God fucking damnit. I am trying so damn hard to hold it together but these cracks are turning into craters. I've had these really fucking difficult few days and i didn't answer my phone at all yesterday. Mum just rang me at work and was really upset and angry at me and was saying shit like 'if you don't want to associate with this family then just tell me. Your father and i run around doing everything for you and you won't even speak to us'.... And you know what, it's fucking true. I am a selfish piece of shit and i take and i take and i suck everyone dry. I am so fucking toxic. And what she was calling for? My grandpa's cancer has come back, which i knew. But this time it is worse then it ever have been. It's a 2cm tumour in his throat and they are going to have to cut part of his jaw out and part of his tongue again. I can't fucking handle this. None of it. Everything in my life is a battle. I am constantly fighting for some semblance of a decent life. And i am tired. Tired of living in this skin and this sick fucking mind.