fuck...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jess, Jul 25, 2007.

  1. Jess

    Jess Guest

    I tried to be the best friend I could to people here. I tried to be comforting, supportive and helpful in any way I can. That's what this place is supposed to be about, right? I mean, support is right in the name of the site.. right at the top of the page.

    I tried, I swear I tried.

    I'm not going to lie here when I say I've screwed up pretty bad lately and things REALLY suck. I can't say what happened or what's going on. I don't want to, to be completely honest. It won't matter if I do or don't anyways.

    I know I made the mistake of entering chat this morning. I was angry, and angry at the wrong people. I'm not going to ignore the fact that this place has been hurting me for the past couple weeks I've been around here. People here just seem to look by certain people just because of who they are. And who could blame them when it comes to me? I certainly can't.

    The person I'm most angry at is myself. For messing up so badly, for being so stupid, for being who I am to make people hate me in the first place. I can't be the "right" person. I can't take feeling "wrong" all the time.

    I'm not sure what you'd call it.. ranting or raving about how pissed off I was.. and how much I wanted to do something stupid.. how I was planning it.. whatever.. somehow that gets turned around to make me feel guilty.. to make me scared for someone else..

    I'm so confused.. I messed up once again by the things I said there... I don't know if there's anyone I can talk to without causing them to get upset too.

    Maybe I'm better off dead.. I deserve to be shot for the things I've done.

    And you're right.. I SHOULD be sorry for who I am.



    Just moments like these that I really dont think I can do this any longer...
     
  2. Fluffypingu

    Fluffypingu Safety and Support Chat Pro SF Supporter

    i'm sorry hun i shouldent of contacted you my fault i just wanted to help
     
  3. Deathly Strike

    Deathly Strike Well-Known Member

    That's bullshit, Jess, and you know it.

    You've been an amazing friend not only to me, but to every member on this forum. You're always on hand to give advice, offer support and, in general, be a shoulder to cry on. I'm just confused as to why you can't share your problems with us. We're here to give you what you give us. When I was speaking to you in chat earlier it was clear something was wrong, and I so desperately wanted to help you out. No problem is too big that it stops you seeking advice, right? That's what you told me once. And what's with saying you want to die, eh? You've stopped me from doing something crazy countless times. Don't you think it's slightly hypocritical and contradicting if you went ahead and did something stupid? Not only would I be hurt but I'd be all confused as to whether I should believe you or not.

    You're not better off dead, Jess. I know for a fact that many people here will be badly hurt and upset by your death, myself included. Don't for one second think that nobody here will be affected by your death. You have altered my path in life by stopping me killing myself time after time. If you decided suddenly that you wanted to die and took instant action then you can bet your cotton socks that I'm gonna be deeply hurt. And I think I speak for everybody else here that they'd too be upset/hurt if anything happened to you. And as for being sorry for who you are? You shouldn't be sorry, you should be proud. You're an amazing person. Its not often you meet such a friendly, caring person who is always willing to give advice and be there for someone when they really need someone to talk to. You're that person, Jess, and I can't begin to say how nice it is to have a friend like you. If you ever need someone to talk to, then my inbox is always open and if you wish to contact me further then just ask.
     
  4. Eno

    Eno Guest

    Hiya Jess. I don't know you but I'm really sorry you're finding yourself faced with what you are. When I first came to SF not that long ago I thought I was being completely ignored. It seemed to me like everyone was trying to bring each other down and not reacting to what they were hearing, not being open to new suggestions and letting them in to lift them. When I read something that helped me I'd really let it in and think, yeah, you know, I'd let it in and change my perspective because it helped me feel I had new information that helped me move forward. But I did find some peoples comments troubling and unhelpful. Like you say I felt they were almost turning on me. I think there's a lot of mixed thoughts, feelings and emotions on this site (obviously I suppose) and sometimes things get mixed up. You needed help and it sounds to me like you could have had some much more caring responses. It's not you, it's a mixture of things I think.

    I commend you for helping others so much. I have posted two responses to critical situations and that took me a long time and a lot of energy to do. It is draining to offer your help I've found. Perhaps people will realize you are human to. I don't want to tell you what to do at all but from my experience you sound drained from helping others so how about some you time. Care for Jess for a while.

    I'm sorry you've had a rough day and I hope it gets better. Hope my reply says what I want it to say (i'm not great with people). Hope you find peace today. I think you deserve it.
     
  5. thething912

    thething912 Well-Known Member

    I don't hate you.