Funny Thing Happened Yesterday

Discussion in 'Positive Feelings and Motivational Messages' started by Godsdrummer, Apr 21, 2009.

  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I Guess I No Longer Want To Die......

    As some of you know from some of my previous posts, my health hasnt been all that great in recent weeks. There has been some concern over an increased blood pressure.

    Well yesterday, after work, while still in the town I work in (45 miles from home) I decided to go to Walmart and do some grocery shopping.

    While at the store, I decided to stop by the pharmacy and check my blood pressure at one of those self checking BP machines. Well I totally freaked out. It was 189 over 107!!!!!!! I thought for sure that I was going to die.

    Immediately I started to have sweats, felt my chest tightening up, started feeling a little light headed. So I proceeded to drive back to my home town. On the way back to my hometown, I decided I would stop by my apartment, clean the litter box for the cat, make sure she has food/water, throw out some things I wouldnt want people to find, and then headed to the local hospital ER. I thought I would be admitted, and I seriously wondered if I would ever come out. I mean people dont survive with a BP that high!!!!!

    Well the nurse checked it, and it was actually 146 over 100...still high, but about the same as it has been since I have been sick. Nothing major to worry about at the moment.

    Here's the deal; 7 months ago, hell even 1.5 months ago, I would have welcomed that high BP reading from the store. I would have been happy it was that high, and I would have then set out to do more damage to my body, to finish the process, as I was at that time still suicidal.

    But I didn't. Instead, I panicked. I yelled to God that I DONT WANT TO DIE!!!!

    I dont know what this means? I guess it means I am no longer suicidal. But I dont think that one ever is cured of that. I worry that when a day comes when I have to deal with some really bad terrible stressful event, I may be right back at it. Afterall I am still a manic depressive person.

    But for now, I guess I am at least, temporarily, no longer suicidal! :smile:
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really glad you want to live!!

    I don't know why, but those self-checking BP machines in pharmacies are usually way off! My little cousin wanted to see how they worked one time, so I took my blood pressure to show her and the result was like 155 over 99. I completely freaked out and went right over to my aunt's house, because she's a nurse and I figured she'd have a way of checking my pressure. It was 128 over 83, and she told me that the reason it was even that high was probably because I threw myself into a panic.
     
  3. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    That's great! I'm really happy for you. :) Sometimes it takes something close to death to make us realize that's not actually what we want.
     
  4. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks!

    At least for now I want to live. Dont know about the future. June 1st looks to be a really bad day. :sad:
     
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Try to hold onto the now and take things one day at a time. You're strong, probably stronger than you realize, and I truly believe that when you do have bad days, you'll make it through them. If you ever feel like talking, venting ... anything at all, you can PM me anytime.
     
  6. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Take one day at a time Bill.

    Sometimes it takes a scary thing like that for us to realise that we do actually want to live.
     
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks WC!!!

    And your right about that Claire.

    It's funny, we sit around alone in our misery, plotting our own demise, yet when something unexpected pops up and causes us to think of how close we came and causes us to rethink things.