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Fucking useless.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnWords, Mar 8, 2018.

  1. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    I should have been able to fix my issues by now or at the very least handle them better. But I can't do either or. I've been saying that I want certain things to change for many years and have nothing to show for it. I don't want to die, at least not at this particular time, but I don't want to exist either because all I do is hurt people that I neither want nor mean to hurt. That doesn't even make sense because I have to either exist or die. Yet another thing that makes no sense to add on to the list I guess. I just wish I'd stop doing, feeling, thinking, and wanting the wrong things.
     
  2. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    I get a lot of this. Sorry you're feeling trapped and spinning your tires.
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  3. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Dear Asphyxiate, I don’t know all there is to know but I do know you are being very hard on yourself. If life made sense it would be boring and repetitive. Sadly anxiety, depression whatever - gives us ups and downs and these occur not daily but sometimes over a nano second for no apparent reason or trigger. Words cannot say how glad I am that you dint want to die and to me this means that somewhere in your heart and mind there’s something worth living and fighting for. I run or walk my dogs when I get like this - as long as I’m sober recently !! - but the sheer exhaustion seems to make me feel lighter. I’m sending you daily hugs in the hope that your strength and self belief grows .... xx
     
  4. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle SF Supporter

    I hear you and understand.
    Bringing about change can be terrifying, even if you know it's what you need to be doing. Sometimes it's easier to do nothing or even do the opposite of what you need to do because living in this hell is what we know and feel comfortable with.
     
  5. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

    Well I’m glad you exist :cool: Don’t die, please.
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there, I am glad you are here and reaching out. Glad to hear you say you don't want to die. I am glad you are here and others are too, life can be a bitch at times, been to hell and back but you can get through this. :)
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  7. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    I can't keep making excuses for everything. I just have to suck it the fuck up and acknowledge that yes, I've hurt people and yes, I should have probably done a better job of dealing with my crap. And yet, I didn't, and there isn't shit I can do about that now. But I can still do something to prevent it in the future. And the more I wallow in self-pity and think about what I could've done better, the more it will hinder me from making any sort of progress in the future. And I can't have that anymore. Not now. So I'm stopping that cycle today. I've done a spectacular job of deluding myself that I'm weak because of the issues I have.

    When I fuck up, I try to justify it to myself: "Well, it's expected because I have this, this, and this." But even so, I still end up feeling guilty. And that guilty feeling is healthy. It's my brain telling me, "You're doing something fucked up and you need to change it." But instead of taking that guilt and using it for the right reasons, I turn it into shame, and that's where the self-pity comes in until I'm at the point where I feel like such a fuck up that I truly end up believing I can't change shit and it's always going to be this way. So I'm done being ashamed, and done with the pity. I've fucked up...a lot. But that's not a good enough excuse to keep doing it. I can be better than that. And I have to be, especially now.
     
    Lulabelle likes this.
  8. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I don't think you're useless and I doubt you hurt people all the time. It can be difficult when you have issues to deal with, but don't beat yourself up because of that. Just keep dealing with things as best you can. The fact that you want things to change is a step in the right direction. Keep working towards your goals, and don't let anything or anyone get you down. I can relate to the feeling of wanting to not exist yet not wanting to die. Sometimes you just want everything to stop. We're here for you, to support you through it all, and to lift you up and give you strength when you need it.
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.
  9. Lulabelle

    Lulabelle SF Supporter

    THIS IS FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!

    You're awesome!
     
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  10. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords Eρεβος/Νύξ

    You're pretty damn awesome yourself, Lu. Your strength and courage inspires me, and many others, I'm sure. If you ever need to talk, just know that I'm here.
     
    Lulabelle likes this.
  11. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Show
    Please show me someone who has never fucked up - we all have. We worked and responded to what we had at the time. You're awesome - make that your mantra please. You seriously are a special person xxx
     
    AsphyxiateOnWords likes this.