I know where you're coming from with the overwhelming feeling of anger and the submission of who we are to it's mentality. Sometimes instead of being who we are, it puts a mask on us that manipulates everything coming in and going out, and swirling inside our heads and hearts. I've got that more or less under control cause i know when I feel like that, so I make intensify or I subdue it with stuff like, once everything is smashed and destroyed and Im still standing, what next? Who do Iwant to be. Do I want to become that person by submitting to my aggression and moving forward off of it's limited understanding and perceptional gaze and expression. ect ect
I love anger though. Fuck me it feels so nice, but once that high is gone.. im lower for feeling it. And even, sometimes feels nice. Among the other limitless feelings and combination of.
Na I try not to post journals. I dont want people to read my stuff except for what i want to post in the moment. Idont want anyone to know me, which is working really well. Which in itself is like a blade in my legs

But despite the isolation, it's a freedom from the shit that people will bring into my life, and most importantly the shit and depression I will bring into their lives. Even here, fuck getting to know people. Im trying for some stupid reason, but at the same time Im stopping it. Too many friendly people, too many... fragile people. Im too abusive and direct but I dont leap, I walk step by step, which can be, in the wrong instances very bad for certain people. So I try to stay away, yet Im not for some reason. It's confusing, I bet it's hormones or something cause even though I want people to understand me, Ifucking hate it when people say they understand me cause they dont. But you know that feeling, when you wish someone could udnerstand you, care about you ect.
Ill find that somewhere else not here, not with a friend. Ill find it with someone who knows how to play in a boundary of care, so I can play in that boundary with a release of what they can understand and play with. The rest of me.. is extremely destructive. lol atleast my ego thinks so

More so my worrysome side.
It's ok though. I guess. The compassion of people is a secondary issue to my own issues. Cause you cant be there when im alone, just your echo. And at the end, i wouldnt live for anyone, so id rip your echo to whatever construct i wished to use. When Im alone. When im with, you're you and i wouldnt change you. I dont know where im going with this post. probably another thread killer. Thank god I confuse the hell out of people. I hate it so much, but it's like, my only saving grace to be me, and do what i want to do i suppose.
xx