Every bit of those thoughts and feelings that neutralise beliefe in myself. The ones that close around and devour possibilities, the ones that strip the chance to believe in trying. Damn every cluster of reason and understanding that strives to stop the spike of who I am by ways of rationally justifying that it's not good enough, that I'm not good enough, that it's impossible. Damn all of this. All of this that I compose inside of me and nurture by idleness and compromise. The very nature of excuses and reason that becomes counter to who I am, to what I am. Fuck all of it's comfortability, ... damn it's ability to flood in and coat the tinge of desire and want with a soothing nullifying feeling of neutrality that produces nothing but a decay on expression and connection. Fuck the lies it produces as this goo of nothing is sealed together with failures. It holds no substance, it's mirky, shifty, and when unbalanced with life, it encompasses. Maybe depression in itself is an unbalanced sense of possibilities and realities, that when left to express their existence without their counterparts, dominate in a continual connective free flowing chain of thoughts and sensations that swarm and repel anything positive and new. Maybe in itself it is the distancing deepest way of nullifying the life outside, by creating a barrier of protection.. a barrier that nullifies any possibility of trying, of doing, of growing, of losing, of wanting, of belifing, of desiring, of knowing.. It drives deep into the heart of who i am.. and I am not depressed. I am alive. But I am covered in apathy, of lethergy... of comfortability in a lack of care spiraling into a deeper degrading sense of compromise to who i am. Segregatting parts of who i am by continual attack and stamping a conclusion of failure and nullifying impractability in the wake of who i am. Diverging my whole and leveling my growth by it's corrosive waves. Yet i stand ... i lay here. Fully prepared to divulge by utmost precious aspects, if not to dwel deeper into who and what I am for the sake of finding more to what and who i am, so I may see this force that I of yet can not identify or at times comprehend. For it seeps in.. it enforces fatigue, it hides in it's shadows and empowers it's nullifying restful potential to an unnatural state. It torments the challenge that somewhere inside of me, there is an answer inside, a way to feel it's opposition, a way to appricate it's position and rectify it's stain and burn on every part of me that wishes to exist and be expressed. but alas.. .. but .. when you fall down deep, time and fluidity feel the most freeing.. when you see all the chains and shit.. far too much distrust, far too much dedication and commitment... When you believe in things that devour the best in us.. not because you care about them, but because of their reality.. it strikes at the questions.. maybe there is something to be learned. Maybe the reasons for trying in the beginning were from the most innocent and freeing positions, but the tools and foundations given were constructed and founded upon darker times of others. A contradiction.. A drive, a reason, a purpose, all nullified without your own. No one can tell me who I am, or what I am. Nature in itself can attack my very body and mind and force reactions and a cowardly response of defence to stabalise my position, but this is of no change, just merely a distraction, or an apprication that nature will swarm to encompass weakness. So do I emmit weakness in the reality that I exist. With my body, with my mind... yes. Sometimes i wonder what I want in freedom.. to sit safe in a bubble from life.. moving at my speed, slower, faster... depending... or to move like a watery flame through everything that i can. Then I find a small sense of balance. That these perceptions don't register in the life we have per say. The foothold is much more long term, toollike, tackfully built step by step, system upon system.. striving to obtain, understand, experience...use... If only I were both this and something similar to energy.. something more free. Maybe that's part of the sinister torment of feeling and being in conjunction with everything else in life. The harmony between the two ...... Questions go forever.. and with things like this, their presence goes forever. The only way to resist it is to accept and be something and stand for it against the consistancy of life in all it's fashions. But it just feels like a blurr.. everything else seems like holding my breath, committing to find that "new" "foundation" that inevitably will be over taken. If I am just this body, ive fucked it. The hardest thing though is being free, and doing something in that freedom. What do you do? Living to fend and fight is not a living i want as my history. living under someone and something is the uttmost torment to me, one that I simply have closed my eyes too. Fighting to live.. A fight can eventually find balance and understanding.. one way or the other. It just depends where and when... minds melting. That purpose is flying out of my hands and heart so fast... No one or thing can save or give me the strength. And I fear my time is past the no return for being who I feel I need to be. Right now.. anything but this would be better..