full on

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Andy73, Sep 29, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Andy73

    Andy73 Active Member

    On Thursday May the 1st 2008 I did a major suicide attempt where I drank something poisonous(poisonA) which put me in the ICU at my local public hospital where I had to go on a dialysis machine to filter my blood and the hospital was giving me 40ml of vodka every hour before they started the dialysis to keep me alive and the hospital knew I was known to self harm and attempt suicide but this one was a serious attempt of suicide as I wasn’t concisely aware or awake until they were preparing me to go onto dialysis in the early hours of the morning and I was getting sick of them giving me needles as they must of been giving me needles every 5 minutes like I was just a pin cohesion as they were digging for main arteries but the worst part was when they operated on my groin to put a large tube in there to circulate and filter my blood and I freaked out since I was naked and I woke up to a doctor performing an operation that was very close to my gentiles but since I freaked out they covered my private up as all sorts of thoughts went through my mind at what they may be doing down there and I didn’t feel them putting the tube into my groin as they numbed that area but it took hours before they put me on the dialysis machine as they had to find a machine that worked and they had me on dialysis and filtering my blood from 4am till about 11 am so I didn’t get much sleep that time in the ICU ward and that same morning a mental health worker came around telling me I had spoken to her that night I came into emergency and I must of but I don’t remember as I was out of it and she told me that I told her about being sexually abused in my child hood and that I told her about my sexuality identity confusion and about a friend who was abusing me sexually and about this friend would not leave me alone even after I told him I didn’t want to ever see him again and that he found out where I lived and was harassing me over the phone wanting me to see him and that he still wanted more than just a friendship out of me and she was very nice to talk to as she told me it’s alright any way I go with my sexual orientation as that wouldn’t change my personality and who I was as a person but I didn’t want to be gay as I felt more feelings and attraction for Wemen and that I felt it was unnatural for me to be gay and I was told I could take out a domestic violence restraining order out on him but I felt too ashamed and embarrassed to do such a thing like that and that I should go see a gay relationships counsellor and a emotional counsellor but them things never happened and I told her I never want to have sex or even masturbate ever again after what this friend did to me and that afternoon they took the tube out of my groin and that hurt and I was in allot of pain and screaming in pain when they pulled the tube out of my groin and all I remember before going to the hospital was allot of police officers and ambulance officers around me at my place and me saying to them as an excuse was I just wanting to put the brakes on me life and that afternoon after the dialysis was over they sent me to the surgical ward of the hospital near where I was when I did another serious suicide attempt in June 2007 where I took a major overdose of all my medications and I had surgery on my butt to remove dead flesh and skin as I had been laying unconscious In my car for 3 days before anyone found me and that left a compression sore as they told me which had to be removed and stitched up by the surgeons and this friend knew I was in hospital and came to visit me and as we were talking I saw that he was about to kiss me and he was going to touch me and I quickly turned my head and told him to get away from me and he got angry but I knew he couldn’t do anything while I was in hospital as there was to many nurses and witnesses around and when I was let out of hospital I went into some sort of shock and were having bad panic attacks but I got cased managed at mental health who was very supportive and got me referred to a sexual assault and abuse counsellor plus I got 2 days rest in hospital a month which help me allot plus my girlfriend I have now help me regain my sexual drive and desire as she taught me sex is not all that bad and unsafe but And with the suicide and self harm attempts I think I liked recreating trauma for myself and are a way of coping with my hurts and pain but they are slowly getting lesser and fewer as the intervals of self harm and suicide are getting longer and myself harming ideas have lessened also as I was compulsive and obsessed with self harming any where I went I self harmed but that has decreased since I’m out of the bad relationship I had with my friend interfering with me my other major serious attempts of suicide were around Christmas 2008 where I drank something poisonous(poisonB) and they gave me vodka in hospital and lucky I got out of going on to a dialysis machine as I was starting to get frighten since the doctors were talking about it and in Easter 2009 where I drank something poisonous(poisonC) by putting the poison in my alcohol drinks and that type of poisoning thins blood out and they told me that I might bleed internally so they kept me in hospital for 3 days until I did the bolt as I was medically cleared and mental health was taking ages to release me as It’s a form of re-creation of the original traumas I had suffered and to punish myself from feeling bad and terrible about myself yet I don’t want to really die but sometime I feel things get way too overwhelming and confusing for me that I have no other options left and I know I cannot keep doing these attempts as the next time I may not be so lucky and die and as I get older my resistance seems to be getting lesser but I still have thoughts of carrying out another serious suicide attempt on my life and I have though up some plans which my counsellor and a mental health worker is aware of but them thoughts are only that thoughts until I get really down and depressed or I feel allot of anxiety or some hurt feeling then I start thinking of doing suicide attempts or self harming behaviour and even though in times of distress and I have feelings to either self harm or attempt suicide I know I can use some 24 hours help lines or ring other supports up but when I am feeling really low at them times I don't like to talk to anyone or discuss the way I’m feeling or even picking up a phone since I think it's too late and who really cares and why bother and than by that time I have already self harmed or at worse I have attempted suicide of some kind and 9 times out of 10 I end up at hospital having to discuss why I had done the suicide attempt or why I self harmed so I should talk about it before I act on them suicidal ideations.
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi Andy, I'm glad to see you continue to post here. How are you doing? :)
     
  3. chloe123

    chloe123 Account Closed

    we all here care for u here and i love u to much to lose u now:love:
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.