Fucking SHIT!!!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Perishable, Nov 9, 2007.

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  1. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Ya know, the constant thoughts that reminice through my mind are so self mutilating and suicidal, I cannot bear to keep them in a mental state. I want to end it all. Bye bye...
    Its just, at the moment, the internet seems to be my only communication with the outside world.
    I live in the now. And I dont like to really depend on the future. I want NOW to be better. I try to make it this way, but my efforts are meaningless. :mad:

    I could be patent and await the day I am released from the grasp of my mother. But that would be depending on the future. Which, I hate...
    I never know if I will be alive then. Either by chance, or my own sadistic doing.

    LALALALALA!

    I dont see meaning. I dont see anything.
    Im blind to the reasoning that would keep me sane. I get tired of striving.
    It sickens me deep in my stomach to know I am the only one in my family who tries...

    Everyone else is so shoved far up their own ass that they refuse to let go of a grudge. Fucking anus.

    :sad: why?

    I dont want to do anything. I contradict myself so much.
    I have the dominance in my unhealthy ways...
    then, I choose, that well...Healthy is good. And being benefical to the world is best, why make things harder than they have to be. I think it would be better to no elaborate the evil and focus on the good.

    Then my mind will think...Well, FUCK! HOW COULD I DOMINATE EVIL WITH GOOD WHEN NO GOOD SURROUNDS ME!
    The only good that emits from anything is me. I have to create it. I have to be friendly. Because no other stupid fuck has the will to pursue it.

    Sometimes I think this ranting blabber is useless, because once I die my epitaph will be just another amoung the others.

    I CANNOT EXIST WITHIN THIS IDIOCRACY!!!!!! :dry:
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so difficult to be surrounded by ppl who lack compassion...I hope you continue to retain your goodness, knowing that even though you feel alone, you are valued... please be safe and share with us...big hugs, J
     
  3. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    what happened ?
     
  4. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Well...My mother is a bitch. I have written some stuff about her and my life in another thread.... I'll re-post
     
  5. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    First off.
    My mother. I only have one. And she dilberately hurt me last year. I will never forgive her, and now I have lost all respect for her.
    I am not the kind of person to hold a grudge. But she broke my heart.
    I know that may sound odd. But I was trying to build a magnificent bond, between a mother and daughter... and she told me.
    "I dont want to be your friend. I dont care about your feelings. I dont want to tell you my feelings."
    I told her about how I was molested when I was 12. She became infuriated. Not with my molester...but with me. It tore me up inside, I dont cry. But, That ripped me apart so bad I wanted to take a shot gun and blast my brain into smithered fragments onto the wall. It hurt...immensely.
    So I ran away using the assistance of a best friend. I ran away with my father who wasnt living in the same house hold at the time. When I got there, he was mad also. It was disgusting how much little...or how I was recieving no care or concern from my parents. They have horrible parenting skills. For this, I wish to have no children of my own.
    Im 17 and I want to start my life, go to college...My mother is dissapointeed that I want to go to college in a different state. (This is to be as far from her as possible). My family is on welfare and etc... No money what so ever. But I dont care. I hold 2 jobs and Im trying. Really, I am. But they dont. They tell me I cant do anything.
    my mother told my father that I was molested. And he told her I was lying.

    I was molested by x-bestfriend when I was 12, consistantly for a year. I was molested when I was kindergarten, this I vaguely remember, but it is a memory none the less. For this, my mental state on sexual issues is distorted. Its resolving now. I have become more accepting to the fact and realizing to man-up and move on. But it is extremely difficult.

    I have some one who I found recently who I think I may be in love with. But I dont know, I get draw backs, as if I am afraid of intimacy. Its extremely hard for me to express my love and care. Since I cant towards my family and I have never really held a relationship. Society is mostly droned into fucking and no love. What I lack is love. It kills.
    Without love...I... I dont know.
    Im so destroyed inside I want to dissapear.

    I tried commiting suicide by...well. I had a stomach problem last year, I had strong pains, But I said nothing. It hurt to wear I thought I was dieing. I have a high pain tolerance level. I knew something was wrong, seriously wrong, and it hurt, the pain, I wanted it to kill me. I knew it would. But, my mother saw me lieing on the floor one night and took me to the hospital. They said If I waited any longer I would have died, I was rushed into surgery.
    when the doctors examined me, the saw this enourous bruise on my thigh. My mom had previously beaten me. It was enourmous to wear they questioned on how on earth I would obtain such a bruise. My mom answered for me saying "Oh, she fell."

    I wanted to make things better with my mother and I failed.
    I tried to cure my thoughts from my past...and Im failing.
    I dont know what I need, but my mentality is horribly mangled.
    ....Death sounds darling. An end. Not an escape from my problems. But a solution to my suffering.
     
  6. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    my parents absolutely love me but very recently i came to realize that they also sheltered me to an extent that i became a coward and i can't function in the society properly..well, its not their fault totally and i dont blame them as they also done a lot for me probably more than what other parents would....it can really come as a revelation... to realize your parents are wrong... I mean, we grow up believing, in many cases, that our parents are perfect people and never wrong... we treat them as gods because, for all intensive purposes, they have god-like power over us for a lot of years...but it is very important to see our parents as human... human beings that have flaws and make mistakes...there is no point in falsely trying to convince yourself that your parents are perfect..reading your situation, i am sure they have problems of their own like depression and thats why they pour all their frustration on you..i have had a fair share of that too..but there is no point in worrying about it..unless we stand up and look at them without the rose-colored glasses, we are (or feel) trapped and powerless...just forgive them and move on.. why do you want to commit suicide when you haven't done any thing wrong?.. and that too for the sake of your parents who don't care about you ?..Im a total fuck up and everyone laughs at me, no friends at all the ones i did basically used me, i was bullied mentally though out my life especially in sophomore year of college, there are rumors about me related to my sexuality which are true anyways, i cant face people because i dread the dirty looks they give me or the questions they will ask me. everyone is talking about me in the small town i live. add to that i look in a country like India where people are extremely narrow minded and have hang ups when it comes to any issue like this. I was and still afraid that when i move out next year to US to attend graduate school, i will face these people again as too many of them are already there working/studying. i spent so many sleepless nights over it. i really fear being laughed at. But lately, it just seems to me that life is too short to justify the kind of constant anguish and foreboding and dread of the future I used to live under. It didn't serve any positive purpose. It only aggravates your problem and makes you feel much more inferior than you actually are. Nothing is forever. I will just go and get my graduate degree regardless of what people think. What will I get by bothering about people who don't mean anything to me in the first place ? Why should I destroy my life with my own hands just because they want so ? There may not be much I can do right now to improve my external situation .. but there's a lot you can do to change inwardly, to change how you view it and respond to it..that's what I've been discovering recently. I've at last come to terms with my chronic inability to attract a friend, and have stopped caring about it. I also wish that one day that become inured to what people say and isolate myself totally from this world except my close ones. That's what damaged me the most in my life. I would suggest that you should move out and attend college in whatever state you want. Stop trying to make furtive attempts at pleasing your mother.Try to get into a computer science program, thats where the real money is and its not that hard either.Do whatever it takes to make the most of the life you have.You have the potential for a better life than many people here. Please don't throw that away.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2007
  7. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    :/
    :dry:
    Your life sounds astoundingly difficult. But I'm not going to compare our lives for the whole rivalry of 'whose is worse'.

    For me, It pains to identify my own mother...My parents, as the enemy.
    For, they have created me, and they put on such destructive forces upon me. I live for love. If I have nothing to love. I die.
    Having a 'family' be eliminated from my priorities is devastating.
    You see, my mother hounds me as if I am the most foulest thing in the house hold. Everyone else is treated respectively. I am treated as though I am there to defile her. Like, I lie, cheat, and disobey with a content intention.
    My Father has no support for me. He says I cant do anything. As if to tell me "I failed, you're doomed to never make it, so dont try."
    I have three younger siblings spoiled to the extent of rot.
    I have three X-bestfriends who have betrayed me. Molestation, trickery, backstabbing, and being used... I bump into them now and again. It isnt the most gorgeous feeling in the world.
    For 99% of my life I have been put down. This being my last year of highschool, I am on top of my game. But, Im so psychotic.
    From the age 8-16 I have had the most horrible course of events. Im 17 now, and I am trying to manage 'normal-ism' and straighting out things.
    I want to be 'blind' to the past for a more viewable present.
    As I say, I live in the 'now'. In the present. I try not to dwell with my past or fantasize about the future. And...Right now is not well.
    Not at all indeed.

    I'm planning on moving out in the next couple of months. To get away and live freely. If I'm alive then, I will be more than happy to mention to you all how I have made, how I have managed, if my mind is persisting or commencing into progression for the beneficial.

    When are you planning to move to the U.S?
     
  8. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    One of the things i dont like about this site is how some posts go unanswered.


    Yea its no point comparing our lives because I live in a totally different culture than yours. Even within my own country I live in a town which is probably most esoteric in this world. People have a staring problem here. Even outsiders complain about it.Every body knows every body's business. It seems like a prison to me and people here treat me like I've committed a felony and I should suffer for my whole life.


    I'm not telling you to see your parents as enemy but all am saying is that you should think of your own good. There is nothing selfish about it. They are human beings with faults so just forgive them and move on. We will make mistakes, just as our parents made mistakes, and our kids will make mistakes, just as we made mistakes when we were their age. But you have to do your duty; You can't let these things stop you. People who never give up are the ones who eventually succeed. I've seen many examples of this.


    Yea most of my past friends just used me as well. They got my help when they needed it. I actually made some good and true friends, but they were not in the crowd of popular kids in school. They also came from a poorer section in the society. Some others discriminated against them discreetly but I never did. Now, I'm out of touch with them and I don't even feel like contacting them as my self esteem is extremely low at the moment. I will be realistic, speaking as someone who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.You have popular kids, you have nerds, you have average kids, and you have kids (whom) others don't like to play with. If you belong to any of the three categories then you never have any problems but I was some where between 3 & 4 and thats why I suffered a lot. When I tried to open up to people, everyone thought I was weird, stupid and a whipping boy. Then when I stopped interacting with them, they labeled me as a snob and an arrogant person. The worst bullying I got was from the most popular kids throughout school, high school & college. The world loves that kind of person and hates people like me. Some times I even feel that they were full of insecurity and considered me to be a threat in some way. Recently, I had a flashback from my past and I started feeling so horrible that I vowed that if I meet any of these guys in US, then I will probably take them to a corner and break their leg with a bat or a hockey stick. I wanted to do it very badly but then I don't want to do it because its wrong. Its just the anger within me. I got the worst comments from girls; they all gave me looks as if I was a rapist or some anti social freak. Every girl that I've met has found me to be a extremely repulsive & selfish personality.

    I feel uncomfortable telling you this because you have already suffered. I wasn't really molested but at the age of 6, but a guy(supposedly a friend who turned out to be the biggest enemy later) of same age used to do things to me that were quite perverted. Its surprising how he knew about all this at that age but yes it did have a degrading affect on me. That actually fucked my mental process with regards to sex and i got addicted to porn and dirty stuff at a very early age (6-7). I still have a lot of issues with it.I cant really love a girl. I just lust after them. Thats why I decided I will never marry because i don't want to give anyone pain nor can I live with guilt. I do have a conscience which tells me right and wrong.


    Sure...I would definitely like to listen. I do feel sorry for you because you have already suffered a a lot at 17. I remember when I was 17, I was starting college and I was extremely motivated because I wanted to exact revenge on everyone who had put me down. Now I don't have that fire.

    Actually, I've planned to move next year fall '08 but I rather not say much because right now I've many hurdles to cross like sending applications, appearing for visa interview etc..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2007
  9. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this emotion. Simply due to my home life. The very apparent difference here is that when I am outdoors I feel a sense of liberty... You're culture does sound severe. But, thats why sometimes being in horrible situations make being in the bad situations, very much appreciated. So if you did full-fill your plans of coming to the U.S. The whole society battery would minimize sum. Everyplace has its society/populace downfall though...

    I understand that, that was not your goal intention. But, What I'm trying to say is that, its hard to eleborate on myself, when I am not at good terms with the pair that has created me. Its like a Book "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley. All the monster wants to do is be accepted and loved, and the creator wants to kill him. This drives the Monster insane in rampage. Hence my situation. It reminds me of myself.

    ...
    Being molested has fucked up my mentality on sex as well...50% as it has done to you. Half of my mind wants an eternal love, some one to share life experiences with. The other half...Just wants to fuck everything with a cock because I dont give a fuck. Cause if I cant satisfy my life goals, I might as well satisfy myself for a short term of time. Be happy for the hour or 10 mins or however long...and go on with my crummy exsistance. It's kind of associated with self mutilation. Something that makes you feel good but its not exactly healthy. (Cutting,drinking,smoking,unmoral sex, etc...)

    I dont have 'Guilt' or feel 'Guilty' for things I have done or feel guilty while I am doing something. So I can see where you are coming from.

    Dont feel uncomfortable either... I am a very open, opinion accepting, and life style understanding person. How ever you choose to live your life does not phase me negatively. I like hearing how other people are making out with their years.

    College...schooling. Yeah. all those applications and what not. Thats the doosy of getting started. :dry:
     
  10. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I would say that my culture is great for some one who loves to socialize and very outgoing with good personality. But its hell for wierdos( an extreme case
    ) like me. I don't think my problems will just vanquish when I go to US; I just think they will drop down by at least 50% though. Many of those who gave me hard time are in the US as well and they are going to put me through a lot of shit when they get the opportunity but at least there is a chance that may be I might not meet them ever. Another weird reason I have is that going to a graduate school means that another 2 years of my pathetic life would pass by but then again I feel sad coz that means I get to spend 2 years less with my parents. These events have scarred me for life. I don't think I will ever be normal according to societal standards. Can't make no friends nor can I act friendly because I'm always fearing that my past will be revealed. MY dream job in US is one where :

    1. I don't have to see any one who knows my past
    2. I don't have to maintain any social interaction with anyone
    3. I spend 6-7 hours alone in my cubicle.

    My mom says she will find me a bride by 27 but I personally don't want to marry because marrying some one will invite lot of problems. Marriages in our culture are an extremely social affair; 700-800 people attend the marriage and you are supposed to be on good terms with every one. Then after marriage you have to be extremely careful because divorces are a taboo in our society. Now, I think why should a normal girl marry a mentally ill person like me ? I can't really She won't understand my issues any way and might actually fuck up my whole life if she happens to be evil. I really don't want to marry because I would like to live my life the way I want it; This is necessary to avoid further troubles.



    I dont believe that your parents dont love you..I think they probably are so entangled in their own problems that they take out their anger on you.

    I myself used to think sometimes that my parents don't love me or may be they are evil, but believe me its just a delusion for the most part. Its all in the head. I took that though out of my mind for some months and now I think that I wasted all my time thinking that way. Just get rid of the thought and I can say that at least 20-50% of the problems go away.

    All I would like to say to you is that this world is full of materialism and its fake- both the pleasures and pain. When we die we don't take any of it with us. One has to learn how to tolerate the temporary pains and pleasures of this material world.
    I actually don't like sex or any sexual thoughts although I am addicted to it. Sex itself cannot be totally seen as normal if it is only for sense gratification.
    The problem is people do it only for the sake of having pleasure and thats why there is perversion in society like rape, abuse, extra marital affairs, prostitution and even people who would fuck their mother, sister and daughter. There is no end to it as you can never be satisfied; you only feed the fire. I believe in restricted sexual life where one should have sex with his/her life partner and that too as an expression of love. I know that many people are going to reprimand me for this but this is what I believe. Partly it developed from reading many religious scriptures but then I don't really follow any religion.


    I have just started sending the applns..waiting for results now..:rolleyes:
     
  11. lovinit

    lovinit Member

    You live a hard life and you do with a cast iron mentality, you obviously understand that whatever happened in the past cannot be changed, which is often enough to make me rip something (or someone) to pieces, and you don't want to look ahead for a answer or wait for prince charming to come help you. To me it seems like you should just sit down and look at yourself, and realize all your problems are external, because you did not make them, your not crazy or delusional, you know what causes you enough pain the only way out is death. You did all you could to solve your problems (and almost completely succeeded). It seems like you need to not let the your past follow you, when you start thinking about the painful things that have happened to you make yourself relive the pain they caused you. Just let go of your grievances, your old enough you can control what you do, who you know, what they know about you, and that puts you in a position where if something hurts you, you can walk away and never look back.
     
  12. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    death can never be the only way out.Most of the times there is a way out which is not seen by the person who suffers. In these cases, as the pain is relieved, the thoughts about the suicide are gone.
     
  13. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    Why? If it was some one other than the people of your past, why would it bother you. Perhaps you would meet someone you could relate to on a great level. A good friend. I mean, most people are shallow peverted jack-ass whores, but every now and then you can come across an interesting individual. I think you can be social and not have to bring up your past.
    But I understand the whole enclosure aspect of your wishes.
    Are you going to pursue the career of a business man?

    They have not specifically mentioned that "They dont love me". But they have told me the only reason I am here is to listen, obey, and not to enter any form of my opinion upon them. To care about their issues because they do not care of mine, and they wish to not be my friend. I dont see how they could 'love' me while using those words against me, its more like 'using' my existance for their benefit.

    Wow, what type of schools? What religion does your family follow if you do not mind me asking. If you dont want to say, no problem.

    I drown my past in the rivers of 'forget'. (lol)
    But as they famous qoutes is said. "The past is doomed to repeat itself".
    And it does in my life, time and time again. Reminding me. That my present succeeds in being my past.

    Im trying to live in the now. It works. When harm and abuse is placed upon me, I just shove it in the back of my mind and continue forth. But I can only do this so many times before I do become dilusional.
     
  14. wanttodie

    wanttodie Well-Known Member

    I have a real social problem that I can't quite figure out how to deal with... A lot of it stems from that fact that I have been a loner for my whole life. I've been suffering from Depression for an awful long long time...extending way back into the very youngest childhood I can remember when kids would make fun of me. But back then I could easily mask it as I had a fire within me to succeed in life. Spite is one of the biggest things that drove me, and I still struggle with it today. But when I went to college, people systematically decompiled every bit of self confidence I had in those 4 years. I gave them the opportunity because I did stupid things. And since then its been a down hill for me..I don't like people coming close to me unless they are a part of my family because I know that once they come close, they are going to do what others did before i.e. use me and then make fun of me after they know my past. I have fallen into bad company in past and trust its one of the worst things that can happen to people like us. So I look for enemies among strangers before they ever have a chance to even meet me. I hate them before they hate me, so to speak. Most people think I'm an arrogant prick but I don't give a fuck because I know what they will do if I try to be friendly. As a result of this, I'm not even sure what a real friendship is like. I don't care either because I haven't had one since I was a really little kid. I've blocked all these type of silly emotions. One of the things I learned a while back is not to expect anything from anyone, ever. No offense, but some of the kids out there are real bastards and motherfuckers to the core who deserve nothing better than being lynched everyday; I will never forgive the assholes who were saying shit to me just because I was introverted or because I was sort of a mediocre student who was trying his level best to succeed. They just can't tolerate others having any success at all. When you go through life as we seem to, with nobody to turn to but ourselves, expecting help or kindness or even aknowledgement seems to be counterproductive.Self sufficiency may suck, but it has its good points as well. Now, I do what I do and to hell what other people think. Love me, hate me, ignore me or whatever. I don't need them, and thats good enough for me. And add to that every single person from my generation I have known was cunning, sly, jealous, hateful , selfish and egotistical except a few may be..Large number of people from old generation seem to be nice folks though...May be this is my personality problem but this really is the truth. All of them are really like this. Its a dog eat dog world. No compassion, no feelings nothing. Even Im like this probably because these qualities are ingrained in the DNA of every human being.

    Right now, Im not thinking of being a business man because for a business man you need lots of money to start the business in the first place. And yeah, I do want to start some business in future maybe after 10 years. It will definetely have something to do with Computer Hardware/Software. My immediate goal is to get a masters degree and then work as a software engineer in some company.

    do you know what could be the factors towards these kind of attitude? I think it is extremely important for you to find why they behave the way they do..

    I want to attend the Graduate school for masters in Computer science program.

    I was born into Buddhism but I dislike all religions [No offense if you are religious].Religion is foolish, illogical & inhibits you from thinking for yourself. When I go to a temple or any religious place, the atmosphere disgusts me. All these people pretending to be good inside the temple, church etc acting like pure scum outside. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out the vile nature of most religions. Some of these religious books are worse than Mein Kamph. But yes, there are some good things and truth in all religions which I try to follow in my life.

    As far as belief in god is concerned, yes I believe. But there is a certain degree of skepticism [mood swings] as well because the lack of evidence of God's existence based on the 5 senses is something that is consistent in everyone save a few (people claiming to have experienced God, near death experiences, etc). I also sometimes find it funny that a lot of people are ready to kill in the name of something that they haven't even seen. What will these people feel when some one actually proves that God doesn't exist ?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2007
  15. Perishable

    Perishable Well-Known Member

    None taken. Most of society is this way, so selfish and disgusting; materialistic if anything. I understand why you wouldn't want to socialize with that statistic. It would be like asking for more torture, more stress to fuel the long fire that the depression has be feeding off of. I guess it really depends on what type of person you are. I am extremely independant. Although, having someone to confide in/with helps maintain my emotions to more of a sanitable level. Being backstabbed, lied to, used, and mistreated is nothing I'm looking for. So, I can see to play on the safe side of those maladies, you choose to not even chance the predicament at all.
    Which is smart in a sense.

    I'm feel for you. So many things have occurred to where you feel 'numb'.
    Having no feeling at all, no care for others. Just mainly focusing on your goals, it's what everyone else does right? So why can't you?
    I want to be a Graphic Designer/Web designer.
    (After I'm going to pursue a career in the medical field.) I find it interesting that we have the whole 'computers' lifestyle at choice. Unless you have decided that amoung others for another purpose besides your own liking.

    I have come across this thought believe it or not. My mother told me I have messed up my life. (Being only 17, this is impossible). She wants me to listen to her like a mindless drone inorder to avoid the situation of embarrising her. So that she does not look like a bad parent toward her family. So she is not belittle. Society is Selfish. Even my mother. Being used for her good and my manipulation. Sound familiar?

    Me? Religious? Naw. I use to be Catholic. Then I was removed from those beliefs into Christianity. But as soon as I developed a brain seperate from those who 'told' me what to believe, I find that not being dedicated into believing one single opinion of a person, would be situatable. There are many things I agree with from what I learned from those two religions. But there are also things I disagree with strongly. To be a true 'believer' in a certain religion you must comply with all the 'rules'. This did not make sense to me.
    In addition, how could people go to Divine areas of worship and think by going to them that they are redeemed of the sins they are willingly going to commit as soon as they leave? Disgusting! Most of them are as backstabbing as they are said not to be. I mean, no diss on those who are 'true' to themselves and their religions beliefs. I accept that. I understand. Everyone has a right to an opinion. Why? Well everyone has a brain that only they can use.

    They might become manic in disbelief and be in denial until their death. Or something? :dry:
     
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