Fuck it

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by copingsux, Apr 14, 2011.

  1. copingsux

    copingsux Member

    i have been back for a couple days now, and i cant come up with a way to somehow introduce myself because i was never really here in the first place. Im not allowed on chat so i cant just be all "whats up guys" and its really annoying because i keep writing long ass things like this and then just deleting it all because of some stupid illogical fear of something thats not there. So just now i was like fuck it, noone knows me but i know them. All my friends dont really know me only 2 but they're never there. it really is like---- i cant even describe how tired i am of all these so-called friends coming t me with there problems and me never admitting that i have to much on my own hands!! I have urges for the worst and all the time even now i just wanna smash everything up in my house i took a day off so i wouldnt have to deal with every single one of these assholes at work with everysingle problem they come to me with and evrysingle issue that they cant see i dont have!!!! i have FUCKING CHRONIC DEPRESSION and have had since i was 12 and I DIDNT KNOW FUCKING WHY and then out of fucking nowhere me trying to fix that by myself when i was young rather then looking to others for help NOW I CANT now im used to holding everything in and when i tried fixing things on my own IT MADE IT FUCKING WORSE and now i have real problems like no family members who like me that are alive!!!!!! and not just that but i guess only the 2 friends who know about my fucked up head think its some FUCKING PLEA FOR ATTENTION??!!?! WTF that doesn't even make fucking sense!!!! I have a job and i have lots of people who i would call my "friends" in public but im still sad and noone can help me or even find an answer to why i felt depressed in the first place and even if they could i wouldnt be able to admit anything, i have an extreme number of phobias i cant FUCKING SLEEP without the FUCKING LIGHTS ON and my biggest phobia, monophobia or some shit fear of being alone well... I"VE BEEN ALONE MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE AND ITS KILLING ME!!!!!!!
    so fuck it just fuck it all if someone ask' me for help, i'll help them but if they could figure it out i would be glad because i feel like one of these days im just going to snap and everyones gonna wonder why, even me
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know how keeping it all in and isolating away from it all becomes an art form. How we never "expose" our true feelings to those that seem to have no problem always sharing theirs. We sabbotage ourselves with the very things we use to protect ourselves. And our fears become so huge they take on lives of their own. Lives that we try in vain to fight. Depression sucks!! Because for it to grow it needs us to feed off the negativity it is always feeding us. And we do!!! Because we finally have no fight left to try and see the positive. We feel abandoned by those that we think should care or at the very least be able to understand that we are suffering. But yet how can they when we dont offer them even a teeny glimpse into what we are really trying to deal with. Yeah, we hide it so well. Always helping others. Always wearing the appropriate "mask" so no one sees just how much we are suffering. Then the depression grows and we do snap. And everyone says "where did that come from?" Unfortunately it's been there all along, we just didnt have the strength or courage to let the others see or know.
    I hope you keep making these "long ass" posts. It does help to get them out atleast somewhere. And hun you arent alone, I'm listening. And I understand all too well what you're battling :arms:
     
  3. copingsux

    copingsux Member

    thanks, i needed someone to tell me im not alone :( thank you really.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad to help when I can. Always a pm away if you need someone :arms: