Funerals are really expensive. Much more expensive than they should be. It shouldn't cost money to die. Thousands and thousands of euros. Ridiculous money. I'd hate to put that burden on my family. I think of my fat body in a coffin, I don't like the idea of people manoevering my torpid bloated corpse and commenting to each other about what a whopper I am.So it will never happen, while I am able to think like this. I fantasise frequently about going to a hotel and ending it all in a particular way, but am held back from enacting it by the thought of leaving my body behind for other people to deal with. It seems wrong. Very occasionally I get a frame of mind where I start to think that I do not care about this aspect of things and it is then that I know I have some real problems, its happened recently and has inspired my current experimentation with meds, which is something I have been very reluctant to do. In spite constantly returning to the conclusion that I would really love to kill myself, my survival instinct is stronger. So far anyway.