Fuck

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Scum, Sep 6, 2009.

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  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm now becoming one of those annoying people who post and there is nothing anyone can say to change things. I'm sorry for that. It does add to my self hate so don't worry.

    Been writing suicide notes today.

    I'm stuck in a process I don't want to be stuck in. I'm going through all this.

    I was so desperate to be ok, I tried so hard and I failed. that desperation to be ok does not leave, but yet now there is no hope and no more options.

    I don't have any choice in this anymore, there are no other options other than death. I just wish there were.
     
  2. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Aw hun dont give up. we all have times when depression seems to take over but u can be stronger. we r here for u let us know what is it to make you feel so love. u r in my thoughts and prayers.
    Beret xx
     
  3. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you Beret :)

    It's not a case of depression though, it's a case of no more options for therapy and knowing I'm stuck like this 'forever'. My hope is gone and has been backed by the doctors who told me that last therapy I tried was my last shot, my last chance, my last option.

    I can't stay like this 'forever'. I just can't.
     
  4. Littlewiji

    Littlewiji Well-Known Member

    I learnt a very important lesson yesterday.

    If you want something badly enough, you WILL get it.

    What I realised is quite what that word will means.

    Certianly, definitely, absolutely.

    If you want to be not suicidal badly enough, you will get that. It may take years. But you WILL get it. And it'll be sweet when you have it.
     
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Oh, if only it were that easy.
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please, try not to hate yourself for posting. This isn't your fault.

    I know there isn't much I can say, but you know I'm around if you need anything. I hope you can find the strength to keep holding on.
     
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I just can't. This is all so hopeless. I've never come across someone who has run out of options for treatment.

    I can't just abide myself.

    Too broken to be fixed.
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't too broken to be fixed. There are always new treatments coming out for different things, and they may come up with another treatment that would help you.

    I know when you're feeling so bad, even living like that for one more day can seem like too much. But just because your doctor told you there are no other treatments out now, doesn't mean there never will be; it doesn't mean you have to live this way forever.
     
  9. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm not going to hold on for something so unknown though, so airy fairy. I would feel stupid for doing that. That's like never dating anyone else because there may or may not be someone better. It would feel like standing on quicksand and trying to grab at anything in the hopes something would be there.

    Plus, I can guarantee, if the therapy was real, it would not be available in my area because they are so fucking shit.

    Don't get me wrong, I know what you're saying, and I know I probably sound very ungrateful and rude, and that's not my intention. I'm vey frustrated and angry about this whole situation, not at any one individual.

    Even if something came along, there is still the interim, which could be decades.
     
  10. ODIECOM

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    Littlewiji posted if you want something bad enough you will get it.
    another way of putting that is, if you cant see it happening ... IT NEVER WILL.
    i have proven to myself that both of those statements are proven facts.

    it takes time and thats the bottom line.
    we dont know what your up against, but there are many here that are in the same boat. just keep plugging away at it.
    i am i dont have to ... i choose to. its all up to what you desire and choose to do.
     
  11. suicidal maniac

    suicidal maniac Well-Known Member

    I"ll have one of those.
     
  12. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Actually, I have never come across anyone who is up against what I'm up against. I have a life long condition, that I have already battled for 17 years, and now have no more treatment options. Therefore, no chance of getting better. If someone else has been told there are no more options for help (from a professional), then I ask them to please say, because I'd love to know how they got through that.

    But you're right. It's my choice.

    I should choose to die. It's my choice and its up to me. I can't do anything in life, so I should choose death.
     
  13. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    i know how that feels, it's a horrible feeling. to be stuck and no one can get you out, no one can ever get through to you. please stay with us.
     
  14. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thank you for hearng. I'm sorry you can relate though.

    I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread, but its not to be made to feel worse, which has already happened, twice, for someone to find me some hope or anything like that, but apparently, just being heard makes a difference.

    Thank you poison.
     
  15. catnip43

    catnip43 Active Member

    I know how you feel. For the last two years, it's like someone "pulled out the rug from under me". Wrecked car, lost job, boyfriend dumped me, couldn't find a new job, and now I've got a 2 year gap in job history. I'm also stuck in a state that I hate (Mom's doing) and I couldn't even get a job at Jiffy Lube, they are not even hiring. I've gone from a lucrative career making almost 6 figures and now I'm on the verge of "homelessness". Where did I go wrong???? There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me.
     
  16. antmiles

    antmiles Member

    Hey,

    I feel the same as you. I've only just got help after ten years though. I suffer with anxiety disorder, depression, suicidal feelings, etc. The doctor told me on my first visit that I'm likely to have these problems all my life... she prescribed tablets, and has referred me for Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and to a Psychiatrist, but she said it's just probably one of those things I've been born with, and will always have.

    How do I cope? I don't know. I really don't. Two days after I finally get the doctors help, which was hard enough, the girl I've been in love with for the last six years dumped me, because she 'wasn't ready for a relationship'. I have no idea why things changed because she says she still loves me, but can't be with me. And it was her that begged me to get help. So, yea, despite being on these tablets, I feel suicidal more than ever right now.

    I just want all this pain to go, and there's rarely a day that goes by where I don't wanna just sleep and never wake up. The more it goes on, the closer my feelings of killing myself get to me doing it, and I don't know how long I can last. Especially knowing these problems will always be with me.

    All I can say is what I do, and that's just to get out the house, and walk! Whenever I feel down, I just walk, until I feel I can relax and the I surround my self with people and family, whether it's online, by phone, in person. Because then, of course, I can't do anything. I don't know why I do this, because I'm sick of living anyway, but I guess suicide can never really be the answer, despite the pain we feel. If we end it, we won't be here to see how we could have turned our lives around and made something of them.

    All I can say is just keep trying, anything you can, because there is always help, even if it's just talking.
     
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