Fuck it.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Exoh, Jul 20, 2011.

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  1. Exoh

    Exoh New Member

    If I were to tell my entire story, no one would be interested in reading. So long story short, i've dealt with depression all my life. Therapy and medication never helped, with the exception of Marijuana(even then, it only took the edge off) I feel as if nothing I do will ever amount to anything. My family hardly notices me. They shrug me off when I try to talk. the same could be said with the majority of my so-called friends. I have a best friend who made me feel better and a fiance, who for the longest time drove all of the negative feelings and suggestions from my mind. But now they are both gone. One moved across the country and contacts me maybe once a year. The other cheated on me and felt it was best to just separate from one another and move on. Since they've both dropped out of my life, all I can think about is hurting myself. I've cut and burned on several occasions, but the feelings never die down. They only strengthen. Injuring myself has quickly become an addiction, but the more I indulge, the less effect it has on me. I've been desiring more and more lately to just end my life. I see no point now. I don't have anywhere to turn to. I lost my religion years ago and doctors never helped in the first place. They only served to make me feel like shit. I just don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Sorry you are going through this and feeling so low, hon…

    Please give your best friend a call…it’s even free via internet (like skype?)…

    Maybe changing your meds can help?

    If it’s not completely over with your fiance, maybe you can talk to your fiance and work things out? Otherwise, you can get over it and move on… You are still young and you can have a lot more time to meet someone who is just right for you…

    You know things change. How you think and feel also changes. Please don’t hurt yourself. Be safe…

    Hang in there…
     
  3. jkeller4000

    jkeller4000 Well-Known Member

    are you willing to type the whole story? i would be interested at least reading a little bit, and by the whole story i mean the whole story, don't skip parts it is all necessary!
     
  4. Exoh

    Exoh New Member

    Thanks, everyone. I appreciate the help.. It's just hard finding some positive outlook. I've changed meds a few times and they all just worsen my mood.

    Jkeller, I can if you're interested.

    Not really sure to start. I guess growing up I was frequently lethargic. I started seeing a psychiatrist when I was 8. My grandfather had passed away and he was one of the only family members that I was close to. On the way home from his funeral I tried jumping out of the car. My family moved the next year so my parents would be closer to their's. I only had one friend while growing up and I lost contact with him. I have a brother that's two years older than me, but growing up he did his best to make my life a living hell. So I didn't really have anyone my age to interact with. I never really had much in common with most people, but having a friend who shared interests with me helped. I didn't make any new friends until I was 13 so for a long time I was lonely and pretty much had only a few pets to talk to. As stupid as that sounds. One of them was a dog named Snoopy. He was a good guy, I always felt like I could open up with him completely. I thought he understood me. When I was 13 he was hit by a car in front of my house and broke his back. My parents decided it was best to put him down, which really was for the best. There wasn't much we could have done for him and he wouldn't have been happy. When they had him euthanized, my parents kept both my brother and me in the room with him. Seeing him get hit by the car as well as die tore me apart, so I started cutting at that point. It helped to take my mind off of things and it worked for a long time. That summer I turned 14 and started highschool and there I met my best friend Wes. We became best friends pretty quickly, as we shared just about everything in common. I had a 2 year streak without hurting myself or suicidal thoughts. My depression wasn't really that bad either. The week after my 16th birthday I went to scout camp and got really sick. They kept me in the med building for 4 days and took me to the hospital on the 5th. By the time I got to the hospital I had lost 75 pounds. Shortly after reaching the hospital I was going through A-DKA( Advanced Diabetic Ketoacidosis, if you don't recognize the terminology) and fell into a diabetic coma. When I was conscious, I was told that I was type 1 diabetic then given a list of what I could and couldn't eat. I felt trapped. My family wasn't very supportive either. While I had to cut just about everything from my regular diet, they didn't. They'd indulge themselves with cake and soda and just about everything I couldn't. Then to make things worse, I always wanted to be a pilot in the military. I'd hoped that one day i'd be cured of depression and be able to join up and fly. Those were my goals in life and both were cut short. My brother had enlisted a few months before. So I kept thinking why the asshole was able to join and why I had to be barred from my dreams. When my parents were able to take me home, I tried hanging myself in the field behind my house. Dad stopped me and my parents had me admitted. When I was out, they put me into homeschool, but I was still able to see my best friend every day. I didn't have any more trouble until he moved. After that I started cutting and burning my thighs so no one would notice. I continued with that for a few more years, but hadn't contemplated offing myself until somewhat recently. For the last 2 years I've dealt with depression, but haven't hurt myself or contemplated suicide. I've been able to hold down a decent job at a used book store. I think that's one thing that helped me, since I love to read. I have cats and a parrot that are really great friends to me. I also had a seemingly good relationship for over a year. Which is what's driving me over the edge now. Aside from my best friend, she's the one person I felt that understood me. I am able to open up completely with her. Nothing is taboo and I don't need to hold anything back. I always felt loved, appreciated and most of all needed. I fell in love with her and eventually proposed. We've been engaged since april, but 2 days after my 23rd birthday(which is the 12th of July) she cheated on me with her ex. She was really drunk at a party and one thing led to another. She told me about it and apologized. She told me she loved me, but then said that she thinks we shouldn't be together anymore. So we've split and hardly talked. I'm always hopeful that she'll turn around and come back. I've forgiven her for it and i'm not angry with her. Since the 14th i've been cutting my arms, chest, and legs to try and take my mind off of things. Though it hasn't been working and I can only do so much before people start to take notice. And that would screw me over with work, adding one more thing to my list. All i've thought about is killing myself. I feel lonely. I feel like there's no one I can talk to. I'm just in this shitty rut that I can't climb out of. I call my best friend often and he helps out quite a bit when we talk, but my mood worsens shortly after. I don't want to feel needy and bother him with it all the time, especially since he has a life too. I just really don't know what to do anymore. Even working is hard. I'm normally at home when i'm surrounded with books, but they don't interest me anymore. Nothing really does. Just the idea of death. I don't want to deal with any of this anymore.

    There are a few more issues that contribute. My parents are Mormon and I haven't been since I turned 18. That led them to stop talking to me regularly. I get a call every other month and on holidays, but that's about it. A close friend of mine died early this month from breast cancer. She was old and didn't have much in the way of friends and family, so I sort of adopted her as a third grandmother. She didn't speak English very well, so I learned Vietnamese to better communicate with her. 3 years ago she developed breast cancer and I spent time with her while she was sick. She was a great woman. A great friend. She contributed a lot to her community and helped every one she could. She's not suffering anymore, but it was still painful to see her go.

    I'm tired of feeling like this. Everything that can go wrong, goes wrong. I feel old. My body hurts and it's not because of the things I do to myself. I want to know what it's like to be completely happy. In my mind the only way that's possible is by dying. I've written down the pros and cons of suicide, the people who would miss me, what would likely happen to those I interact with, etc. It helps a little, as well as speaking with my friend and spending time with my pets. Smoking relaxes me and takes my mind off of things too. But it's getting harder and harder to deal with.
     
  5. jkeller4000

    jkeller4000 Well-Known Member

    where do you read? you left that detail out, i have only found one book that i remember liking, I think it would be really fun to ride out to some park bench far away in the morning, read through the mid day heat, then bike home,

    your going to make me feel eveil :( my grandma has diabetes and i still eat what i usually do, she watched me pour the cup of sugar into my kool aid, maybe i got to be more considerate,

    i knwo the one thing parents really like is for their children to call them, if you called and just said hi, and that you have something important to do that you have to go an cannot talk, your mom would really enjoy it,

    I remember my siblings picked on me the most, i am usually slow with responding to things, so they always liked being mean to me, sometimes though i would fight back, but now i am an adult, my sister i never talk to, and me and my 2 brothers can hold civilized conversations, i never call them, lol and the reason my little bro talked to me was he was putting me down as his second next of kin, lol i asked him if planned on dieing he is in the military,


    i just have to put this i am not very fond of smoking, to me it would be so darn expensive, i thought about trying to do it, but i talked to another kid who smoked he told me it only made him more anxious, he said he has tried to quite since he started and that has caused him some anxiety, so what ever you do do not try to quit smoking!


    would you share your list of pros and cons of suicide, i have yet to start my list and could use some pointers,
     
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