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FUCK...yet another rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by lurktheshadows, Feb 1, 2011.

  1. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    I resent feeling like this
    lately I've been ok..but then, yesterday..

    ...I just want someone to love me so much that it hurts them to be away from me, and you know what kind of love I mean
    I just want someone to touch me ANYBODY
    I can't fucking remember the last time I was touched, do you know how awfully pathetic that is?
    I'm so moronically desperate and I can't stop it..I can't assuage this haunting ache for love
    My life is tainted by fairy tale expectations..but I'll settle for anything
    and I am selfish I'm aware
    but no one's ever loved me
    and I can't fucking live knowing that no one ever will, because..I'm defective, I'm deformed, I'm revolting
    and all my life
    I've wondered, why everyone finds me so repulsive
    and I keep trying to fix myself
    lose weight...spend hundreds of dollars and random shit for my skin
    even my friends can fucking replace me in an instant
    who am I fucking kidding
    I don't have any friends
    perhaps I have one, but when she sees me she'll hate me like everyone else
    I'm not exaggerating
    this is not depression talking
    I've been alone for six years, and noone has made the slightest effort to really know me in face-to-face life
    It's fucking unbearable to me when people talk about their broken or awful relationships because I would do ANYTHING to have one, even if it was abusive and horrid...and I know how idiotic that sounds
    but I can't myself so much I can't live alone I CAN'T
    I really really really need someone to save me
    and I know how pitiful that sounds..but that's just where I am
    and I'll regret posting this like all the others
    why does everyone find love except me? even the fleeting, dreadful kind? I am an ugly, undeserving piece of shit.
    I try to reach out so much, and it's so difficult, but I keep doing it..and nothing ever comes of it
    yes, I care about some..a lot of the people I meet on here, I am very very fond of all of you
    but god, I'm sorry, it's not fucking enough
    I want someone next to me, I want them to lay next to me, I don't care who they are anymore
    even when..I don't feel like this, even when I love myself, nothing ever comes, no one ever cares..no one thinks I'm good enough
    there's no point
  2. Animosity

    Animosity Forum & Chat Buddy

    Awww, Sweetie. :hug: I know it feels like you'll never find that person. But you will. You're still young. You've got plenty of time. Don't settle for anything less than the best because that is certainly what you deserve. You are one of the most caring and compassionate filled people I know and I don't know how someone couldnt love you. I love you. Bec loves you. Donna loves you. You've got all of us at friends. And I know what you mean about the touching thing. I really do. It's painful when no one wants to touch you and all you want is just a simple hug. Is it that hard to extend your arms and hug someone? I'd hug you if I was there in person. One day, I will give you a real hug. When you go see Bec, she's not going to hate you. She won't. I don't understand how someone can hate such a beautiful person as you. I'm not saying this just to make you feel better or because it's what you want to hear, not at all. I'm saying all of this because I truely mean it, Lucy. You are a beautiful person inside and out whether you want to believe it or not. You'll find that person someday. But please, just don't settle for less than the best. You see something you like, go after it. Follow your heart, not your head. And please don't even qish for an absuive relationship with someone. They aren't good and would only make you feel worst. You'll get there sweetie. Just give it time. You never know where you're going to find someone that loves you, so always keep your eyes peeled. You can find them when you are least expecting it. I'm always here for you, Lucy. You know where to find me. <3 I love you.
  3. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Fuck Lucy... :console:

    I know the following is going to come across as an insipid attempt at making you feel better, but i think you know me well enough now to know my heart is in the right place.

    I know how you feel. That desperation to be loved and touched. I know you will think i don't because i've been in a relationship. But i was almost 20 before that happened. I know it's an insulting thing to say but you are so young and there is so much time for love to happen.

    I am not going to respond to your claims of being ugly, undeserving and all of that because you know how i feel. And when you get here i won't feel any different. It's impossible not to love you, Lucy. You fucking radiate beauty inside and out, you are intelligent and funny and so much more. It's only a matter of time before someone sees these things in you and loves you in the way you need to be loved and you will be more then enough.

    And i will be with you in the meantime, and i will hold you until you can find the kind of love you are looking for. You are not alone in this world. Even though it feels like it.

    You mean the world to me Lucy and you are my best friend. I'm not going anywhere. I promise you that.
  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I dont have anything more to add, it will happen, you are too lovely for it not to, as Domo says inside and out.
  5. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member


    I KNOW it's all fucked up for you right now, and I'm not gonna dismiss that. I know that right now wrong seems right, right seems wrong, up seems down.. and everything feels so.. unbearable. I know that the amount of emotional pain gets that all-consuming, that overwhelming that it brings you physical pain, and you genuinely can't see anything ever coming right for you. You are hurting, sweetie, and I am so sorry you have to feel this way. You are one of the most amazing people I have seriously ever met. I know you don't see your inner beauty, or your outer beauty for that fact, but I can. Becca can. Pete and Krista can. And why? Because it is sooo fucking there! It takes time to see it, it takes time to understand that fact that if people don't like you.. well fuck them! YOU are what matters, to each and every one of your friends on here. And in time, you will start to matter to you. But, until that time comes, reach out hon, accept support.
    I know it's not enough at times. And I completely understand why. But don't ever doubt the importance of yourself to others. Don't ever feel not good enough. Because you totally are. You are one of THE most deserving people I know. And we will get you through this. You have people here who will be here for you, won't walk away, who want to listen to help in any way that they can. You are a wonderful person sweetie, and one day, you will see it too. Until then, you just have to try and trust in us, no matter how hard it seems.

    Love you <33
  6. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Hi Lucy,

    There is not much I can add upon what others told you. But you strike me as an intelligent, funny, spirited and kind person. Appearances, when it comes to the real deal, count for very precious little. When its for real, its not that the he loves you because you're beautiful, you are beautiful because he loves you. And vice-versa. And there is no age to meet the person meant for you. It has more to do with patience, timing and circumstances than anything else. And the dry spells can seem to last forever. But you cant find the real deal until you find yourself and you save yourself. Its very corny, but even if somebody loves you, if you don't first love yourself, it wont work sweetie. Nobody can fill that void for you. You got to get to the point where you, yourself, think you are deserving enough to treat you well and give yourself what you need, emotionally, physically and mentally. I don't want to diminish from one iota what you are going through. Loneliness can seem at time unbearable. But feeling lonely and being alone are not the same. I bounced from one bad relationship to another, ending up either confused, feeling guilty or with a broken heart and certainly the worst for wear. Until the day I said enough of that shit and remained single for three years. I remember one time when I was by myself in my apartment, craving for a darn pizza, and nothing less than one delivered at my door. And I had that idea that pizza was something to eat with beer and a bunch of friends. No luck, I could not reach any of my friends. Suddenly it occurs to me that I was completely insane to deprive myself of something I wanted because I WAS ALONE. So I grabbed the darn phone, called the best pizzeria in town and ordered the pizza of my dreams. I swear, to this day, it was the best pizza I ever tasted.