Funny, isn't it?

[NotThisLife]

How you can change from day to day. Yesterday, I was fine. I joined the forum, not because I was suicidal per se, but because suicidal feelings have been such a mainstay throughout my life.

Then today happened. I was supposed to go help my Grandma around the house. My mom didn't want this to happen. She didn't want to use up the gas in her car to take me over there, and she became even more adamant when I said I would accept no money for just helping my Grandma with routine cleaning. My mom said "so it's costing me money for you to go?". Well, yes.

So we had a huge fight. My mom had bought me a shirt, and I didn't even look at it. I just ripped it up. Said I didn't want anything from her. I called her "a stupid bitch who makes me sick, so fuck off". I was so angry. Now I feel terrible. I hate myself more than you could imagine.

There is no reason for me to continue on. I hate everything about myself. I abuse the people around me, including myself. I've been shunned by society, no one would care about me if I told them everything about me. I'm something of a pariah in a way. I'm an outcast, and I hate my own company. I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me doesn't deserve to live.

Will I survive the night? Probably. Will I be happy about it? Not at all. Everyday I go without ending my life is a failure. Sooner or later I'll get over the fear of not doing the job right. My greatest fear is not dying, but surviving another attempt.

 

[absolution]

I'm sorry you had a fight with your mom and i can see where you are coming from with that...We all say things in the heat of an argument and feel bad later (well most of us). Have you tried apologizing to her? Or did you call your grandmother and tell her what happened?
I really hope you decide to stick around and not hurt yourself. I have that same fear tho. Im more scared to fail then i am to die. If you need to talk my pm box is always open.
Hang in there... :hug: s

Sam

 

[NotThisLife]

I dunno, this world would be a much better place without me. Trust me on that one

 

[Dave_N]

Hi Notthislife. I'm sorry to hear that you got into a huge fight with your mom and that you weren't allowed to go help your grandma. But why do you hate everything about yourself? You're unique and that's ok. It's ok to be different. It's our differences that make us unique in our own ways. The world would be a boring place to live in if everyone were identical. Next time you look in the mirror, take a really good look at yourself. I'm sure you will see that you're really not that bad at all. I'm sure you actually look pretty good. Please don't give up. :hug:

 

[Daphna]

Hey,
That is your mom, and she loves you. fix the wrong and apologize to her. Explain to her what the deal was, and how you really wanted to help your g-ma. Be open, and honest, and communicate. Every relationship needs those things. Blessings.. :hug: you deserve to live. Change what you don't like. Don't give up.

 

[nolonger]

I regularly swear at my parents and tell them to fuck off and stuff. I think it's because I'm trying to push them away. That includes everyone. I hate myself too, but for different reasons and just the loneliness tends to get to ya. Then you just hate everyone. Then you want to die.

Try telling your mum that you just got a bit frustrated at her and it was an accident or something. That you actually wanted to help your grandma clean. In my world, mum's lucky that I hang out the clothes...

Try to keep what relationship you have between you and your mother. I'm fairly young, but I feel extremely uncomfrotable around my parents. I just don't like talking to them about much at all. Try to keep what you have . Try not to attempt again. I've never attempted(only come close to doing it), but I couldn't imagine the uneasiness of the entire situation if I were to fail.

Hang in there :hugtackles:

 

[Marty482]

You sound like a very good person under a lot of stress. At least you felt bad about the fight.Many would not. Your Mom forgives you Im sure. We all make mistakes. She loves you.

Im praying for you and hope you do too. PLEASE KNOW WE WONT JUDGE YOU.
You are always welcome to tel us your story. We will offer love and hope and care. We want to be your friend. I think you are a fine person and under the circumstances are doig nvery well

WE WANT AND NEED YOU HERE.PLEASE STAY AND BE OUR FRIEND


Write me if you like,

Marty

 

[NotThisLife]

Thanx guys, I appreciate the kind words.

No, this has happened too often for it to be an accident. To be honest,as bad as I feel I will not apologize. Not only would my mom reject it and turn it all around, she doesn't deserve it. Not after the things she said to me. I do agree with her one one thing she said, she should have gotten an abortion. I don't think she meant for me to agree, but I do.

Trust me, there are a lot of people who would be happy I'm about to leave this world. I'm not universally loved, not even within my own family. I have shared my secret recently with a couple of people, and other than my mom they cannot stand to look at me now. Well, she can't stand to look at me either, but for different reasons. I cannot stand to look at me.

I have only gotten worse since I wrote the OP. It's now been over 24 hours since I've eaten, honestly I don't even feel hungry. I don't know why really, I don't plan on starving myself to death. I guess I just feel like it would be a waste of food for me to eat anything. Actually, I'm kind of curious to see how low my weight can get. Call it a macabre science project. I've always been skinny. I'm 6'2" and I've never weighed more than 140 lbs. Now I'm down to 126. I'm interested to see if I can get down below 100. I dunno, probably won't make it that far, but we'll see.

It just upsets me that I'll never be what I could have been. I dropped out of collage with a 3.8 GPA. I was too depressed to continue. I just stopped caring. Same with the stories I've written. One of my short stories actually got the attention of a publisher when it won a local short fiction competition. But I burned it. Why? To make myself suffer. Same with music. Everytime a band I'm in starts breaking even and getting known around the area, I walk out without explanation. When things start going good I walk away. I don't know why. Maybe even when I'm happy I still want to die, I just don't know it.

The only thing that I do know is that I didn't expect to be 25 and still living with my mother. I've always been depressed, due to being molested when I seven, but this last year was the worst of my life. It's so weird. Two years ago, despite two suicide attempts and four stays in a psych ward I'd finally found life. I was living on my own, with my own car and own apartment. I realized a life long dream of owning a dog. I was making awesome progress both in my last band and in my writing. I was working on a story I was almost certain I could get published. My band was getting higher profile shows every month. We even got to open for freakin Melecesh! That remains one of the highlights of my life.

Well, something bad happened. In April of last year I received a better offer from my employer's competition. I was kennel manager, the best employee on staff, but I got offered 11.00$ and hour from someone else, an almost 2.00$ raise. So I took it. Now, my boss had always promised she makes people regret leaving her business. She was right. No more than three days after I started my new job, the police contacted me. I had no idea why. So I went to the station, hoping none of my friends were in trouble.

Turns out, someone had keyed up my former boss's three (yes three!) Mercedes, causing 2,500 $ in damage. The police were convinced it had been me. Even though I had no idea where she lived. Still don't. They cussed and yelled and told me to "stop fucking lying". Two days later I lost my new job when the police arrested me in front of a store full of people. My boss said people would be uncomfortable leaving their dogs in the hands of someone they'd seen taken out in handcuffs. I didn't even know what I was charged with until I got the papers for my arrest. Two felonies and a misdemeanor. While I was in jail awaiting trial, my friend kept my husky. Well, he didn't watch her in the yard and she got out and was killed by a car. I didn't even get to bury her, they just let the vet's office destroy the body. My mom told me the next time she visited me. Of course I cried, which is about the last thing you want to do in jail. Trust me.
So, whether it was a coincidence she used to her advantage or she scratched the cars herself we'll never know. Either way, I'm no longer a threat to her business. Personally, after she told the court she fired me and I screamed at her I think she did the damage herself.

So I survived three suicide attempts to go through that. Well, no more. I shall not allow life to make me so miserable again. I'm done with this shit.

 

[nolonger]

Holy fucking shit.

I'm really sorry for what you've recently gone through...You do your best to live life, and you do, but then the bitch boss fucks everything up. Wow. I actually feel angry at her. Funny considering I don't know her or anything. Fucking bitch she is. Damn. I'm sorry to hear about your dog. My parents actually breed siberian huskies. Thankfully none of ours have died from cars. One died because she popped her hip out one night. She was 15. And the other, well we had to put her down because she would've died very very soon. She had basicly no eye sight left, she couldn't urinate easily or anything. She could barely sleep normally. It was better to let her go easily then to find her one morning stiff dead on the ground . But we still have our remaining three 'breeders' left. We had to give away 2 maroon/orangey ones because we were only allowed to keep 4 dogs maximum in our area.

Call a crisis line or something . Don't do this. You got so much to live for. Please don't go .

You mention a secret, what are you hiding? Feel free to elaborate if you wish

Please take care....

 

[NotThisLife]

Holy fucking shit.

My sentiments exactly

I'm really sorry for what you've recently gone through...

Thanx

You do your best to live life, and you do, but then the bitch boss fucks everything up.

Yeah, pretty much

Wow. I actually feel angry at her. Funny considering I don't know her or anything. Fucking bitch she is.

Actually, she's proud of it. Whenever someone would quit she'd always say something along the lines of : "They'll regret it. I was born with 'bitch' written across my forehead, you know"

Damn. I'm sorry to hear about your dog.

Thank you. The worst was that I didn't even see her one last time. I wasnt even able to visit a grave because there isn't one. It's almost like my soulmate never existed

My parents actually breed siberian huskies. Thankfully none of ours have died from cars.

Nonetheless, I'm sure it's easy for you to imagine how it could happen. She could get out of any yard. My friend didn't take me seriously when I said you have to watch her constantly. Those huskies....

It was better to let her go easily then to find her one morning stiff dead on the ground

I agree

But we still have our remaining three 'breeders' left. We had to give away 2 maroon/orangey ones because we were only allowed to keep 4 dogs maximum in our area.

Those are beautiful. I'm partial to the grey and white, but the liver colored ones are pretty too

Call a crisis line or something . Don't do this. You got so much to live for. Please don't go .

Nah, been down that route before

You mention a secret, what are you hiding? Feel free to elaborate if you wish

I cannot. Not only would some people think I'm trollong, but this is a terrible secret. One that makes people hate me. I'd love to share, but I like the people here so far, I don't want to earn enmity so soon.

Please take care....

Thank you. You too

 

[nolonger]

Yea, our dogs have gotten out a few times. And usually ALL of them went not just one. One big fucking pack of huskies running around the streets :laugh:. I guess it'd be kinda funny looking at it but yea XD.

Don't worry about secrets with me :P. Mine are full on but no one knows in real life and it'll probly stay that way for a while.

Feel free to talk to me in PM's if you want. I'm an accepting person. I guess that's one of the 'good' things that comes from depression and so on. You learn to accept anything and everything . That sounds insane that anything could actually be good coming from depression :blink:.

Edit: I tend to log on and off frequently, so just bare with me :laugh:

 

[NotThisLife]

Feel free to talk to me in PM's if you want. I'm an accepting person. I guess that's one of the 'good' things that comes from depression and so on. You learn to accept anything and everything

Okies, will do. I'm always looking for someone to talk to. Just remember I hate myself, so I won't be surprised or hurt if you do too when we are done talking. Just sayin'....

Edit: I tend to log on and off frequently, so just bare with me :laugh:

Hehe, I know what you mean. Me and my next door neighbor share wi-fi, and the costs. But he pays more so the router is at his house. My connection can be, shall we say... spotty

 

[nolonger]

Hehe, I know what you mean. Me and my next door neighbor share wi-fi, and the costs. But he pays more so the router is at his house. My connection can be, shall we say... spotty

Lol, sounds like fun :tongue:

 

[NotThisLife]

Lol, sounds like fun :tongue:

Yeah, especially on rainy or windy days. I know that isn't supposed to effect wi-fi all that much, but he has a ghetto router lol

 

[nolonger]

Lol. Back when it was really rainy once(it was raining for days and days) our internet really sucked. I kept getting disconnected off various computer games so I went on our internet companies website to check our internet usage and we were capped. I'm like "ugh /facepalm". So it was on like half of dial-up speed or something, :laugh:.

 

[NotThisLife]

Still, it's a courage issue. I get so offended when people say suicide is cowardly. Yeah right. If I had the courage, I'd do it for certain. I have the tools, and the will, just not the courage. I have that little voice in the back of my head saying "but there's always hope"

FUCK that voice. That's the voice that kept me alive long enough to go to jail for a crime I didn't even know happened. That's the voice that keeps me here to endure all of life's shit while my own life crumbles around me. The time I spent being on my own without dependance on family for support seems like distant memory. I have to look at my 1,000$ guitar just to remind myself it wasn't just a dream. Everything else, my car, my job, my apartment, my dog; it's all gone.

Another little voice says "you might not die if you try". That's the voice I'm listening to right now. The only one I'm listening to. If I had a guarantee that I would die, I'd do it. Not a second thought.

 

[nolonger]

Same. The only reason I probly don't do it is because I'm to scared if I fail...that and maybe, just maybe, there might be a SLIGHT bit of hope left. :dunno:

It pisses me off when people say you're a coward for you commit suicide or think of it or something. Like come on? I don't see you dealing with what I am or cutting your arm up because of it. I don't see you thinking of killing yourself because nearly all my options are up.

Sometimes people have just got to grow up. In the meantime, we gotta do our best to survive

Let's keep listening to that hopeful voice in our head. Because if all else fails, that's all we'll have

 

[NotThisLife]

I dunno man, if I had stopped listening to that hopeful little voice it would have saved me a lot of pain. That little voice has no credibility with me anymore

 

[nolonger]

I guess. But we are our failures? Or some crap like that :laugh:. The events in our lives make us who we are. And when I realize that, it actually makes me feel OK. But then I'm back to feeling shit within half a second lol.

Please take care, and goodnight/morning! :P

See you tomorrow or...today? lol XD