I can't keep making excuses for everything. I just have to suck it the fuck up and acknowledge that yes, I've hurt people and yes, I should have probably done a better job of dealing with my crap. And yet, I didn't, and there isn't shit I can do about that now. But I can still do something to prevent it in the future. And the more I wallow in self-pity and think about what I could've done better, the more it will hinder me from making any sort of progress in the future. And I can't have that anymore. Not now. So I'm stopping that cycle today. I've done a spectacular job of deluding myself that I'm weak because of the issues I have.
When I fuck up, I try to justify it to myself: "Well, it's expected because I have this, this, and this." But even so, I still end up feeling guilty. And that guilty feeling is healthy. It's my brain telling me, "You're doing something fucked up and you need to change it." But instead of taking that guilt and using it for the right reasons, I turn it into shame, and that's where the self-pity comes in until I'm at the point where I feel like such a fuck up that I truly end up believing I can't change shit and it's always going to be this way. So I'm done being ashamed, and done with the pity. I've fucked up...a lot. But that's not a good enough excuse to keep doing it. I can be better than that. And I have to be, especially now.