Funny how abusers work...

[I'dRather]

It's funny how abusers always have an excuse...They are stressed, the were drunk, they were depressed, they were afraid...If it's not an excuse it's you. You made me do it, if you hadn't done this I wouldn't hit you...Then they call themselves the victim and defending yourself become abuse. Heck I know after being treated poorly and called hurtful names that I did sometimes say some nasty things back and those things could be considered abuse so I blamed myself for not controlling myself but in reality it wasn't a regular thing. I spent most of my time complimenting and encouraging my supposedly insecure abuser while he continued to say hurtful and threatening things to me. Sometimes I would point out something he did to hurt me which of course was followed with narcissistic rage. More often, however, I'd find myself pointing out the things he did well and saying positive things.

So I should feel bad for the rare occasion I lost it and said some mean things? I suppose we all get verbally abusive at times, especially if we've been pushed with constant attacks and insults. There is such a thing as healthy narcissism. We have to care enough about ourselves to stand up for our rights. The difference is that I realize I made mistakes and changed a lot of things that I did wrong. Heck I make mistakes every day and learn every day. My abuser never acknowledged mistakes or changed anything in himself. He never grew. And no I refuse to change everything to fill his emotional needs because in reality it would never have been enough.

 

[Blackness]

You're so right. "abusers always have an excuse...They are stressed, the were drunk, they were depressed, they were afraid"
It's worse when they blame the victim themself. Fuck abusers.

 

[RySp123]

Often abusers have been victims themselves and repeat what they have been through or leant growing up so the only way to get out of that unhealthy cicle is and will happen only when they will understand, accept and get specialized helped but hardly they do till something bad happends.

None should accept any kind of abuse from the very start or sign. Should you allow someone to abuse you the very first time, is an invitation and a signal that 'its ok' to do it as this is how it is recognized by the abuser.

 

[I'dRather]

You're so right. "abusers always have an excuse...They are stressed, the were drunk, they were depressed, they were afraid"
It's worse when they blame the victim themself. Fuck abusers.

Tell me about it. Especially once they start the smear campaign. Mine used to turn my own family and friends against me. Now he has his family doing his dirty work because he's portrayed himself as the victim but his attempts with my family aren't working anymore. I can't imagine the lies he must be telling people right now. The good thing is I'm sure the real him will come out eventually.

Meanwhile my life is actually much better without him.

 

[RySp123]

Your last post indicate you are no longer with him and much better without.

There is no finding excuses. The abuser is responsible for his wrongdoing and no excuse should be given nor accepted for their actions whatsoever.

The 'he never grew' is in part an excuse for his childish behavior and on this......... It is wrong.

Your prior statement is more to the point and exact...... "its not an excuse it's you."

 

[I'dRather]

I'm expressing my thoughts and letting things out not looking for scientific conclusions. Just saying this because it's very disconcerting right now to hear that. I know all these things you've said. I've been studying and researching it for years and well as living it. I'm looking for support from those who've been there. Support and comfort for a very difficult time I'm going through.

 

[I'dRather]

I hope that didn't come across wrong but I had to say it to let people know I'm in a fragile state right now.