Futile Struggle

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by InfernoX, Jan 11, 2009.

  1. InfernoX

    InfernoX Member

    I've been suicidal ever since I was twelve. Looking back, it wasn't even for a very good reason. I was bullied a lot back then, and long story short people whom I had considered friends, whom I had known for years, had decided one day to just join in with the bully and contribute their own dose of pain. It took nearly a year of continued abuse, but eventually I got to the point where I wanted to end my life.

    Three years later and one pathetic suicide attempt later things began to get better. I made some new friends and started high school and things were good. The first year of high school was one of the best years of my life. The second year however, wasn't so great. Academically I ended up failing two courses and ruining my relationship with my parents. (more than I already had) To top it all off, in June 08 I tried to kill myself with an overdose. Unfortunately, this time it wasn't as quiet as my first attempt. I ended up lying my ass off to friends and family just so they wouldn't suspect anything. (Whether or not I was successful then, I'm sure they've caught on by now) After my attempt, it was strange. Life was all of the sudden amazing, I felt like I was in a constant state of euphoria. It was inexplicable, I couldn't even fathom why I had wanted to kill myself in the first place.

    Like all good things in my life however, this didn't last. I fell in love. At first it was a great feeling, it enhanced my already elevated mood and made me feel amazing. Although we were friends for years and I had always been interested in her I never felt this attached. We would talk to each other over MSN for hours at a time, nearly everyday. I began to think that she liked me back. Late July I told her how I felt, and she told me that she had only ever viewed me as a friend. I felt like an idiot. What hurt the most was not the rejection, but how I had deluded myself so thoroughly.

    Ever since then I've been in a state of apathy and depression. Time is meaningless, day in and day out life passes me by while I stagnate and watch from the sidelines. I've stopped talking to my friends; I can't even talk to them anymore no matter how much I want to. I'm completely indifferent to death, I don't actively seek to end my life but I want to die.

    Tired of writing now.