Gah!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ScarsandHopes, Nov 30, 2008.

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  1. ScarsandHopes

    ScarsandHopes Well-Known Member

    So, I'm trying to think. And I've noticed that I think best when I'm here.

    I've decided that I won't attempt suicide again; My last time was wenesday of last week, making it the 240th attempt on my life ( I keep a notebook documenting how I did it in detail ). But, then I started thinking about why I shouldn't commit suicide? And let me tell you, I came up with nothing.

    My dad looks at me like I'm just one of his kids trying to get attention, I know he cares, but he just doesn't know what it's like, wanting to die. My mother understands how I feel, but she's on so many meds she can't think straight. My sisters both don't really care, hell one day they actually helped me attempt. My brother is nice and sweet, but he's not someone I feel like I can talk to about suicide.

    My social life is in shambles, I've lost most of my friends because of drugs, and the ones who stayed by me through that, I lost to drinking. The girl I thought was perfect turned out to be too perfect and dumped me because she found out I was still drinking and smoking.

    I've lost my faith in God.. This is probably the most devastating of all. I used to cling to God like he was my own father. But, slowly and surely as life started losing it's good, I started losing my faith. And now I sit he and think of Him as nothing more than a myth =/

    I've lost most of what kept me alive. Tennis I can't do, I smoke too much. Trumpet I can't do, I've just lost intrest. Music I can't do, I've drifted from the true meaning of it.

    I just can't seem to find any probable reason to stay alive... Though I don't want to die, I'm scared of what might happen if I don't.

    Any thoughts? Really, I've got open ears and an open mind.
     
  2. EspenN

    EspenN Well-Known Member

    You can try out the only thing that keeps me alive; wait to see if something good actually happens :smile: try quit drugs and smoking, just drink socially ... then I don't see how you could at least partly get back what you've lost.
     
  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Glad you come here to the forum to 'think'. Your post moves me deeply and I sense your sadness. I'm sure if you think again there are many reasons not to commit suicide. You are a loving human being with emotions. You mention loosing your faith in God and sometimes it's ok to question one's faith but please do not give up hope, He loves you deeply. xx
     
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