Fucking anxiety

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Sep 3, 2010.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Tomorrow I'm supposed to go to a wedding.

    The oldest friend I have. We've been friends since I was 2. That's one quarter of a century.

    I've had my hair done (cut and dyed), I've got an outfit, I've bought myself curling tongy things. The only thing I haven't yet done is get a present.

    I get to see other old friends.

    I want to go.

    But I can't.

    My anxiety is crippling.

    I've cried ridiculous amounts about it.

    I've panicked.

    I've ignored it.

    I've blocked it out.

    But I can't.

    It's tomorrow.

    I can't go. I just can't.

    But I said I would.

    I just can't though.

    But I want to.

    I just can't.

    I'm going to let everyone down. Have those childhood friends be let down. Piss them off. All the stuff I hate to do to people and I'm going to end up doing it because my anxiety is so fucking crippling.

    I'm a loser.

    It feels like my life ends tomorrow. Or will end tonight.

    The only way out seems like death, but I know that I won't do that however much I crave it. I won't ruin her day in that way too.

    I'm a loser.

    But I can't go.
     
  2. Decode

    Decode Well-Known Member

    I can relate to the whole anxiety and wedding thing i had to do one earlier this year.
    Its a good friend, you've had you hair done, got a dress you obviously had planned to go and as is got closer you are worring about it more thats normal. I would forget about meeting all the other people just think you are going for your friend. You could just go and say if anyone asks you not feeling great and then just leave after to reception, i'm sure your friend would just be happy you came and you wouldn't feel so bad. You never know you may calm down once you get there and decide to stay a bit longer and you know your going to feel worse if you don't go and you'll wish you had. Your not a loser, its really hard when you feel like that.

    Do you have any ideas for presents?
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    get your doc to give you something that works fast for your anxiety okay ativan maybe to just help take the edge off okay for the day ask doc okay
     
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's too late to go to the docs unfortunately.

    It takes a lot for me to say 'can't' and when I say it, it really does mean I 'can't'. Game over.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    oh that is to bad then just do some slow breathing okay it works really slow breathing and just go you will hate yourself more if you don't. Are you on medication for anxiety at all can yu go to a walk in clinic and get something
    forme breathing real slowly and out slowly decrease the anxiety it does i hope you go.
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a loser, the anxiety isn't your fault. Anxiety is awful, because it can prevent you from doing things, things you may even want to do, because it's so severe. And I know that won't take away how bad you feel; but I've been there, and I can relate.
     
  7. fooror

    fooror Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you are well acquainted with anxiety scum, so you probably know that the worst of the anxiety occurs before you have to go/do whatever it is you have to do.

    You know that when you are there, it won't be are bad or as paralysing as you think it will be now.

    Just get through today, get dressed tomorrow, get yourself there, and it won't be as bad as you think.

    Plus, you know that you have to go as you have known this person for so long. What else are you going to do, bunk it at the last minute? You know that the memory of that (for your friend) will make you feel worse in the long term, than the next 24 hours of anxiety that you will feel.

    From what you have written, I know that you can recognise what I have said. :)
     
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    The people who know me are saying don't go, or just removing the pressure. The people who don't know me are telling me to go.

    I've woken up today very dissociated. I'm very dangerous. If I go to the wedding I'm supposed to OD or cut before which I guess is supposed to make it more manageable or achieveable.

    The choice is now being taken out of me hands. Scum is disappearing into the back of her head to be taken over by someone very destructive.

    I'm fucked.
     
  9. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :nerves: :console:
     
  10. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Well, I cut badly this morning but did still carry on getting ready but when I was coming to the end of doing my hair I started crying and couldn't stop. So therefore couldn't and didn't go.

    Yes, I'm a loser but it wasn't something a chose to do.

    No one could hate me as much as I hate myself right now.
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not a loser. You really tried. :hug: It's not your fault.