i lost my last friend today. i knew he didn't feel sympathy for me, i just amuzed him but still, to me he was a friend and he was tghe only one i still said vague things to. now i am all alone. last week i lost the petrson who i trusted the most, he hurt me very bad. i'm all alone. grandma is sick. i am worried like hell about that. i keep haviong nightmares about grandpa who died few years ago. Today i woke up around 4-30, because i was dreaming that he was beating me and grandma with a garden hose. and in my dream he did it because my grand-grandma was telling him to do it. and i am starting to believe things again, like that they are here and wanting to harm us, i know it sounds stupid but after so many nightmares of basically the same thing i just start thinking maybe it means something. lik maybe that's why grandma is feeling sick. ah. i feel so lost and panicked and i see stuff, i am total;ly losing it, and now i don't have like ANYONE to tell. i keep thinking how to harm myself, i do have a way but it's so unhealty, and i was thinking lately, maybe cutting is healthier trham that, even if i don't want to do ity because of the scars. i don't know. i'm so lost. panicked all the time. afraid, hurt. ALONE. but with a certain someone's logic i whould be shutting up and be thankful cos i have it so good next to other people out there. maybe he is right. fuck me if i know anything anymore.