Fucked it up. Fucked it all up.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sycotic_Sarah, Aug 22, 2007.

  1. Bad lauguage, may trigger, no fucking clue.

    You fucked it up. Once again. Oh you fucking worthless prat. He was the best friend you could fucking ask for and you go and be a complete prat and do that. You're a fucking worthless bitch. You know, they're all right what they said.

    'you need a slap across the face'
    'she obviously has some really serious problems'
    'what an attention seeking psycho'
    'she deserves to die'

    Oh it could carry on, I really can't be bothered to cry anymore though. They spread on forums about me, messing the situation, twisting it, fucking it up more and more until the blame is down to me and I'm the fucked up one, I'm the screwed up one, I'm the disturbed one, I'm the this and that. Fucking hell, I couldn't care less. I've heard this shit before. Always the same.

    I just threw away an awesome friend, an awesome brother, an awesome person. And why? Because I was angry. Because I was upset. Because I'm a stupid, idiotic, pathetic, cruel THING. No one even cares. No one ever did. I left when we was talking, I didn't want to make him worse, and my anger got the best of me, dammit! I hate being angry. I hate it. FUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEE! I didn't want to even go. I didn't. OH GREAT. SO NOW HE'S GONE AND TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF. Yep, I'm sure as hell a fuck up arn't I? YEP!!! MY FAULT? YEP!
    He said goodbye though. He said it. He promised he'd never say it, yet he did. He gave me permission to die. And now, I've lost him. It's death now. Death. He's gone. I lived for him. I can't live without him. I lost him, and it was my fault. He's gone. He's gone.

    HE'S GONE!

    I'M A STUPID FUCKING PRAT.
    I LOST HIM.
    THIS IS MY FAULT.
    WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER?
    I LOVE HIM AND CARE FOR HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

    I feel like crying my eyes out.
    I feel like tearing my skin apart.
    I feel like screaming till my voice is gone.
    I feel like killing myself.
    I feel like utter shit.
    I feel so angry.
    I feel so upset.
    My face is sore from crying.
    I give up.
    I HATE THIS.
    I HATE IT.
    WHY, WHY, WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!

    I need him so much.
    I need him.
    I want him back.
    I need him back.
    I need you back Andrew. I need you back.
    I'm so, so, so sorry...
    :mad::sad::cry:



    Sorry. I'm just so angry and upset. I needed to let it out. I'm sorry if this triggered or offended anyone. It isn't directed at anyone on this forum. I apologize if I've upset anyone or anything...
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2007
  2. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Hey Sarah, we cannot always be accountable for other peoples reactions, somewhere along the line a decision is made by a person that goes beyond anything we say or do to someone. It remains in everyones power to choose compassion over hate and to heal instead of hurt, it seems that someone has taken to heart something you have said or done, or at least it feels that way to you but in the end the decision did not rest in your hands.
     
  3. Doesn't matter.
    Was only a matter of time before this would of happened.

    Now it's time to

    SCREAM

    and

    CURSE

    and

    BREAK THINGS

    and

    SLAM DOORS

    and

    die.
     
  4. Robin

    Robin Guest

    But realistically, how will those things help?
     
  5. They'll make things a hell of alot better.
    Trust me.
     
  6. Robin

    Robin Guest

    Maybe but the relief seems only temporary, otherwise you wouldn't keep finding yourself in the same place over and over again.
     
  7. I wasn't talking about what you're talking about.
     
  8. stayorgo

    stayorgo Member

    Hi Sarah,

    You said he tried, does that mean he didn't succeed and is still a live for you to mend your argument? Like the other person said you can't take responsibility for what someone else does. If it wasn't your argument that set him off it would have been someone or something else. Forgive yourself!

     
  9. I said he's gone off and tried.
    I dunno what is going on.
    I'm just sitting here like a complete fuck up and crying and just...
    BLAH.

    :(