It's funny how abusers always have an excuse...They are stressed, the were drunk, they were depressed, they were afraid...If it's not an excuse it's you. You made me do it, if you hadn't done this I wouldn't hit you...Then they call themselves the victim and defending yourself become abuse. Heck I know after being treated poorly and called hurtful names that I did sometimes say some nasty things back and those things could be considered abuse so I blamed myself for not controlling myself but in reality it wasn't a regular thing. I spent most of my time complimenting and encouraging my supposedly insecure abuser while he continued to say hurtful and threatening things to me. Sometimes I would point out something he did to hurt me which of course was followed with narcissistic rage. More often, however, I'd find myself pointing out the things he did well and saying positive things. So I should feel bad for the rare occasion I lost it and said some mean things? I suppose we all get verbally abusive at times, especially if we've been pushed with constant attacks and insults. There is such a thing as healthy narcissism. We have to care enough about ourselves to stand up for our rights. The difference is that I realize I made mistakes and changed a lot of things that I did wrong. Heck I make mistakes every day and learn every day. My abuser never acknowledged mistakes or changed anything in himself. He never grew. And no I refuse to change everything to fill his emotional needs because in reality it would never have been enough.