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Discussion in 'After Effects' started by plates, Nov 4, 2010.

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  1. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    do you plan your funeral, think about it a lot- prepare loads, before you attempt? i've not attempted for years but i've been close to it many times over the last two years. do you think about funerals before you attempt or do you hope you will survive and your attempt means there's a strong possibility of survival? i've been close to attempting recently and it's all very solid, meaning- i prepare for the end full stop and no possibility of me coming back.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2010
  2. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Generally i am fairly impulsive, i don't set dates or plan. At the moment, i just want out. But like you, if i am going to do it... i am going to do it, it will not be a just an attempt, i would succeed.

    I don't care about the funeral. The only thing i have thought about is setting up a will so my brother gets my house.
  3. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thanks for your reply. i used to be impulsive like yourself, and my attempts would be because of voices but not now. even if i plan thoroughly and try- there would be a chance of survival and possible irreversible damage.

    i have a big issue with funerals. i hate them. i hate what life and my struggle to live will end up- nothing, absolutely nothing. it'd be easier for me not to hate them and just go ahead. i care too much about how my life will be pissed upon by people around (and i've had this a lot while on the lowest rung of anorexia for many yrs) i don't have anyone remotely supportive ('cept for my therapist) or any "loved ones" to talk of.

    it would be much easier if i was just cutting and how i was before. right now i've been through this so many times, nobody gives a flying fuck about an attempt or any suffering because i've been told i'm a victim of my success in managing things so well.

    self harm is a good compromise but i'm having difficulty even doing that because i see no point and i don't think it'd give me relief. if i had relief it'd be great. right now i feel consumed with urges that could get worse as the hours go on. i used to be severe, compulsive SI'er, right now all i want to do is cut loads and loads..but i don't know where that would lead to.

    it'd be much easier if i was impulsive like i was. sorry for going on i just need to get this out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 4, 2010
  4. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Well, i think that any reason you've got to hold on, is a good one... even though you might not be able to see it that way right now. It gives opportunity for change.

    I'm not sure what to say about the SI. It's how i've been coping lately, but at the end of the day it doesn't really achieve all that much and can lead to something a lot more dangerous.

    Have you discussed some healthy coping techniques/strategies with your therapist?

    Also, no need to apologise.
  5. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thank you for listening: i'm changing all the time but i fight/manage death frequently and often i'm about to do it well, get it over with for good- and i don't care about funerals and other people then.

    i've got/have and use all the healthy coping strategies. i don't do anything to harm myself, i just battle death full stop and approach emergency services even though they often harm me more in the process.

    maybe SI isn't that useful for you anymore and is something you do without thinking because you're used to it? i found when i tried last year it didn't have the same effect.
  6. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    It's helpful, but only for the moment, it's not realy achieving anything in the long term. I guess at the time i am just focussed on doing whatever i can to make it through the moment rather then thinking about whether it's the right or wrong thing to do.

    I know what you mean though, it's an ongoing battle. I guess i am a bit lucky in that i get a break from it once in a while in the form of hypomania.

    Do you use the crisis lines?

    I only went to the hospital once and never again. Worst experience everrrr!
  7. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    were you an inpatient or did they assess you and let you go? i know what you mean. i've often said i'd rather die than be an inpatient.

    i understand what you're saying about the SI. it's in the moment, i do that with writing instead of SI'ing now.

    i used a samaritan crisis line a month or so back, it was alright i suppose. better than the hospital/ A+E and CRT staff. still felt like i was talking to people who couldn't care less but she did her best to pretend to listen..
  8. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I waited for 4 hours before anyone saw me and that was even when i nearly passed out and they wouldn't give me any water because 'they wern't sure the doctors would want that'....what the fuck, it's water?!

    Anyway, by the time i saw someone i was completely exhausted and just wanted to go home. THe doctor i saw was about 5 years old, spoke to me for 5 minutes and then said he needed to discuss the situation with his supervisor. He came back an hour later and said would i be ok to go home? :laugh:

    They gave me a sedative and a dose of my anti depressant (at this point i was swapping meds and was weening off one) obviously not being medicated was too much.

    Anyway so they sent me home and i just crashed into bed. So it was effective in me not killing myself because i was utterly exhausted by the whole process hah. So fucked up.

    Since then i've been giving antipsychotics which i take when i feel i am a danger to myself. Knocks me out and then when i wake up for the most part i feel more in control. There is also a crisis team who will come out to your house but i've never used it, i don't imagine they'd be all that quick to get there anyway.

    Writing is a great idea! i should try that. Not sure i'd be able to capture what's in my head though. Would make for some pretty intence stories though.

    Maybe give the crisis line another chance next time? You might get someone better.

    Sorry i don't really have any suggestions for you. It's still something i am trying to find balance in.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    your story sounds familiar, i'm sorry you had to go through that bullshit- and what you say about being so exhausted by the whole process it stopped an attempt is something i know too well, the whole ORDEAL is enough to drain anyone. your description of the doctor being 5 yrs old is so spot on, thank you for sharing. you sound like you've got a way of self medicating too which is useful, i use alcohol in the same way you use antipsychotics to stop myself doing anything.

    yeah the things i write when i want to SI or die are pretty intense, violent, brutal. or i just talk, say what i need to say, it's all pretty violent.

    thank you, just talking to you was enough for the past hour in managing for while, you've been loads of help don't worry :hug:
  10. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Yes, the mental health system really saddens me. I wish i had money where i could build facilities all over the world. With people who actually had some concept of what it's like. I felt like a fucking leper in the waiting room. It's like, well you don't have any broken bones, you are not bleeding or hurt...why are you here? And to ask me in front of the whole room what my methods were and had i attempted previously and all that....just completely innapropriate :sigh:

    Generally sleeping pills are my drug of choice, but i was starting to develop a bit of a dependance on them to get through the day, so i nipped it in the bud and told my therapist. So now i have to tell my psychiatrist what i've been doing, which scares me because he's not going to prescribe me more pills, but on the positive side it's going to force me to learn to deal with this in a healthier way.

    Can i ask. The violence and brutality, is it aimed towards other or yourself? I'll expand my reasoning if you care to discuss it further.

    Glad i could help a little :hug: I am around a lot so if you ever need some support, shoot me a PM.
  11. sinnssykdom

    sinnssykdom Banned Member

    I do plan my attempts but not my funeral because i don't want one. Simple as that. I'm not even a religious person to begin with so why would i want a funeral? or anything along the lines of that. When i die i just want people to forget about it and know that nothing they could have done could have stopped it.

    Domo, i totally understand the whole hospital scenario.

    About a year ago i checked myself in and it was the most awkward thing ever. Not to mention sitting there in the waiting room (mind you it wasn't that busy thankfully but still) with people who had broken bones and other obvious issues meanwhile i'm there who appears to be perfectly fine. Once you get in it's not too bad but checking in and so on is just really fucking awkward and embarrassing. I also agree that the questioning should be done more privately. I mean it's not like your going to see the people in the waiting room and in the ER again but still it's hard enough and a big enough step checking yourself in they should treat you with more respect IMO. Also about the doctor... i got seen by two doctors... one was questioning me and asking psychiatric questions (attempts, methods, reasoning etc) the second and main one spoke with me for less than 5 minutes.... all he said basically was that i was staying(how fucking generous of you by that time i was also fed up and sick of place and wanted to leave).

    I've used an online chat service that my province offers but honestly the people there are like talking to a wall. They mainly just repeat everything you say except they might add 'i see you feel..[insert what i previously said to them]' and different variants of that.

    I tried calling a phone hotline several times but only actually got through once and when the person started talking i hung up.
  12. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Well pretty much everyone in my family is gonna be cremated, but of course you can always have a 'service' for them or what ever. But I think it'd be a bit pointless for me. Like what the hell would they said? They'd just be standing there awkwardly waiting for the time to pass. Then everyone would be on their merry way. Plus it's not like there would be much left of me besides skin and bones if they were to take all my re-usable organs. Wouldn't be burning much :|

    Just as a joke I should have in my will that I want my urn of ashes strapped to a hydrogen bomb and have it detonated. Lol.

  13. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    domo- i know what you mean, i've gone through the same thing with lack of confidentiality/privacy yrs back but right now that isn't an issue as i'm pretty vocal about letting people know and i dont' care who hears me. i don't think it's only money but fundamental lack of training and education. i've talked to managers and a ton of people in the MH service over the last year or so and the results are pretty disgusting and says a lot about what goes on- a lot of corruption a lot of covering backs and most of all- a lot of exploiting /getting away with murder/ ton of mistreatment and neglect because people using the service are either too unwell, apathetic or frightened to challenge anything.

    i know i go nuts when people do nothing but mirror back, it's like talking to fucking robots who have no idea about empathy and sincerity and that y'know maybe the person on the other end is going to feel frustrated talking to someone who is a broken record.

    from what you say, it's just like that, people who would be going through motions.

    i think what i meant by funerals was what people who are alive do to people who have died. the rituals involved and the people involved. a tub of ashes or stone in the ground and any kind of service (and there would be one in every case i think, however small/short- but mainly i'm talking about rituals- the people dealing with dead bodies, rather than ceremonies as such) which would completely not listen to what the suicidal person was suffering /saying trying to do with their death, combined with the few people who know me and their reactions. i didn't mean the service as such, just the waste of life that my suicide would be and one that is a long term battle against.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 5, 2010
  14. daviddwillson

    daviddwillson New Member

    were you an inpatient or did they assess you and let you go? i know what you mean. i've often said i'd rather die than be an inpatient.

    i understand what you're saying about the SI. it's in the moment, i do that with writing instead of SI'ing now.

    i used a samaritan crisis line a month or so back, it was alright i suppose. better than the hospital/ A+E and CRT staff. still felt like i was talking to people who couldn't care less but she did her best to pretend to listen..
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I have written in my legal will (which is kept on file in an attorney's office) that I am to be creamated. no funeral. Ashes scattered by anyone who would be willing to do that, at the lake or mountain near where I live.

    I always have, on my chest of drawers in my bedroom, a sheet of paper with instructions, seperate from the instructions in my will. It explains why I am grateful to be gone. And how difficult it was to be alive. I wrote some personal requests for people to call and thank etc. It always is in the same place, in my bedroom, along with a copy of the will.

    As for the issue of hospitals, I would go to great lengths to avoid going to a hospital for mental health issues, or any other issues, for that matter. But I have great respect for people who do go. I called help lines once and did find amazing help when I needed support filing for disability. I called united way and they referred me to an awesome group with a woman who supported me through the process. My therapist didnt want to get her hands dirty helping. But this woman was awesome. She even went with me when I had to go before the judge to appeal my claim. She silently cried through it.
    (guess that was off topic, sort of)
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2010
  16. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this, flowers.
  17. PiecesMended

    PiecesMended Well-Known Member

    Well I'm terrified of fire and I also have an irrational fear of being buried alive. I don't know what my family would do... I would proberbly have a small service some time after my death like my late grandfather because I want to donate my body to medical science like he did as soon as I turn 18, but I don't think they'd accept suicides so maybe it could be a turn off for me?! :biggrin:
  18. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    Well, if rituals involving how the living treat suicides is a turn off for me, and your wish to keep your body intact/well for medical science is for you (completely opposite to how I feel tho'!), then I think we're both thinking very rationally about all this! I hope you're alive well after 18 PiecesMended :hug:
  19. PiecesMended

    PiecesMended Well-Known Member

    :hug: thank you plates! That means alot :biggrin:
  20. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    that's good to hear :smile:
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