Fucked Up Life Doesn't Ever Get Better

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fangfarris, Feb 20, 2010.

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  1. fangfarris

    fangfarris New Member

    Cutting it short,
    I had a REAL fucked up childhood...abuse...molestation...divorce...you fucking name it. Moved around with a lot of family members. My mom has Alzheimer's and doesn't even remember me anymore. My dad and I only quasi-talk.
    I got excommunicated from my mom's side of the family for being gay.
    Right now, I live with my friend's family, and they owe me $700.
    My boyfriend who talks to me only when it is convenient for him, owes me $600.
    I'm trying to become a Certified Nursing Assistant.
    I'm waiting on word from Millikin University about getting a full-ride scholarship.
    I can't find any logical reason to live.
    I don't believe in some random God who loves me so much that he wants me to suffer and continue to stumble through a fucked up life that doesn't ever get better. I already know Millikin won't give me the remainder of the financial aid that I need to attend.
    I'm currently living for my best friend and boyfriend. I know it's "unhealthy," but it's the only reason I have. I hate myself, and I have no LOGICAL reason to live. I just don't want to hurt those who I love.
    Sometimes, how much I hate my life becomes stronger than the love I have for people close to me, and I just want it to end and become nothing.
    I really have no clue why the fuck I'm bothering to post here.
    I might just drive to San Francisco and jump off that Golden Gate Bridge. Or I could just ram my car into an overpass at 100 mph...
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are feeling so terribly bad and that suicide seems the like the solution. Is there anything in life that makes you smile inside? Anything upon which you may start to build a life that you wish to have? Sounds to me like the school/education route is really important to you. Can you see about Pell Grants and Student Loans? You come out owing but it is worth it especially if we are talking about your life here.

    Please stay and talk to use more, this is a caring group and between us all you will find more than one person that can relate to your story and that can comfort and advice.

    Take care,
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