Fuck this shit

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mes1234, Apr 18, 2013.

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  1. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    I'm scared of life. I think about the countless number of days ahead of me and I feel trapped. Trapped living. Trapped in my mind. I feel insane. I'm dying to get out. Dying to be free. I wish it it was all over. I wish I had the choice to end it all. Why don't I have the choice? It's my life. I'm the one who has to live it. I don't want to live just because everyone else thinks that I'm sick. YEAH I am sick. But I've been sick and it's not getting better. Why the fuck can't I just die. This isn't just a phase I've been like this for years. I could probably get better, but I know that I'm going to fall back down and end up in the same place or worse. I could have a good life, but I don't want it. I don't want to try. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to be happy. I just can't achieve it. Depression has changed me. It's changed the way I think. The way I feel. The way I look. I'm jealous of the dead. I'm jealous of happy people. I feel pathetic because I have no one and nothing to blame. I only have MYSELF to blame. I blame my mind, my brain, or the chemicals in my brain. I'm so frustrated. I'm so done. I don't want to do this anymore. I just don't think I can take it. But obviously I have to, because I HAVE NO CHOICE. I HAVE NO CONTROL. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING. I just want one thing. One thing that I'm passionate for. One thing that makes me happy. One that that I can hold on to. One thing to live for. Just one thing. I just hate life. I hate who I've become. I hate these feelings. I hate feeling hopeless. I hate feeling scared. I wish it all could just end.
     
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I read and reread your post. I find it difficult to respond to because it contains so many contradictions. A sad and angry post that at the same time seems stuck. Does it feel as if you're arguing with yourself?
     
  3. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    I always contradict myself because I'm uncertain. I am sad and I am angry.. I'm just trying but at the same time I don't want to try anymore. I'm in a fight with myself. I am very frustrated because I've just lost hope, but I keep on thinking about who I was a year ago and I just don't understand how I could have fallen so far. I don't understand how I can feel this way. I don't understand why this is happening. I just don't understand.
     
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I say that often. There are days where it would be so easy to just give up and end it...but in reality I don't really want to give up, which is why it makes it so hard....life should not suck but it does sometimes..and asking to never get a down is not realisitic, even the most healthy get downs here and there...that's life...but us, our downs is worse than normal people, everything falls...

    hugs to you, friend...hold on...
     
  5. RenoBill

    RenoBill Active Member

    I'm in the same boat mes1234. A year ago, things were rosy. Now, I'm pretty much worn out mentally and physically. I'm just hanging on day to day. Just wanted to tell you I understand how you feel. Let's try to hang on and hope for better days. I'm going to try, but who knows how it will go!
     
  6. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Have you spoken to a doc, therapist, help line? Talking to someone else helps to stop us going round in circles.
     
  7. ListlessMutt

    ListlessMutt New Member

    "Trapped living. Trapped in my mind. I feel insane." I can really relate to that. A lot. I feel like I could have a "good life." Hell, some would say I already have one. It doesn't make me happy though. I don't think anything you've said sounds contradicting. The self loathing and anger mixed with sadness makes perfect sense to me.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I also can relate to a lot of what you said. Before I felt trapped like there was no way out but I got better and I believe you can too. Please hang on and reach out. You deserve to be helped. Good luck to you.
     
  9. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    i can so relate to what you have said. I believe you can get better just things a try x
     
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