on that and accomplish more than they thought they ever could, others just end up feeling defeated before they ever even try and just continue to beat themselves up more and more .... I'm that second type of child. I don't think its anything anyone can even imagine though unless they've been through it at all, and I think that is part of the problem... and I agree, I'm glad they can't relate b/c I don't wish this kind of emotional pain, self doubt, self blame, self loathing, and utter confusion on anyone.... but it is also very lonely and frustrating and miserable feeling like you are completely misunderstood. Thank you for being there for me, that means more to me than anything you could imagine.
     
  6. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Oh Dawn, hon, I am so sorry for all that you are going through.

    For what it’s worth, I can totally relate to what you are saying.

    I am also married to a man who is abusive. It sounds so easy to say, just leave him, but it’s never that easy. I cannot work due to health issues, and because of these same health issues, going to stay at a shelter would mean a death sentence to me. In addition, our son lives with us, and he has the same sort of health issues, so it would be a severe hardship to him as well. And it would mean our two cats go to a shelter as well. Not so easy….

    And I have encountered the same issue in chat. I try to be there to help others, but don’t usually get into my own problems all that much. The other day, I finally opened up on chat. People talked around me, and never even responded to what I said. I felt like I had been slapped hard in the face, and it hurt. I get that maybe they haven’t been in my position, and didn’t know what to say, but just to acknowledge that I had said it would have been nice. I also try to understand and sympathize with what they are going through, even if it is not something I have been through myself.

    I have to let you know that I am always comforted if I see your name in the chat room. I know you will listen to me and care and respond.

    If you ever just want to vent, please let me know.
     
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    ty ronny that means a lot and I'm sorry you are going through similar things as well. i dont know what the right answers are for us. i know intellectually that leaving is in fact what needs to be done to make it better, but there has to be a way of doing it that i can live with for me and u can live with for u. i just am really tired of the "one size fits all" solution of: he/she is treating you bad? no problem.. just leave! people all expect me to listen to their circumstances surrounding their drug abuse or other situations but my circumstances don't matter. do i want help to get out? yes. am i willing to accept help to get out? yes BUT it has to be something i am not going to look back on and feel guilt over doing... b/c then, the solution is no better than the problem.... at least thats how i view it in my eyes.
     
  8. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    Also very sorry for all that you have gone through. You are not alone in feeling others are not supportive of women who are in abusive relationships and marriages. I am in a marriage that has become very abusive . In the past if i tried to talk to my family about the abuse or ask for help to get away from my husband they would blame me for the way he treats me. I cant tell you how much it hurts to have my family ( mom, sister) think my hubby is so great and i am nothing but a problem. We live in different states so i am not even sure how they came to this conclusion, they dont see what goes on and what he dose to me. They just think i am some crazy suicidal person and i have become this way for no reason and i should be happy i have a roof over my head. Also in what you are saying about getting support on this site in chat.I was on another support site and was treated very badly to the point i was told i was not trying hard enough to get out of marriage. I did not even ask for advice on how to leave but that is all i got. I cannot leave my marriage at the moment due to health and finical reasons.I have reached out for help in my community only to find out they dont care either about women being abused. There seems to be a general consensus in society as a whole that we deserve what we get, so dont come crying to us about it. No one wants to listen us. I think at least for me if i could just find some moral support to help me get stronger i probably could get my head on straight to leave. Anyway sorry for the long rant.
     
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    pisces1,

    i am sorry for all you have been through. i read your post on being raped by your husband. i agree with those that responded to you, if you said u did not want it or indicated you did not want it whether you are married or not, it is rape and abuse. i have not been through that type of thing to the extent you have so i chose not to comment on it, but my heart goes out to you. i too receive no help from my family so i understand that frustration and sense of betrayal. dont apologize ever for however long a post/response you choose to write... i am one of the people that feel however much u write so long as you get across your point, is however much needed to be wrote and seen... and i will read it. what confounds me is people are quick to say "nobody deserves abuse, if you are abused or raped or etc... tell someone" but the moment you do tell someone, you are an outcast... i don't understand it.
     
  10. soulreaper

    soulreaper Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry for all you had to endure, the multiple rapes, being socially outcasted... I'm so sorry hunny tho I can't not relate to it, I can still see the damage it has done to you, I just wish there was something I could do to help. I fear my advice will not be of any use to you but try to keep in mind about what marie said about positive selftalk. combat those negative things/views people say about you, a guarded advancement it the best course of action but don't shut down completely, is there a group at a woman shelther they hold for victums of abuse and support group that can relate to your situation might help, stay strong girl, but it's okay to cry if you need to, crying is not a sign of weakness, it's pain escaping your body. release the pain, you'll feel better.
     
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