fuck it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lethal Photography, May 29, 2009.

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  1. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    Dammit things were supposed to be getting better. Finally in a place where I can have real food, not stuff kept on heat lamps that makes me vomit, no homework, applying for jobs, signed up to take the GED. But what the fuck is the point? I've lost my best friend, he's the only reason I've been working towards this and not gone and offed myself ages ago. Whenever I talk to him I feel like shit cause he could fail a god damn Turing test, and I know he's not like this with other friends. Last weekend I was at the house of a mutual friend, and I looked over her shoulder and he was talking to her the same way he talks to everyone except me. He still says I'm his best friend and all this shit and I wish I could believe him but I can't. And my stomach hurts so badly and I just want to cut it open to rationalize the pain and dammit, i'm screwed.
     
  2. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    why can't i stop crying? it's been hours, and my eyes hurt so much from the salt. figures that this is the night my brother's phone is turned off.
     
  3. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    I know the crying part... some days I cry for hours and hours and can't make it stop. And I wonder how can I have any tears left in me... how can I not be dried out by now. Sorry you're feeling so low!! :hug:
     
  4. jjjoooggg2

    jjjoooggg2 Well-Known Member

    How old are you? Sounds like you are putting all your eggs in one basket. Don't depend or let someone control your happiness. Work on your life and not his. Sorry, if I sound blunt.
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Why don't you sit him down and talk to him about how you are feeling.. If he is your best friend you should be able to do this without it turning into a pissing contest.. You also need to give him some space.. You can't expect him to focus 100% of himself to you.. He does have other friends..Maybe instead of sitting back and being jealous you should try to join the conversation unless it is about a sensitive subject, then you need to back off..
     
  6. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    I know I can't expect to be his whole life or anything. but when I have to go on facebook to find out if he's had a bad day...And I've talked to him many many times, and it never changes for longer than one conversation. And yes, I know I shouldn't depend on a person for happiness but he's my best friend. And if my best friend doesn't want to talk to me, why should I expect anyone else to?
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Well you can talk to us.. You have friends here to lend an ear or a shoulder or just a hand..Please keep posting, it does alot towards releiving the stress when you can vent your anger somewhere.. We are here for you...
     
  8. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    my mum found out cause i lost control and started crying again, and god, she's no help. she says if i find an affordable plane ticket she'll get it for me, but if he's not talking to me, why would he be happy if i showed up at his door? and she's telling *everyone* i've "had a rough day" so of course i'm going to get a ton of questions from everyone. this is the last thing i need.
     
  9. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    oh god...he just reminded me i agreed to betatest for him...i don't want to do this but i feel bad pulling out, his game is for a contest that ends in a few days and he doesn't have any other mac testers. i should never told him i'd betatest for him anytime.
     
  10. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    i feel like i'm going out of my mind. since i stopped cutting, i trained myself when i feel like cutting, to slash my knuckles against my wrist as if i were, but i don't cause any damage. i was doing that this afternoon when i got home. i fell asleep, and when i woke up, not only is there now a bruise on my wrist, my legs are all scratched up.
     
  11. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    Okay, as if my life wasn't insane enough, now another friend just told me that he's in love with me. I don't know how to deal with this.
     
  12. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Is that a really bad thing?? To have someone be in love with you??

    I am glad to read that you aren't actually cutting... it's good that you found a non-hurtful way to let thought out... although bruises and scratches aren't great, they are better than cuts.

    If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me. I am also on MSN or yahoo. :hug:
     
  13. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    it's bad because i don't feel the same way, i've always thought of him as my brother. and, he was the last person i felt comfortable talking to, and i don't know how to act around him any more.
     
  14. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    That can be difficult. But it sounds like you need to sit down and talk... seriously talk. Make sure that he understands how you feel. That you are not interested in him in that way... that you feel more like brothers, and you don't want to LOSE that relationship!! If you still care about him like a brother & friend... than just make sure he knows that. It is probably just a little crush, and will go away with time! I don't know how old you are, but I am guessing somewhat young right? If so, it could easily be a crush!!

    So it'll be up to the two of you... if you care about each other to KEEP the relationship you have... the friendship, the bond similar to brotherhood... it is possible to keep it! It IS possible to get that feeling BACK... the comfort!! Hopefully it will work out for you!
     
  15. Lethal Photography

    Lethal Photography Well-Known Member

    I told him, and I know he doesn't hold it against me, but yeah. Things he said make me think it's been at least a year. And yeah, we are pretty young. I'm 17 and he's 23(please do not start anything about how I should have friends my own age. I've heard it way too much, I'm tired of people judging my friends based on the fact that they're a couple years older than me. What do they expect? i skipped two grades.). My main problem is, is I know I've been told I'm a flirt, and I don't notice doing it. I'm also very huggy, and I say "I love you" to all of my close friends, including this one. I just don't want to rub anything in his face or anything, but how can I do that without drastically changing the way I talk?
     
  16. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    First, almost ALL my life, ALL my friends have been either older or younger... so you won't hear anything like that from me! Age is just a number to me... I find more in common with people 3-7 years OLDER than me usually... and once in a while with people 5 or more years younger!

    As for changing... you shouldn't! As long has he KNOWS that when you say "I love you" you mean you love him like a FRIEND... like a brother! He needs to decide if he can deal with his feelings enough and still be close to you... or if he needs to be on his own... but that is HIS decision!! If you still want to be FRIENDS... than remain YOURSELF... he will understand!!
     
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I really enjoyed chatting with you last night, you can PM me anytime xx

    I hope you feel better soon :hug:
     
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