My life has finally taken on the full form of a nightmare- literally. For the past few weeks my subconscious has decided to torture me by taking away my one true and full escape from the pain that has been consuming my day. I have had a recurring dream of a past event in my life that has obviously left scars- both figuratively and physically. MY dream has been about the night I first realized I wanted to die. I was maybe 13 or possibly 14 and my mom had been stressed out to the point of tears earlier in the day so after she had left for her third shift job my dad decided to take matters into his own hands. I'm not going to explain to you all of what he did, just know that he only hit my brother once and all the other pain was inflicted by his words. What I will tell you is after he had sent us screaming and crying up to our rooms, I sat alone in the dark listening to my siblings wails for hours as my dad trashed the house in rage below us. I'm the oldest of five and I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. I'm the big sister, it's my job to protect my younger siblings and I did nothing. Nothing to stop him from hitting my brother in the face, nothing to shield their ears as my father's thunderous screams told us we didn't deserve to live in his house and how we were all worthless and better off dead. AND I COULD DO NOTHING as my siblings cried that they were sorry and that they wanted our mother and that they were scared. I had no idea how much pain I could be in, how much words could truly hurt until that moment when I held the razor in my hand my siblings voices beating on my ears. So now that my depression is returning full force, my mind has decided to really bring out the skeletons in my closet. I see no point in living with this pain if it's just going to come back again and again. I can't keep reliving that night or it'll just kill me anyways. I just want to die, I just want it to be over so I can sleep in peace.