I was religious for a few years....it was awful. Everytime I had a supposed 'sinful ' thought, I had to quickly erase it, god was listening and watching all the time (what I had been told). It took incredible willpower to just let myself think....I wasn't allowed to debate the positive/negative aspects of religion because I thought I would go to hell. And I was told to live everyday as my last, I could die anytime, and say if I had been religious my whole life, then decided I didn't believe one day, I could be killed that same day, and I would go to hell. It's mind control, you aren't allowed to think....you're just so terrified all the time.
Religious people are scared. So scared. I feel so desperately sorry for them, genuinely, because I know what it's like. It's not their fault...they've been fed these views that are designed to take control of them.
I believe in individuality. Living for your own beliefs, morals. Doing something good just for the good deed, not for a reward.
And by the way, I don't see what's wrong with the 'constant struggle' you described. I want to debate, to think, to learn, to go on a journey of discovery, even if we never find the answer. I think that everyone should... to try and find out the truth, to disprove lies, deception, control.....the truth is more beautiful and freeing a concept that heaven will ever be.
I think it's important for me to rant, because I believ there are others out there who are going through the same agony as I was a few years ago...just wanting to escape but to scared or confused to. Maybe someone will see this and theyll identify with it. Or maybe it will make a religious person think a little. But anyway, I'm allowed to state my opinion.