Funny how the night moves . . . .

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Porkypine, Jan 29, 2007.

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  1. Porkypine

    Porkypine Member

    Hello, all. I'm new here, but I think I'm going to plunge right in.

    In the last few weeks, I've become convinced that I don't have very long to live. It's one of those deep-seated, I-feel-it-in-my-bones sort of things. And I'm afraid that it may happen by my own hand.

    It's nights that get to me. It usually takes me a while to get to sleep, and lately I've been getting very depressed during that time. By day, I'm fine - my normal, cheerful self. But when the sun goes down and the lights go out, I find myself reviewing regrets and worries and fears, and always come to the same conclusion: life is becoming less and less enjoyable, and I'm getting sadder, and it's only a matter of time before something ends it.

    A few nights ago, I wrote a letter and sealed it in an envelope, to be opened only on my passing. It's not a suicide note, but a longer, more detailed version of what I've written here. It helped a bit.

    I don't want to die. Not most of the time, anyway. But it's those other times, the times when I'm stuck in the armpit of a bad night, or feeling down or lonely, or come across the wrong photo at the wrong time, or whatever - it's those that have me worried. I'm afraid that I'll become convinced that the good feelings won't be coming back, and that'll be it. I've come closer in the past (I spent nine months on the edge about ten years ago), so I don't think it'll happen now . . . but I just don't know.

    I'm feeling better just writing this out. In the past, I've had close friends I could confide in, but the last few have contributed by backfiring (one moved away, I fell for one who wouldn't have me, and one - married to another good friend - fell for me), and I'm hesitant to try again. This is a good place to vent a bit.

    Thanks for your time.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2007
  2. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    Hi,
    It sounds like you're at the beginning of a depression, and you might want to see your gp to nip it in the bud before it becomes too strong. It's good that you don't want to die right now, and please try not to give into that dread that something is going to happen... our subconscious just loves to force us into self fulfilling prophecies! My brother (a psychiatric nurse) tells me that some people who are depressed feel worse in the morning and some at night... I'm a night one myself and it seems that you are too! It really might be a good idea to talk this over with a dr but in the meantime, I'm glad you've found us here!
    Shygirl
     
  3. Porkypine

    Porkypine Member

    Yeah, that's definitely the pattern. It feels strange to me, because I've always been my happiest and most creative in the wee small hours. The reversal has probably been the most confusing part of the whole thing.

    Thank you so much for your sympathy and advice. I appreciate it.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 29, 2007
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