A
Ever feel like people just not like you? I've been trying so hard to make this one person like me and I think instead of being liked, I'm becoming annoying, clingy, and needy. I feel so desperate sometimes. Just yearning for their acceptance of me. but time and again, i just get criticisms. I have no one to talk to anymore, and the one person I thought I could share myself with doesn't want to talk anymore. I put my heart and soul out there this time and I failed. I failed. I feel like I opened myself up for the first time only to get it slammed back in my face. I think I was trying too hard. But it wasn't that. When I wasn't trying, I received anger and threat. I was so afraid of losing them, so I tried harder. i put myself out there, and for what, to get ridiculed and rejected. It hurts so much now. I only wanted to be there for them. to take care of them. to love them like a good friend. I still want that, but now...i can't be myself anymore. I have to act happy all the time. And that, of all things, makes me feel more alone than anything. I just want them to understand me. I thought they did. no. I thought we shared something special...i don't know anymore. i feel abandoned. like who I am is not worth it anymore. like they wished i was someone else... I wish I was someone else. why do i complicate things so much. why do i take everything so personally. why am i so afraid to lose them. i don't know. i'm just rambling. I don't know. I feel like killing myself again. I just want all this emotional instability to end already. I fucked up a good thing and I can't get it back. Now it's like how it used to be with me, and that's what brought me here in the first place. I don't want to be closed anymore, but no one likes me open. I opened up and was rejected. What the fuck does that mean! I wish sleeping pills really worked. fucking crap.