I have one particular DVD which hasn't left my DVD player for a long while because I love it so much. It is one of Lee Evans' tours. I find some of his 'gags' to be incredibly funny and I thought I'd scan the net and share some with you.
Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"
I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!
We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot! "Okay, so you go straight ahead, turn left, turn right, go around the roundabout..."
[walks around in a circle]
"Okay, then where?"
[still walking around in a circle]
"Hang on I missed the turning..."
You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"
I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"
[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*
I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like "Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-?" "WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY FUCKING SAID!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like "Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does tuesday feel?
[laughs]
They're like "It's half past five but it only feels like twelve," fucking hell, do they people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?
What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some blokes covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in they're like that "Grrr, GAAAH FUCKING"
[imitates chopping motions]
Soon as you walk in they're like "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" ... "Grrr, GAAH FUCKING" [imitates chopping motions]
You ever seen them unloading the delivery van - the freezer lorry - they get out a side of cow. Where's the *other* side? Is there like a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing? And the frozen pigs, they're always in that position, have you noticed?
[imitates position]
They're like frozen goalkeepers! They killed it just as it was about to save the ball!
I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"
[talking about people on compensation adverts] Then there's that woman, you know, "I was on my way to work when I slipped over accidentally on purpose!"
Then your wife or girlfriend would come up with mad suggestions like, "Lets have a bath together, it'll be just like the films". But it ain't innit. Because women like to have their bath water so fucking hot.
No! Have you seen a woman get out of the bath? they're red up to here! it's like they're wearing a low cut fucking scald!
Even a lobster would go "FUCK THAT"!
Car theives operate in this area, Where else would they operate? The number of times I've been driving through the country and theres a coupla car theives in a field like 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anythin about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a policeman ran over and said, 'E's mugging you, e' is! 'E's running away wit all your monay!"
[while talking about a romantic dinner with candles] Switch the light on love, i'm not Charles Fucking Dickens!
[about airports] You have to check in two hours before you go anywhere now, and you're always late for the checkin, you know you kind of drive to the airport 100mph, you checkin and the airport staff go "it's all right, you got aaages yet! Sit down!" "*puffing and panting* Okay!" And you're always checking, you know: "Have you called it yet?" "Nooooooo! Mr Panicky Poo! Sit dooooown!"
You ever seen a woman power walking? It's like they're taking an iron back to Debanhams!
Before a football match, one of the players are always asked, "So what do you hope will happen tonight?"
"Well I'm just gonna try and score really.." - Well yes...
The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"
Getting lost is the worst thing in the world, especially if you're with your wife. That's the nightmare. If you get lost with your wife you know it's gonna be a nightmare. Because you know when you hand your wife the map and you except her to turn into the Lombard rally with the helmet and goggles going, "Go! Go! Go! Left, right, straight ahead!" But they don't, you hand your wife the map and she'll go, "Where are we now?" "That's why I gave you the fucking map!" "All right, all right! You got us lost! Christopher fucking Columbus!" They then go, "Oh look, they have a Woolworths!"
Heh..
Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"
I like it when the waiter askes you if you want parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!
We got completely lost driving in, and we asked the way, yeah, why is it that when you ask for directions you always get the village-fucking-idiot! "Okay, so you go straight ahead, turn left, turn right, go around the roundabout..."
[walks around in a circle]
"Okay, then where?"
[still walking around in a circle]
"Hang on I missed the turning..."
You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"
I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"
[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*
I'm always all over the place, you know, you get these people that are like "Here, I was talking to her on monday - was it tuesday? - was it thurs-?" "WHO CARES! JUST TELL ME WHAT THEY FUCKING SAID!" I hate them fuckers! They say stuff like "Feels like a tuesday, does it feel like a tuesday? Yeah, feels like a tuesday." I don't know! How the fuck does tuesday feel?
[laughs]
They're like "It's half past five but it only feels like twelve," fucking hell, do they people forget to go to bed because they already think they're asleep?
What happened to all the family butchers? People complain there's no family butchers around anymore. Well they're fucking mad! It's the only shop in the high street where you walk in and some blokes covered in blood, mutilating an animal! Before you walk in they're like that "Grrr, GAAAH FUCKING"
[imitates chopping motions]
Soon as you walk in they're like "Good morning, how are you? Okay, goodbye!" ... "Grrr, GAAH FUCKING" [imitates chopping motions]
You ever seen them unloading the delivery van - the freezer lorry - they get out a side of cow. Where's the *other* side? Is there like a cow still grazing in a field with a fucking side missing? And the frozen pigs, they're always in that position, have you noticed?
[imitates position]
They're like frozen goalkeepers! They killed it just as it was about to save the ball!
I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"
[talking about people on compensation adverts] Then there's that woman, you know, "I was on my way to work when I slipped over accidentally on purpose!"
Then your wife or girlfriend would come up with mad suggestions like, "Lets have a bath together, it'll be just like the films". But it ain't innit. Because women like to have their bath water so fucking hot.
No! Have you seen a woman get out of the bath? they're red up to here! it's like they're wearing a low cut fucking scald!
Even a lobster would go "FUCK THAT"!
Car theives operate in this area, Where else would they operate? The number of times I've been driving through the country and theres a coupla car theives in a field like 'You said there'd be cars!' And thanks for telling us! They're not doing anythin about it! You'd hate it if you were getting mugged and a policeman ran over and said, 'E's mugging you, e' is! 'E's running away wit all your monay!"
[while talking about a romantic dinner with candles] Switch the light on love, i'm not Charles Fucking Dickens!
[about airports] You have to check in two hours before you go anywhere now, and you're always late for the checkin, you know you kind of drive to the airport 100mph, you checkin and the airport staff go "it's all right, you got aaages yet! Sit down!" "*puffing and panting* Okay!" And you're always checking, you know: "Have you called it yet?" "Nooooooo! Mr Panicky Poo! Sit dooooown!"
You ever seen a woman power walking? It's like they're taking an iron back to Debanhams!
Before a football match, one of the players are always asked, "So what do you hope will happen tonight?"
"Well I'm just gonna try and score really.." - Well yes...
The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"
Getting lost is the worst thing in the world, especially if you're with your wife. That's the nightmare. If you get lost with your wife you know it's gonna be a nightmare. Because you know when you hand your wife the map and you except her to turn into the Lombard rally with the helmet and goggles going, "Go! Go! Go! Left, right, straight ahead!" But they don't, you hand your wife the map and she'll go, "Where are we now?" "That's why I gave you the fucking map!" "All right, all right! You got us lost! Christopher fucking Columbus!" They then go, "Oh look, they have a Woolworths!"
Heh..
