fuck

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by blub, Jan 13, 2007.

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  1. blub

    blub Guest

    yeah fuck!! they found out, my parents found out. They saw my scars. So stupid. Alway wearing sweaters with longest sleeves and an other sweater on top of that. Today I had one under it where you can see my shoulders and it was hot, so i took the other one off and they saw some on my upper arm. So they aksed me how that happened and i didnt know what to say. I fucking didnt know what to say, i'm so stupid. I ruined everything now. So i walked away, locked myself in the room. Trying to calme down, but dont know how. Always cut myself, but I'm feeling so ashamed and stupid about it now. And dont want them to think they caused that or whatever, i dunno. I want my vodka and just get so drunk, so i dont have any thoughts. But I drunk all my vodka a few days ago. Drinking some crappy sweet 14,5% alcohol now. Felt so confident that i could stop with drinking.
    I ruined everything. Just because of a stupid sweater. Wanna take all the energy pills I have now, probly causes a heart attack. But why so I dont have to feel like this atm? I dont want to be so egoistic anymore. Still I want to die so bad, dont think I will have a bright nice future, but i know its not right to do.
    Ah fuck it, I need to cut. Dont worry tho
     
  2. Stray Kitten

    Stray Kitten Active Member

    Don't feel so bad about getting found out. With something like that, it's really only a matter of time, it's a very, very hard thing to find. Even if you hadn't gotten caught today you probably would have sooner or later.

    Is there no way your can sit down and discuss how you feel and why you cut with your parents? They'd probably be more supportive than you might think.
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Blubby :hug: :hug: :hug:

    Know you don't think so, but this might be for the best. If your parents know what is happening they are bound to get you help and be there to support you.

    I know you're scared and think that they will be disappointed in you, but hun if they love you their only emotion will be concern.
     
  4. blub

    blub Guest

    I know they are supportive. They are wonderfull and want the best for me. But I'm feeling so ashamed about it. They give me all these opportunities to have this wonderfull life, yet I screw everything up. A lot of you here should really hate me, having all of this, everything that can make a person happy. And yet I sh
     
  5. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member

    your future is very bright. and you are not alone. and where your at right now is not where you're going to stay. things will get better. you can have an amazingly bright future with no shame and no guilt. i use to cut too. i understand it can temporarily relieve your pain. like you, i did not know how to cope with life's challenges. i was in horrible emotional pain. yet, i had a good life. good parents. but on the inside i was in pain. i didn't know how to end the pain, so i cut myself to bring momentary relief. because it was only temporary relief i had to learn how to cope. and you can too. i understand the guilt and shame around cutting. i remember being ashamed to show my arms. it has been 10 years since i last cut. i got help. i learned how to cope with my problems. and now i have a bright future...and so do you. believe it.

    i feel like your parents can really offer you support and/or find you help. the fact that they know may be your lifeline. i know your afraid. i understand. things will get better. they really will. you have to believe it. and ask for help.

    God bless you,
     
  6. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    It'll be for the better in the end that they've found out.. you say that they're supportive, and thats a big BIG plus. But sometimes just after parents find out they dont know how to react... its scary for them I guess... the person that they gave birth to is damaging herself...

    I guess what I'm trying to say here is that they might be upset now... just give them some time... and they'll accept it and they'll probably help you too. :hug:

    Dont beat yourself up over it hun... look after yourself.

    TDM
     
  7. blub

    blub Guest

    I dont want help, I'm scared, so scared, taking something away that calmes me down, that relieves the pain, that makes some thoughts dissapear, I'm so scared. And I dont want people to feel sorry for me or give me attention or whatever. I just dont want them to know about whats up, that they leave me alone, and fuck they might found out now about my ED.
    Maybe they will forget, maybe this is just a dream, a nightmare. And everything will be just as always tomorrow when I wake up.
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    No hun, time to look forward not backwards. so they find out the whole horrible truth GOOD !! cos then you wont be alone with it anymore.
    Help will mean being able to not hide and live in fear.
    Help means not sitting in your room drinking and cutting and puking.

    Scarey ? of course it is, change is always scarey and the way you have coped is about to get challenged; but there are better ways hun and a better life waiting for you. Just trust those who care for you most. :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  9. thedeafmusician

    thedeafmusician Staff Alumni

    It calms you down now. It'll come to scare you eventually... its better that you stop before you get to that........

    TDM
     
  10. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Blubs it might seem scarey as hell right now, but I think its for the best. This will involve a step forward for you, just take one thing at a time, breathe and let it happen ;) I have a definate feeling things will improve from here.

    Im always available for a chat :) You know how to reach me, and dont forget you can email me if you want to just write things down and get things of your chest. matt@shooru.com
     
  11. blub

    blub Guest

    I guess :unsure:
     
  12. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Blubs i know your scared but i personally think its for the best. I agree with everything that everyone else has said. Allways here for you x

    Love ya

    Viks x
     
  13. blub

    blub Guest

    Lol, guess its all ok now, I said it was a one time thing and it was stupid and wouldnt do it again, they shouldnt worrie and I dont need someone to talk with blahblahblah. Guess they believed, because they didnt asked more and left me alone the rest of the day, so everything is ok
     
  14. Lost Disciple

    Lost Disciple Well-Known Member

    Erm... the word's of a famous pirate probably describe best my thoughts right now.

    "If you were waiting for the oportune moment... that was it."
    ----Jack Sparrow

    That was probably the best chance you'll get.
     
  15. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I dont want to think in English right now, so I'll just go on in Dutch, blubs.

    Het spijt me dat ik er de afgelopen tijd helemaal niet voor je ben geweest. Het spijt me echt heel erg. Maar alsjeblieft laat me er voor je zijn, blubs. Ik geef om je, meer dan ik heb laten zien en meer dan je denkt. Je wilt niet weten hoe vaak ik die ketting die je voor me gemaakt had in mijn handen heb en aan je denk. Het spijt me echt heel erg. Laat me er voor je zijn, alsjeblieft.
    Waarschijnlijk is het een goed iets dat je ouders erachter zijn gekomen, want je hebt wel hulp nodig. Ik weet dat ik wel zo'n beetje de laatste persoon ben die dat advies aan anderen moet geven, maar ik ben ook stap voor stap bezig. Ik ben hulp aan't zoeken. Misschien niet professioneel nog, maar ik ben wel bezig weer die ladder op te klimmen. En ik weet zeker dat jij dat ook kunt. Alsjeblieft ga ervoor, want je kunt het. En ik steun je voor de volle 100% in die weg naar boven. Ik geef om je. Je kunt me altijd bereiken op Skype (vaak sta ik op afwezig of onzichtbaar maar ik ben er wel vaak), MSN (ook meestal "offline"), Shooru, hier en via email (ester@shooru.com of esterbruls@gmail.com, welke maakt niet uit). Alsjeblieft gooi alles wat in je hoofd zit er regelmatig uit in een emailtje en stuur me dat. Alles opkroppen is slecht. Dat maakt het allemaal alleen maar erger. Ik geef om je Blubs, vergeet dat nooit. Ik ben er voor je.

    Heel veel liefs voor mijn lieve blubbers :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
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