Fucking Disease is driving me crazy.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by doityourself, Oct 22, 2010.

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  1. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Please mind, stop playing tricks on me. I’m a good person, haven’t I had enough, can’t you just give me one day of happiness, show me some light, please. I live a good life, stop torturing and harassing me. I can’t take another day another minute of this life. It’s all such a rerun of depression and anxiety. I hate it, my body feels so tense and my teeth are snapped shut tight. I want to feel relaxed, I want to feel calm. I want to feel like everything will be okay, I’ve tried brainwashing myself into believing it, when is it going to happen. Why can’t I wake up and be like today is okay, I can get through this. Why do I have to feel like nothing is going to change, EVER…..

    People say it’s going to be okay. Well I’m fucking 33 years old and it hasn’t changed yet. People say you should be proud of yourself that you’re not like your family. Well know what, I’m jealous of them, I’m jealous that they can live in their drug infested minds and be happy. I’m jealous that they have no responsibilities in this world. Why is it that they put us through all of that and then get to live a life of no remorse, no consequences. Why do they get to wake up and dream their way through the day and I have to struggle not to put a xxxxx. I hate this world; I’m beginning to hate everything in it. I’m having a hard time controlling my anger these days, as you can see.

    Try therapy, try pills, tried them all for years now. Getting to the end of the ledge and its only a matter of time before I fall off.

    This can’t be good for my children; it can’t be good for my H. So what do I do, do I keep putting them through this so the cycle can repeat, or do I end it all now. The pills don’t work, the weeds not working, I can’t take this feeling of hate, anger, rage, I want out, and I’m too tired to keep trying. I’m to tired to fight to get out of bed to go through a day of mental torture, but I do. I keep trying and keep being let down. I can only take so much more of this. That’s it, that’s all.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 23, 2010
  2. cloudy

    cloudy Well-Known Member

    have you sat and talked to your husband and kids and come up with a solution to help you sort things out? minus the kids and husband, i am almost in the same canoe as you. i don't know if there is anything that i can say that would help. but talking about your problems with someone who may have some suggestions for you. i have a lot of anger, hate, and rage towards people who have harassed me over the past 7 years. i've got a thread about dropping out of college and going to prison because these fucking people are bothering me so much that i am having anxiety attacks from hell and mood swings.

    try to stay busy and findn things that relax you. take a walk. take a nap. keep fighting the good fight. kinna p.s. : i;m nuts aka schizoaffective. ocd.
     
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know many of us know what you are talking about...I am having a relatively good to indifferent time, then all of a sudden, there it is...I hate me, I hate the world...I cry for what seems like no reason, when all the reasons are within me...sometimes, I feel like I cannot breathe because when I take in the air, it is going to feed the demons...and yes, I fight each day too...and sometimes have an OK one...why do I keep fighting? Because I want to win and win on my terms...go back to therapy and try to find someone to help you continue the path...there is nothing to loose...and keep posting...there are really ppl here who understand...PM me if I can be there for you...J
     
  4. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Yep, still on the roller coaster of emotions this week, wish I could find the exit. I want to get off now.

    Thank both of you for posting, I find sometimes that I just need to rant, not that it helps but I guess I get my feelings out there. I hate that so many of us suffer without really any help.
     
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think posting does have a real positive effect on how one feels...getting it out allows one a voice which is critical when the world feels so uncontrollable...please continue to let us know how you are doing...big hugs, J
     
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    So here I am again, getting tired of feeling the same old feelings of doom. Like I just want someone to pull the trigger, put me out of my misery.

    These feelings of self hate, self guilt, depression, why does it always have to be about me in my mind, cant I take a vacation from myself.

    Really why does the thoughts of taking my car and ramming it into a tree sound so good right now, like that’s my answers to everything. Why does your mind have to play tricks like that? Where the hell does these thoughts come from? Am I crazy or is this just a dream? Please wake me up at anytime now.

    Why do I feel like I’m being abused and all used up? Why does my life feel like a burden, to tired to keep going, to blah to even want to.

    Lately I’ve felt so alone, friend-if you call them that only call to use me for smoking and its depressing. Husband only needs me for sex and cleaning, kids need me for meals and running them around. Me all I get is my pot, really that’s all my routine is, my H thinks as long as I’m smoking I shouldn’t have anything to complain about right.

    Well it not always the cure, I’m just tired of being me. I’m tired of these thoughts, I’m tired of not having money because I do smoke and spend it all on that. I’m tired of smoking; I’m tired of needing to smoke.

    Okay enough venting my life sucks but will not change unless I change it, so how do I go about changing it? That’s the question that keeps me up at night and makes my mind run in circles.

    I hate being me, never satisfied never happy, can I be you for a day, can we just trade places for one day. For one day I would like something to look forward to, a reason to get out of bed, a feeling of happiness-anything....
     
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Can you get any time to yourself to relax and love yourself? My fantasy (if I could afford it) is to check into a quality hotel, order food and drink from room service, have a big soak in the tub and sleep in a big comfy bed.
    Maybe settle for a solitary walk and a nice cup of tea?
    Hang on in there.
    Love and hugs xxxxx
     
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Thanks Fitzy, I know I need to get breaks more often, but there is just no money right now or ever.

    Im trying to keep my mood up, suposely my niece is flying in next month and I cant wait, shes like my daughter. So its something to look forward to and plan.
     
  9. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you have someone you feel close too. Will you be able to talk to her about what's going on for you?
     
  10. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Aaww:hug:
    thats what I mean - you're lovely the way you still care for others even though you are struggling too!
    Its time to be good to yourself now, if you were worried about someone you'd do anything to try cheer them up... so you are just as deserving if not more so...
    So how about a few little treats spread out over a few days... doesn't have to cost the earth... a fav choc bar, fav magazine,flowers, bubble bath... whatever is special to you? Something that says to you you're special AND WORTH IT!!! AND you are....!!
    I got H to buy me my fav magazine earlier (he'd never think of it on his own) but I am so looking forward to my hot chocolate and a good catch up on who's who in the zoo! So I'll have my me time later when son is in bed.
    Wish I was nearer to take you for a coffee
    so sending cyber flowers instead! :pinkrose:
    Hang in there so you can do loads of fun stuff with your niece.
    Hugs
    Ditsy x
     
  11. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I believe you should try to permanently get off of the marijuana. Not that you have either condition but pot has been clinically proven to exacerbate schizophrenia and OCD. You do have a chemical imbalance causing depression and anxiety and you are already taking some medication- the pot IMO can only be causing you harm after the temporary escape.

    Your life has been one stressful situation after another and now caring for two young children is a tremendous responsibility- your nervous system is wired for high alert. My nerves are easily worn threadbare but I find a little relief in meditation and exercise. When I do give in to a drink or two the relief is only temporary and I'm playing with fire given my family history and the medications I'm already taking.

    The self hatred and guilt is abuse baggage- old tapes being replayed and very hard to eradicate. The restlessness and never feeling satisfied too, but it does end. Please stick to therapy, prescription medications and please try proven healthy practices. It feels like enormous work with no payoff and seems like an eternity but keep fighting.
     
  12. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your words, It does mean alot to me when you take the time to read my posts.


    I have tried many of times to get off of self medicating. It never sticks, pot is the one thing that helps me not fly off at anyone. Medication does work but it makes me feel like Im in a zone, plus alot of the medications they give me is addicting and with a mother thats a prescription addict its just not a chance I want to take permanately. I have been clean for a long period of time and yes things were better but life was so much differant back then, I didnt have as many responisbilities as I do now. Hell I had none, but to be married. I do take medications when it gets to hard, so maybe its time to do this again, been waiting on a buddy to do the same and told him that when he does I will but Im thinking I need to make the first step.

    I think my problem is Ive lost my way, Ive become accostumed and satisfied with being a wife, a mother, that thats all I have now. Ive let it become my everything, some say this may not be a bad thing, but it feels like its taken my insides and left this robot of a person.

    The only thing I do for myself is smoke, so taking that away it would leave me with nothing. I need something to replace it with and havent figured out what will not leave me feeling like Im missing something.

    Im not giving up the hunt, just tired of looking and being dissapointed.
     
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