full of fear....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pegasusmyth, Jul 3, 2007.

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  1. pegasusmyth

    pegasusmyth Active Member

    Opening up is definitely not easy to do. Reaching out to others seems impossible. Has anyone ever had premonitions of what was going to happen to them,dreams and images in your mind.I have since I was a child. I have come to realize recently that I have always been in some form of abusive environment,but because of all the mind twisting games my family(in the past) and my current "roommate" use with me I can't tell anyone what is happening to me.I only know that I am being hurt again.Sometimes things are fine for days even weeks,but he is always angry or ready to be so.Last Christmas Eve he said something I've waited 13 years for confirmation of.He said "from the moment I saw that thing inside you I knew you were going to hurt me so I decided to close my heart to you and hurt you before you could hurt me." I can do something when someone physically touches me, sometimes ;but even then all I might be able to do is run.But I don't know how to fight words or intent. I don't know how to speak of things that I only feel the effects of ..Words can hurt so bad sometimes that I feel physical pain but could not say what words were even used.My last psychologist had me pick out a gold cross necklace which he bought for me then secured it around my neck and warned me that it was for my "protection" and to never take it off. I spent the next 5 years leaving his office with little to no memory of sessions and more frequently then not he would say things that hurt so bad and I could not even understand what he said even if I did hear the words.He would take me during my sessions to do errands he didn't have time for otherwise.He told me that being forced to do sexual acts against my will was not wrong,I just needed to accept my sexuality as it was. Every where I have turned for help it seems as if I just keep getting people who would rather hurt me than help me. If abuse comes from family,friends,and even public and private authorities, where is it safe to turn? I have not interacted with very many people in my life and have spent the last 13 only interacting with one person really, my "roommate".I keep freaking out every time I get near someone I might ask for help from,Ive tried calling someone.I am so terrified of asking the wrong person or for the wrong thing or ...I really don't know what I am afraid of other than people period. I feel like I am an alien on this planet,I can't imagine how to talk to anyone ,what it is like to have a friend ,I am disabled and unable to work so I can't imagine the freedom of that,I can't even leave my yard.I really do wonder if I am human.I know what my dreams have been and the images I've been getting; my roommate is becoming more hairtrigger explosive with everything, all I keep getting images of is him breaking my bones and beating me to almost death. I don't know if it will actually happen,when I get dreams and images something always happens though not always as I have seen it. But it is getting more and more difficult.He has lost patience with me and I have become so fearful of his anger that I am incapable of doing anything at all.I can't get the dishes done,the house cleaned,he does all the cooking.I have become a burden to him and he keeps warning me.I don''t know if he is even aware of how he makes me afraid of him,but then he'll be drunk or stoned and say things like he did at christmas or things like he would have no problem making me believe that he cared for me and all along be working to destroy me and he said he would love to do it too.When he is as kind as right now I wonder if I am just a lunatic like he says.I am afraid of help because I don't know what it is anymore.Will another Dr. hurt me,am I really being hurt,can anyone understand how terrifying it is for me to even think about let alone actually reaching out to another person. The only people I have ever knowen who never hurt me were powerless to help me. How can I know that someone won't hurt me.I recognize so little because I've never had the interactions with people . My license expired years ago and I haven't been allowed to renew it, I don't have enough money to go anywhere,and I have this problem with my legs,they keep going out from under me and won't hold me up.It happens occasionally and without warning and leaves me unable to walk for hours or even days.I sometimes have tried to take walks alone but have had my legs start to go that I fear even trying to just walk away.If my legs go I am helpless on the street and alone.I don't believe I can reach out again or accept help.I am just to afraid of people.I know that if I can't reach out that there is none who is going to bother reaching in.So really there is no help.I keep looking for an excuse to live as I wait for the energy to attempt again to die.I try to convince myself that there are people out there who are kind and good,that there is help ,that it can find me.But that is a lie.Help can come only to those capable of helping themselves.I do not know if I am worthy,or valuable enough to help.I am sorry.I don't really know if anyone even really does care.I am so tired of having problems of being a problem.
     
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