Fuck I wish I wasnt so pathetic.

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Dante

Git
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#1
=Potential Self-Harm Triggers Ahead=


Top of my list of fears is needles, or at least I call it needles as its easier to say, what I'm really afraid of is anything which can cut through my skin like butter, so not just needles, but sharp knives.

I am perfectly comfortable around needles and knives, but as soon as someone intends to stick me with one for any reason, i freeze up, and that pathetic phobia is the only reason I havent cut myself to ribbons, even with that fear I do have several faint scars all over my left arm but I have always been too afraid of the knife to cut myself deeply even though thats all I bloody wanted to do.

Its doubly pathetic, not only am I too weak to cope without a level of self-hatred which leads me to harm myself, but im too weak to even do it properly for fuck sake! The best I can do is <mod edit - method>

Before anyone worries, I'm not suicidal, I decided in university that suicide wasn't an option (after giving it serious thought) but its just so pathetic that the thing stopping me from hurting myself isnt strength, but just another weakness that I hate about myself.
 
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Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#2
Hi Dante

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.
As I self harmer myself I know that any relief it gives me is extremely short lived. Then the revulsion and guilt come. And the scars are a permanent reminder of the fact you don't have the strength to stop.

But maybe what you see as a weakness is actually a strength. There's that little bit of you, hidden so deep that it's hard to see that is trying to protect you. I'm really glad you that you can't do it properly. Please don't go down that road, it's a definite wrong turn.

Try some distraction techniques - get outside if you can, listen to your favourite music, watch a good film, come on here and ask for support? Do you go into chat? Always someone to talk to there if you need instant replies.

Please keep safe and keep talking to us. You matter.
 
#3
Hi Dante - as another self harmer I agree with Lu .. the relief is so, so, short lived and yet the guilt is huge. There is truly nothing clever in SH'ing - it is a form of self expression, fear, loathing. To not SH is a genuine plus in my book Anything physical that hurts is a get out clause - you realise that you have to feel the pain in other ways - real ways. To NOT SH is most definitely not pathetic but rather an understanding that genuinely you are worth more than this x
 

Dante

Git
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#4
I feel no guilt about anything I have done so far, just revulsion at myself for not being able to do more.
 
#5
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I feel no guilt about anything I have done so far, just revulsion at myself for not being able to do more.
Dear Dante - again I agree with Lu - whilst we self harm some part of us is stronger than our actions at that moment and prevents us from finishing the task. I SH almost every day right now - some days it's nothing - other days I'm trying to hold skin together because the cut is so deep and I daren't or won't go to A&E - but never have I once come near to the end. That is not to say that I don't think about it every second. But it must mean that there is something in me that is keeping me here … the pain of SHing doesn't worry me - so it's not that - it has to be an inner core that I am not aware of that is not letting me die. Realise your strengths - you are not pathetic - your inner self is saying you will survive this shit - you are strong enough and you will overcome and I can tell you that SF in its entirety has your back on this one. Huge hugs xx
 
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