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Funny Comedian Quotes

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I have one particular DVD which hasn't left my DVD player for a long while because I love it so much. It is one of Lee Evans' tours. I find some of his 'gags' to be incredibly funny and I thought I'd scan the net and share some with you.

Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"

I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!

We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot! "Okay, so you go straight ahead, turn left, turn right, go around the roundabout..."
[walks around in a circle]
"Okay, then where?"
[still walking around in a circle]
"Hang on I missed the turning..."

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"

I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"

[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*

I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like "Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-?" "WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY FUCKING SAID!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like "Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does tuesday feel?
They're like "It's half past five but it only feels like twelve," fucking hell, do they people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?

What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some blokes covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in they're like that "Grrr, GAAAH FUCKING"
[imitates chopping motions]

Soon as you walk in they're like "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" ... "Grrr, GAAH FUCKING" [imitates chopping motions]

You ever seen them unloading the delivery van - the freezer lorry - they get out a side of cow. Where's the *other* side? Is there like a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing? And the frozen pigs, they're always in that position, have you noticed?
[imitates position]

They're like frozen goalkeepers! They killed it just as it was about to save the ball!

I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"

[talking about people on compensation adverts] Then there's that woman, you know, "I was on my way to work when I slipped over accidentally on purpose!"

Then your wife or girlfriend would come up with mad suggestions like, "Lets have a bath together, it'll be just like the films". But it ain't innit. Because women like to have their bath water so fucking hot.
No! Have you seen a woman get out of the bath? they're red up to here! it's like they're wearing a low cut fucking scald!
Even a lobster would go "FUCK THAT"!

Car theives operate in this area, Where else would they operate? The number of times I've been driving through the country and theres a coupla car theives in a field like 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anythin about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a policeman ran over and said, 'E's mugging you, e' is! 'E's running away wit all your monay!"

[while talking about a romantic dinner with candles]
Switch the light on love, i'm not Charles Fucking Dickens!

[about airports] You have to check in two hours before you go anywhere now, and you're always late for the checkin, you know you kind of drive to the airport 100mph, you checkin and the airport staff go "it's all right, you got aaages yet! Sit down!" "*puffing and panting* Okay!" And you're always checking, you know: "Have you called it yet?" "Nooooooo! Mr Panicky Poo! Sit dooooown!"

You ever seen a woman power walking? It's like they're taking an iron back to Debanhams!

Before a football match, one of the players are always asked, "So what do you hope will happen tonight?"
"Well I'm just gonna try and score really.." - Well yes...

The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"

Getting lost is the worst thing in the world, especially if you're with your wife. That's the nightmare. If you get lost with your wife you know it's gonna be a nightmare. Because you know when you hand your wife the map and you except her to turn into the Lombard rally with the helmet and goggles going, "Go! Go! Go! Left, right, straight ahead!" But they don't, you hand your wife the map and she'll go, "Where are we now?" "That's why I gave you the fucking map!" "All right, all right! You got us lost! Christopher fucking Columbus!" They then go, "Oh look, they have a Woolworths!"

Looooooool i love Lee Evans!! He's a funny bloke! i've got all his dvd's and i've seen them a billion times :shy: hehe, thanks for the post Res put a big smile on my face :biggrin:
i thought that i would add some of my own from Dane Cook lol

“Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'”

“[An example: People want to be remembered for great things, such as contributing to humanity, he says. Not him.] I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.”

It was Peace. Peace is when you would shake the hands of the people around you. And you knew peace was coming because the priest would say it five times rapid fire. He'd go, "My peace I leave, my peace I give to you. While we ate Reese's Pieces with the Lord. And I have a piece of lint in my peaceful EYE!"

I just want to run up and slap my dad's ass and run off screaming, "I'm your son from the future.! Ahh! I'm your son. From the future!"

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? NO SENSI! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes

... I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat .... unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead ...

I have always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV I'd always say, "Why not me?"

When you're not in love, when you don't have love, everybody you know falls in love on like the same day - even Karen the douche bag falls in love! Even retarded people in your neighborhood are getting married on their front lawn as you drive by, "What? The 'tards just got married on their lawn. That's great! I have nobody, and the 'tards just committed to each other for a lifetime of 'tardiness''

Three weeks ago one of my dreams came true. I finally got to see something I always wanted to witness live. I finally saw someone get hit by a car... Nailed!

i love dane cook :smile: :cool:
Here's a couple guys that are good in my book.

Bill Hicks

I'm so sick of arming the world and then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, you know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheep herder's feet: "Pick it up." "I don't wanna pick it up mister, you'll shoot me." "Pick up the gun." "Mister, I don't want no trouble, huh. I just came down town here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about 10 rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, mister." "Pick up the gun." Boom, boom. "You all saw him. He had a gun."
* I love the movies, love 'em. Now, I'm watching Terminator 2 the other day, and I'm thinking to myself: They cannot top the stunts in this film, they cannot top this shit, unless … they start using terminally ill people as stunt people in feature films … well, hear me out, 'cause I know to a lot of you this may seem a little cruel. "Aww, Bill, terminally ill stunt people? That's cruel!" You know what I think's cruel? Leaving your loved ones to die in a hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em in the movies! What, you wanna let your grandmother live out her last days in a sterile hospital room, with translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris?
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know.
People come up to me and say, "What's wrong?" "Nothing." "Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile." "Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?"
To my delight, I find that there is a different warning on each pack of cigarettes. Mine says: "Warning: Smoking can cause fetal damage or premature birth." Fuck it – I've found my brand! "Yeah, give me a carton of Low Birth Weights." Just don't get the ones that say lung cancer, you know? Shop around. It is your body.
I was over in Australia, and everyone's like: "Are you proud to be an American?" And I was like, "Um, I don't know, I didn't have a lot to do with it. You know, my parents fucked there, that's about all."

I was in Fyffe, Alabama last year. After the show, I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm eating, I'm alone and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me:

"Hey, what you readin' for?"

Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading … for.

"Well, God damn it, you stumped me. Why do I read? Hm … I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is … so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress."

But then, this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes:

"Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader."

"What the fuck's going on here? It's not like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit, God damn it. It's a book!"
Dave Attell

"Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving and I call those people 'the cops,' But you know, sometimes you've just got no choice, those kids gotta get to school."
"You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?"
You see a man with one leg, he's got a story to tell. 'Land mine, '69.' You see a man with one arm, he's got a story also. 'Snowblower, bottle of whisky.' You see a man with one tooth, what's his story? 'Well, I like a lot of taffy.
I hear it all the time: Dave, how do you know you're not gay? And I say listen, voice in my head...
They say chicken and fish are good for you. I think we should combine the two: penguin.
OMG! I love this thread :biggrin:
I'm gonna contribute some quotes from Dinnerladies, because Victoria Wood wrote and starred in it, and she is just class :biggrin:
"He might be in the back of the van, disguised as a teacake!"
"Has anyone else here had too much sex and forgotten how to work a frying pan?"
"Well she can't say no to that, can she?...That's Frank Sinatra on toast, is that!"
"Are you not pregnant?"
"Well, not unless sperm can get through a sash window."
"I come through that doorway with all SORTS of people."
"Oh, I see what you're saying, you haven't been physically intimate with all of them."
"I haven't been physically intimate with ANY of them! Well, one of them. No, two of them! Whoopee!"
"I didn't just come up the Manchester ship canal on a Ryvita, you know."
"Don't tell me, you came up the A65 on a J-cloth?"
"You don't want a tree covered in genitalia!"
"...there's the ghost of Christmas future, and he's like Death, and he's in a cloak, and he's carrying one of those things you cut grass with..."
"A lawnmower?"
"If you're talking about Barry, I've broken it off."
"No! How did you explain THAT in Casualty?"
"It was leering. It was like a little woolly pervert."
"Nobody's ordered an old lady, have they? No one's ticked the wrong box in the Help the Aged catalogue?"
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