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Game over but not depressed.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Raphael1, Dec 15, 2008.

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  1. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Hello first I would like to note something important. This is a post about me in critical crisis. It is not by any means a suicide note, but it does look like I am heading in that direction for now and very quickly. I cannot say what will happen in the future. Hence I need somewhere to journal the crisis to let others know what is happening with me. I should also note I did post this at
    notalone.com. Well after giving some advice to support others who were miserable I was warned I was disrespectful to some people who were being disrespectful of the suicide people (It's ridiculous). I asked for clarification why my posts needed to be deleted when I had not written anything name calling or insulting just logical. While others could still reply to me? The response? I was notified that do not challenge a moderators decision. So I asked can I appeal it to the Admin? They said yes. Next time I checked my account I was permanently banned with no further notification or response. This site notalone.com. treated me very unprofessionally abusing the moderators powers with censorship and banning me without reason. Do not ever go there if you need support. They did not even let other members know I was banned so they think I am ignoring them. Looking at the rules here I get the feeling I am in much better hands to write this message. Thank you to the forum creators for giving me the chance to express this

    Hi. I live in Australia I'm 23 years old. I don't want to die or commit suicide. I don't. I love life. Every day I hear the birds sing and see the beautiful trees outside I am filled with emotion and gratefulness for that extra day. I love seeing the ocean, the beach, a sunset. I like to see a smile on someones face when I can assist them. I enjoy life. I want to develop my talents and very interested in the mysteries of love.

    But this is what society has threatened me with. Society is sick and twisted. Anyone who supports society and bureaucratic systems I think they are a parasite ok. These people are dumb and selfish supporting fascism. I have no resources. What if I want to create music, write a book, or do a film, what if I want to start a business? What if I want to study and research and invent? I can't because it takes some initial money. And I have none. Poverty. I tried working as a slave but only got by enough to pay the bills and I hated it so much on a treadmill getting no-where. In addition working like a slave is a waste of time and a life and I hated the job. Money is just paper and it's foolish. The criminal bankers don't need to work like a slave it's unfair and it's insane. The politicians are deceitful liars. Corporations manipulate through materialism. Consumerism abounds and mindless people conform like drones to a system that is nothing more than stagnating ignorance and wasted energy. All slave jobs avaliable I searched and searched and hated them all. I went to see the education centers and to difficult to enter into the right courses for me and also fees to pay which I don't have. The sheeple have really done it to themselves now. There is fluoride poisoned water, chemically infected junk foods and the planet is being abused at a rate unprecedented.

    This in itself is not enough to stop my inspiration to live. As a matter of fact it's what made my will so strong to want to continue to survive in order I may help humanities crisis. The sheeple hate and ignore me because I do not follow and obey the every command to abuse other people and the planet and live a lie. They dislike the fact I want to live a real life not a pretend one. I am only willing to work at something I enjoy. I have no opportunity within the economy financially to do that I am broke due to my unwillingness to work at a job I hate. So without money I have no home. No way to buy food. No way to have showers, no way to get a good night sleep safely.

    Since I don't have the basics in life it is unsustainable. The only sensible thing to do is prepare for death. Morons who think society is not unbalanced, that the television is informing, that the law system is just. That the education system is smart. You people need to get a reality check if your not out to change things. Society and our culture is so cancerous and backwards. So irresponsible are the people that it's forced a well intentioned perfectly balanced person, who can critically think, love, and be compassionate above the average. Who has many talents and gifts to give selflessly. To have to prepare for their own death.

    Now even though it was a great sacrifice for many years to work in these jobs giving away my dignity to survive after finishing school and not getting into the correct university courses for me that I couldn't afford. Even after all that I still wasn't allowed a bank loan to start my business. Why? I don't know maybe they have a file on who is and is not useful to get money from the rich fascist bankers.

    So I found a way to delay this and get some money out of the system anyway. How? Some car dealer financed a car to me. He was sure that the loan would be approved. But I knew the bankers didn't like me for some reason. So I knew it would be rejected. I didn't force him into anything but since he was so sure my loan would be approved he sold me the car without me even signing a contract. When the loan was rejected I then sold the car and got money this way.

    Admittedly it was not fair on the dealer. But this was desperate measures for desperate times. And I have arranged personal payments straight into his bank account even though legally I don't owe anything. Hence I am now over 9 grand debt as we speak. This is the extremes I have to go to, to not end my life. So not only has it effected me not killing myself has now effect someone else's life who has lost money because I needed it to survive.

    Anyone who understands how the money system works knows how truly insane this is for us stuck outside the loop of this system. And welfare? Impossible. I don't have the correct bureaucratic forms that prove the requirements needed. The payments also are below what is needed to get by.

    So the only thing that can save my life from suicide is 50 thousand to keep me living like a reasonable human being to initiate my own talents and business. Even once I started to get some income flow from my business I wouldn't hesitate to give that back into the community or repay what is loaned to me.

    If you don't have money to give. If you don't have something you can do on a practical level. Don't even attempt to tell me why I shouldn't do it. You are simply petty. You wanna support someone? You want to save lives? Put your money or resources where your mouth is or shut up insulting me. I have a lot of compassion for those in a similar boat, I know there is many of you out there and I'm so sorry you had to live in such a sick society. Priorities are clear if people were not so irresponsible it would not be difficult for a civilization to provide basic needs for it's people. Yet here we are today with a handful of rich people that want to hoard everything and keep everyone distracted and dumbed down. I don't have a need for any foolishness whatsoever in response to me suicide is not a decision to be taken lightly it's a big decision. This is a matter of starving to death on the street or preparing for death. I'm totally calm and logical about all this. I am not so willing to sell my soul, freedom, and dignity to corporations. We are in very very deep trouble here anyone should be alarmed by now people are laying down their life like this.

    I will update my plans as I am running out of time now. I spent many years trying to find a solution giving myself stress and illness paying bills and now that there is no solution through all my research and efforts I have discovered the real nature of the situation for certain. Only a miracle can save me. If I was less fortunate than this in Africa living on a dollar a day I'd also be considering suicide just out of plain old dignity. I am not counting or expecting to be saved. People shouldn't have to do this. Hence I must start the process of writing a note out that may be shared with the world of why I did it and the process I went about as a Journal. I have to be quick as I am running out of money there is only a matter of days left.

    I have learnt much about science and all these things due to my curiosity so I understand with almost absolute certainly the nature of the after death experience as I have researched many NDEs and other spiritually related material that confirms to the best of my ability that my principles are sound. I have a good awareness of the situation of the planet and admit many things are hidden from me and the public. I have a strong sense of who I am and my philosophy of life is my own. I am grateful for all personal experiences in my life and value them highly. I know how much of a gift life is but I also am heavily concerned for overpopulation. Me and another insightful person we joke that if Jesus was here they would crucify him in half the time. This story of his suicide was considered almost the most holy act as a service laying his life down for others. Even though I am not that powerful I am more or less forced in a similar way of choosing to lay my life down for a similar reason. Suicide is just another decision it does not end your soul.

    I would like if I have time to help anyone who is going through a miserable time just by giving them some advice or support to the best of my ability and making them understand there is people that truly care about them, and that I'm one of them. If the means exists to survive without stress and illness financially one should consider ways to eliminate depression and understand a exciting life is still possible and within reach.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2008
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi R...glad you found us...it sounds like you have been struggling with these issues for a while...we have all gone to extremes to do what we thought we needed to do...forgive yourself, if you hold any ill will towards yourself, and move forward...hope you find work you want to do and that satisfies you...welcome again, J
  3. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Hi sadeyes,

    Indeed I have thought long and hard about myself and the situation. Thanks for the welcome. Yesterday I brought some beer. I normally don't drink it feels terrible afterwards what it does to your body, but I thought since I am most likely going to die a few drinks could be productive here....

    I am more or less living in the moment. When the money runs out that is it. I have a little over $2,500. I need some of it for preparation. This is not my house, I do not have any place I own. Fortunately there is only 2 people who will possibly be effected by my death in any damaging way. My mom and dad. So this is very fortunate that I haven't any close relations or friends that will be hurt

    My mom and dad will soon quickly get over it as we are not very close and are at very different places in our lives. I also will not have to burden them with survival problems and stress they cannot handle. I have seen how they deal with other family members death and I know they will be fine.

    What hurts most is leaving my dog to be taken care of. I spent a lot of moments and had a good life with this dog and she is very old now anyway, but she should be able to handle my absence, without her walks and attention from me. She is independent enough to handle my absence in good hands taken care of until we meet on the other side.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    We are what we perceive...if we feel there is no hope, assuredly, there will be no hope...the ultimate question, as I see it (and humbly suggest) is how to turn the corner to find something worthy in our lives...for me it was the realization how very imperfect I am...this made me feel rather centered and decreased the overriding shame...like each of us, I am a work in progress, failing as much as I succeed...but that is being a part of the human race...have you truly thought about what kind of work/play you would find satisfying??? and have you enlisted the help of others to get it???? each of us says, when we are at the end of our rope, that we have tried everything...maybe another's perspective may be helpful (either professional or peer)...big hugs, J
  5. levitated-one

    levitated-one Well-Known Member

    Hi Raphael,

    I'm 23, too, from Australia - Perth. I'm David we have similar beliefs. I don't like society, the corruption, the social conditionings, the control, the media, and... just human .. they piss me off lol.

    While I love nature..and animals..

    There's much to learn though..
  6. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Hey David. True there is so much to learn. Unfortunately I'm another causality of the international bankers.

    I definitely understand my talents and way of doing things is different and I know exactly what I would find satisfying as you can feel it deep down. Employment agencies have being redundant and ignorant to me. I've searched the internet for people who understand but no-one I can find who has any reason to care about me, or invest any time or energy to help with my projects or my livelihood. Why should they? I'm sure they have their own life and problems to deal with trying to keep their head above water also. The apathy is a disease in the collective mind. Not everyone is evolved enough to understand what value I can contribute to society. There is not enough organization or intelligence, unity or co-operation to effectively channel what I have to offer. Not enough care or balance. It's unfortunate but maybe another day. In fact it is threatening to the powers that be right now. Hence they have set up every road block possible in society to stop people like me even getting started. They did a mighty good job of that. I'm so sorry people.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 15, 2008
  7. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I just realized maybe this thread should be in the Crisis forum. Ohwel it's pretty much all the same isn't it. Suicide, Crisis. Close enough we can leave it in this section.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I too would like to welcome you to the forum. I am sorry to hear you have been through such difficult times. I am glad that you would choose to look for a way out of your situation rather than choose death, but sad that you feel you may have no other chioce.
  9. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    Dam, I thought I could go easy when the girl I loved had stopped talking to me pretty much blocking me out. But now she expressed she did care a bit again. I hate it when that happens it makes it more difficult.

    I think I may be able to wait until Christmas then buy sleeping pills. And something else. Not sure what yet, need something else to help finish the job.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Please don't do it Raphael :hug:
  11. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am just curious about one thing. How did you sell your car without the title to it. The dealer if he is in his right mind wouldn't give you the title until you paid the car off???
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