How you can change from day to day. Yesterday, I was fine. I joined the forum, not because I was suicidal per se, but because suicidal feelings have been such a mainstay throughout my life. Then today happened. I was supposed to go help my Grandma around the house. My mom didn't want this to happen. She didn't want to use up the gas in her car to take me over there, and she became even more adamant when I said I would accept no money for just helping my Grandma with routine cleaning. My mom said "so it's costing me money for you to go?". Well, yes. So we had a huge fight. My mom had bought me a shirt, and I didn't even look at it. I just ripped it up. Said I didn't want anything from her. I called her "a stupid bitch who makes me sick, so fuck off". I was so angry. Now I feel terrible. I hate myself more than you could imagine. There is no reason for me to continue on. I hate everything about myself. I abuse the people around me, including myself. I've been shunned by society, no one would care about me if I told them everything about me. I'm something of a pariah in a way. I'm an outcast, and I hate my own company. I look in the mirror and the person staring back at me doesn't deserve to live. Will I survive the night? Probably. Will I be happy about it? Not at all. Everyday I go without ending my life is a failure. Sooner or later I'll get over the fear of not doing the job right. My greatest fear is not dying, but surviving another attempt.