fuck this pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hybrid moments, Jun 1, 2011.

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  1. I've been dealing with depressions since about 6th grade (12 years old) and I am now 19. It seems like things are only getting worse and not better. Everyday is a struggle to try and see the good out there and everyday I fall short on finding something to live for. If I do actually end up with a feeling of being content its usually because I'm fucked up off some sort of drug.

    I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I haven't been able to picture a future for myself in a long while, and it seems like suicide is the definite end to it all.

    I don't have many friends. I spend most of my time entirely alone, which is why I'm so fucked up in the first place I think. The friends I do have scarcely hit me up, and if they do its because they want me to hook up a bottle or something with my fake ID.

    I've lost basically all of my social skills/ability to make people laugh. Idk what to do anymore. All i really want is a significant other to spend my time with, but I rarely get out there and meet girls and the ones I do meet I fall for hard, and they usually end up fucking me over. The most recent one being a girl who said she needed to figure herself out, but in actuality she just wasn't feeling me anymore but wouldn't tell me and is now fucking a 29 year old. I feel defective, like I'll never be able to truly be loved. I also have the pleasure of being "friends" with the first girl I dated in high school, fell hard for, and ended up having her break my heart. I get to listen to her talk about her new boyfriend and how great her life is. The real kicker is she told me she still had feelings for me, but it turns it she told me that out of jealousy.

    I just don't see the point living in a world where its a constant struggle to even connect with people on a real level. It's all their is. People, and I'm terrible at interacting with them. I'm afraid I'm just going to end up alone, getting thrown to the curb after the girl realizes what kind of person I am and how I have nothing to offer, which seems to always happen.

    It seems as if all my reasons to stay alive are dwindling away
  2. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    We have some striking similarities. First of all, I'm 24, which isn't totally out of your range. I was especially hit by the loss of mirth (i.e., losing the ability to be funny), since after I started taking medication, I definitely became less spontaneous and a lot less amusing. It's rather loathsome, really. I also don't see any future for myself, and have stagnated for far too many years. I'm frequently criticized by my parents for my lack of direction in life, as I seem to lack the motivation to do anything. I just don't care.

    As for friends, I'm for the most part avoidant of it all. I have this chronic feeling of being critically different from others, and although I have a few friends, I wouldn't entrust them with everything I think. Sucks you have to have the type of friends who only need you for their own purposes.

    I had a girl I knew when I was 13 and she was 12. Long story short, although we were mostly just friends until I was 17, it advanced into serious territory, briefly, at one point. Something went wrong, maybe because we moved too fast, and she not only broke up with me with open hostility (we had almost never fought before for our entire time knowing each other), but refused to speak with me, and it would be three years until we spoke again, which I regretted, because it only made me feel worse when I saw the guys she was dating then, who abused and mistreated her, apparently with her consent. My love life is really fucked, and she has zero interest in even seeing me. It made me feel a bit used. I can't find anyone on the same level she was at. She was too intelligent, too beautiful, too ingrained into my life, too much like the kind of person I wanted. And I will never see her again. Logic says I'll get over it with enough time, but time isn't helping, considering how it's been years since I had a real interaction with her. I didn't even get a text from her on my birthday, and our birthdays used to be a big deal, and we'd really try to impress each other. She has her own life now. I'll probably find out about her engagement soon, now that she's learned how to latch onto people who can take care of her. I honestly don't know if I have the coping capacity to handle hearing that, especially if it's a day when I have nothing to look forward to.

    Anyway, I hope I'm not deviating too much from my attempt at empathizing. I just felt touched by your post. I know we have plenty of differences, too, but I felt like I could connect on some level with what you said.
  3. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I have had similar experiences, I was fucked over big time by a guy who I thought was faithful, we dated for two years (we broke up in 2009, he started saying all of these mean things abut me and saying things only he would know) but he turned out to be a lying jerk, he stabbed me in the back by saying all of these mean things that only I told him about, he was saying how I had certain weird phobias that only he knew about and other things which I will not mention on here in case he's on here, he has stalked me online before but pretended to be the victim, he did this on Wikipedia since he had a frined that was an administrator, and he would claim that I was stalking him since I edited some of the articles he edited, and I would get blocked for stalking, yet I would make a new account and edit articles on TV shows I liked that he never liked but he had known I liked these TV shows that he never liked since when we were dating I told him about what I liked, and he would then look up these articles and get my new username even though I never edited any articles he edited from the new account, and according to Wikipedia you could make a new account, but since he had a friend that was an administrator that was on there and that administrator had other friends who were administrators, I would get blocked for "sockpuppetry" even though he was the one who started it all by starting an account on there to harass me with when I had the original account I had on there but when I reported that was anything done? No, because according to the administrators he was making good edits from his main account, yet I never ONCE did anything wrong on there and everytime I asked why they wouldn't do a sockpuppet investigation on him they would tell me to shut the fuck up and block me from editing! Since then, he has hurt me numerous times online, even as of 2011, but the police won't do anything since he is not threatening me. Since then I dated one other guy who cheated on me, and I have also been bullied and attempted suicide many times but failed each time and was only caught one but was suspected only twice, although I was never taken to a psychiatric ward. No wonder so many people have committed suicide. It seems that our world supprtos bullies, sure in the episode of The Simpsons titled "Wedding For Disaster" as a billboard gaga they had the billboard gag say "Supprt your local bullies". I wonder why. Maybe they are realizing what a world we live in, since it seems from my experience and others I have talked to, that our world supprtos bullying and there are VERY FEW people who do not support bullying.
  4. It looks like we do have a lot of similarity indeed. Do you happen to know your personality type?

    Uhhh avoidance... thats what fucked me the most. Cut everyone off and then when I needed them I had no one left. I cut them off for a reason though. I got a lot of shit from my "friends", and they often went out of their ways to embarrass me in social situations. It took my a surprisingly long time to figure out that it was mostly being betrayed by my friends that put me where I am.

    I feel you sooo hard on that one. Its devastating to think about sometimes when everything is seems bleak, but I know they are others out. Less selfish/egotistical ones especially (in my case at least). fuuck. Idk what I'd do if she stopped talking to me though... maybe feel better lol? It sucks being around her knowing I probably could have her if I just got my head out of my ass every once ina while.

    no worries, I posted that just to get it off my chest mainly. i don't write my feelings down often enough, so they tend to just bounce around inside, unheard.

    edit:mad:sailor saturn: Our world certainly does enjoy the idea of bullies. Any person/people in power has got it through bully-like methods, and thats how they continue to keep power. IT does seem to get them what they want.

    It's unbelievable to me how many people that simply treat other people's trust like its nothing.. Trust-breaking is a truly psychologically damaging thing. I'm sure everyone who posts here on these forums has had their trust broken many times.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2011
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I grew up with no computers, mobiles or mp3 players. Not even a TV in the bedroom.

    I think it made for a healthier childhood - one in which I played out MOST of the time - with home entertainment limited to books - which I actually loved. TV was limited to a couple of hours each day for kids - now we have parents leaving a 42 inch screen TV on for toddlers rather than leave them with some play blocks - and their own little imaginations which I am sure can conjure up better things than spongebob and his buddies.

    Anyhow, your right about being online all the time not being good for you. But this does not fu** up your life! It merely sets you back a little. At least you know that you need to get out and about a little - but mainly you need a bit of confidence to do this - to get your 'mojo back again.

    If you were able to make people laugh - you have not lost that ability - your just feeling depressed so basic skill sets such as humouring others is too much of an effort right now. Whereas it was once easy - came naturally, now you bogged down with other worries which have taken a shine off your good humour.

    Like you I can be a funny guy - but I take care not to be cast in the role of a clown - and have a serious side to my nature also. Everyone is like this to a degree- but being funny is an asset - its a great icebreaker if you have a sense of humour. You act as a social catalyst, I tend to be the one who says something in a group of strangers or some such situation. Usually humour will come into this whatever the uniting factor might be.

    Anyhow, if you were a funny guy - don't worry, you still will be once you get this monkey off your back and can feel a little bit of balance again.

    As for women - it's 'new' to me, the idea you'd even meet someone online - I mean - I'm not sure how it even works. It seems many build up a hope of a relationship based on their online communications when its obvious that communicating by words alone can be mask of sorts. Easier to write a lie than wear it - and harder still to lie and look someone in the eye.

    Anyhow, if you do meet someone online - take that as a preliminary to courtship not courtship itself. You NEVER know how you feel about someone unless you are with them in the flesh. Although it was thought to be some hippy notion, we all give out 'vibes' and we all have the ability to pick up on them - interpret them.

    It's hard to put into words, but the few women I've felt like they might be 'the one' I felt that early on - literally 'felt' it - like some electricity. or even a drug. Had this meeting been online I would not have felt anything much. I'd not feel that 'connection' in a few sentences - indeed you'd have to read someone's posts perhaps, gauge if she was consistently pleasant in nature or whatnot.

    Your desire for a 'significant other' is part of growing up - part of being a man in that you want a mate at sometime. Some need it sooner than others - I'm just thinking about it now in my late 40s. To be honest - I got things to do, love and relationships take a lot of your own time - and you have to be ready to share your life with someone else.

    If it came to the choice of certain work I do and a relationship, I'd take the work. Still, there will always be the fling here and there - not on Facebook, but in reality, generally speaking a drunken reality.

    Before the internet - a man would generally have to go out locally - you'll always meet some women that way as you chat to former school buddies and people you know. Even just standing around looking like a useless ornament - drugged, drunk, a man still had a chance that as the crowd thinned, some women would always be drunk enough to see you as a kind of Jim Morrison lookalike. (boy is she drunk)

    If your shy with women - a couple of drinks (I mean a couple) can loosen you up and mellow you a little.

    Every dog gets its day. I've not had many women approach me - but any that did I'd be saying 'Yes, sure" to whatever it was. I'm talking just standing there bro - usually messed up indeed, but even I got hit upon.

    Using that, I can work backwards and maybe see that if I had been not messed, and had I approached a few women who took my fancy - I'd have some luck somewhere.

    Thing is - I'm not looking for what's on the outside - beyond her being clean and well dressed, I'm listening with my big ears for a women who says something challenging. Also taking note of any quiet ladies who might not say anything - but look 'intelligent' in a womanly manner. Also way over 30. At my age, I have to keep things age appropriate!

    One thing in your favour - women trying to mess with you out of jealousy - it does show you have some draw - because no women would bother annoying another man in that way if she never had some feelings. That said, the immaturity of their feelings does make me think you are better off without them.

    Life does seem pointless sometimes - and a big part of that is tied up with women, or with boys, depending on your sex and sexuality. Either way, worrying about it makes it harder to happen. You are young and t a time when education is the key to having a lot more possible futures. A man with a good job and career is a better 'catch' than someone with a low paid job. In practical terms, just being able to afford a date, perhaps a car to pick her up in, that makes a difference.

    A man who can provide the food and shelter stands out as a man who can provide. Women subconsciously will have to choose a man who not only comes up to standard in a myriad of points they tick off on a list - but also in basic practical terms. Is he working? Is is a good paid job? Career options? Questions the mum of a girl might ask - or the dad - but if you get a good education, you are more attractive to women.

    What you have to do is understand you desire for a mate - but not to let it become an obsession. Many younger people, teenagers, face a lot of pressure now to have boyfriends aged 12 upwards. With mixed schools, it makes things harder as boys will have the distraction for girls - and vice versa.

    I'm sure you'll feel a bit better in yourself if you maybe try to just better yourself in other areas of life - not dedicate your life as a do or die mission to get hooked romantically.

    Don't get any hopes up with online romance. Many girls practice flirting online - easier than the real thing and less messy. As ever with love - and affairs of the heart, its best done face to face.

    If you are looking for a significant other - say so from the off - and steer clear of women who want to limit romance to text exchanges and (worse) phone sex - which sounds painful, but has little to do with using phones in the pursuit of pleasure.

    Maybe you should go to a festival and maybe kiss a few women, just for the fun of it. Usually, when your not seemingly bothered about romance one way or the other - it happens!

    Its like looking for money in the street - look for it you get frustrated by not finding any - but when your not looking it - boom - there it is. And be it a penny, 2p, 5p, 10p or 20p and certainly a pound. I generally put it in my pocket and thank my lucky fortune.

    Like a random women at a festival or gig!

    Only, I don't obviously put her in my pocket.

    In fact, I'll not bother explaining but a cool British evening - a couple of drinks and whatever else in on the menu, I guess love might be in the air (or on the ground, in a tent)

    Envision yourself being there, with me, at some festival.

    Thousands of women who all want to sleep with the band - but too few bands and too many women is were we might share the spirit of generosity a little.

    And be better than Bono! (who would likely spend all night asking you how great you thought he was)

    So, for now, just concentrate on things like academic stuff, work out a little, read up a lot on interesting subjects - women like a man who can converse. Learn some new jokes also.

    You got plenty to live for - I understand why you hate things but its a good thing our depression does not actually shape the world we live in. There are good people out there who care about others, and somewhere I hope an angel waits for you to turn up with a funny chat up line.
  6. Thank you^ there were many good nuggets of wisdom in there.

    And you are so right about how wanting things badly tend to make them not happen... I've never gotten laid or met someone while thinking intently about making it happen. I think I release too much negative energy into the world, thats for sure.
  7. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Saturn, I gotta commend you for hitting the nail on the head. Society as a whole is not kind to kind people. At all.

    In response to hybrid, I dropped out of high school, and lost almost all my friends in the process. My longest friend, however, stayed with me, despite the fact that I was clearly pushing him and everyone else away, and also despite that I was clearly insane, ravingly psychotic and manic, and virtually incapable of holding a conversation without slipping off track and losing my original goal, making interacting with me incredibly strange. I was clearly crazy. When they loaded me up on sedatives, dopamine inhibitors, mood stabilizers, and SSRIs, to control my lunacy, I was finally able to ask my friend, "Why the hell did you stay with me through all that?" to which he replied, "Because it was really interesting. I get bored of people really fast and dump most of the people I meet, and you definitely aren't boring." So, there you go.

    And yeah, the girl I was just talking about really wasn't the nicest person, despite that I am still hurting from being rejected by her. She clearly manipulated me early in our relationship, and made me feel guilty whenever she thought I was abandoning her. And yet, at the same time, she did extravagant things for me for holidays. She hand-made cards and wrote cute notes in them, baked cookies and mailed them in a bag to my address (seriously), wrote me postcards wherever she went, and even kept a journal of her trip to New York, later mailing it to me so I would remember her experience as well as she did. We were still just friends at this time, but then one night we were alone together at a party at her house, and we were watching the Olympics. She was on the sofa, I was next to her on the floor. We were talking, and at some point in the conversation I said, "I really love you, you know?" and she said, "Really?" and I said, "Yeah." and kissed her, which was my first kiss, actually. But, possibly because we started moving really, really fast, she at one point felt alienated, and the relationship ended badly, along with our friendship. There's a whole lot more that happened after that which would take too long to go into, but the bottom line is that her life was sent into a downward spiral soon afterward when she hooked up with a severely abusive alcoholic boyfriend (who, after a lengthy coma due to an accident, died, not long after she and I began talking again), and she just never recovered, dropping out of high school and failing in college, despite being the most intelligent and witty girl I have ever known. Now we're really alienated from each other, and I just...can't seem to get past this thing.

    As for personality type, do you mean that weird four-letter code thing? Can't say I know that one.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2011
  8. Thats good you had a friend who wasn't willing to just accept your disappearance though. Its amazing how oblivious some people can be to your problems, especially those who've never really dealt with something like it before. After i disconnected from everyone I don't think I was asked questions like "whered you go?" or "why don't we ever hangout anymore" until a couple years after. I think at the time they thought I was doing my own thing, but I would have loved for someone to ask if I was alright, although I probably wouldn't have opened up.

    Man... we're like kindred souls or something... or at least second cousins.

    I'm sorry to hear all of this though, truly tragic. I'm not the best advice giver, thats for sure, but I would maybe try to make contact with her and see how shes doing?

    yeah its the 4 letter one. Its called a myers-briggs test. Its pretty interesting stuff. I am an INTP
  9. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Yeah, my friend's a little strange like that. He's told me he likes hanging out with me because he never knows what I'm thinking or what I'm going to say, which I guess makes me interesting to him. And he always loves to do things with me, all the time. Sometimes he confuses me, because I still wonder what it is that he likes so much about me. He never asks anything of me except to hang out with me about every other week. And I've thought about how he's so out of my class. He's a graduate student, has always done phenomenally in school. He has a girlfriend he's going to be living with soon, and his whole life is laid out for him, and he never seems to get stressed by anything. Then there's me, who's struggling just to stay in college as an undergraduate, and I'm the person he chooses to spend one of his weekends with. I can't grasp it. I like his company, I enjoy being with him, he's very witty and intelligent and in many ways, wise. I've known him since the sixth grade, and he's always had an affinity for me since we first met.

    And yeah, I could contact her, but there would be no point. The last time we talked was on AIM, and both of us said something like, "Feel free to IM me sometime if you feel like it." That was months ago, and so far neither of us has had any good reason to say anything to the other. We don't know what's happening in each other's lives, so it would be forced conversation. To seal it, she's long-distance now. She lives several states away. She visited me once a couple of years ago, which actually was very pleasant at first, we were getting along very well and we both seemed to be having fun just being together. But on the second day when we were supposed to meet, she told me she was too nervous to see me again. I tried to reason with her, asking her why? But she terminated the conversation as fast as she could. And then we didn't talk for two more years.
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