Game over for me!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Marcos, Apr 10, 2009.

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  1. Marcos

    Marcos Member

    I have major crisis today, and I need to write something.. I'm 99% sure that my life will finish by commiting suicide in next few days/weeks/months. I'm not typical example of suicidal guy, on the contrary I think life is something beautiful and honestly I don't want to dieā€¦.but, now I see that death is probably only possibility for me because I love and respect myself too much to live life like I live it presently.

    Now I'll try to explain in few sentences why I want to finish with my life. I'm 21 yo and I'm destroyed person. I had perfect life until 3 and half years ago. I was succesful athlete (waterpolo was my main sport but I was also good in auto-moto sport and did body building for hobby), I did few succesful acting(comedian) projects and was very popular in my little city. I was also accepted in one prestigius college abroad, but back than I didn't care much about anything, my biggest love in life were girls and after them sports and cars. Everything was great (well beside my family which was always dysfunctional) until one day when mine health problems started.. It's not necessary now to describe this, but I'll just say that since than I have everyday problems with high body temperature, pain, fatigue and digestive system.
    But the biggest problems is that doctors didn't gave me exact diagnosis yet, and I'm now tyred of them and also gave up visiting them. In this 3 and half years l tottaly collapsed, I didn't even finish high school because I became aggressive and was ejected from it, I can't do sports anymore, and my appereance changed that much that I even can't recognize myself in the mirror. Fact is that my health problems appeared in worst possible time, I wasn't able to develop properly and how I wanted but even worst thing is that I still can't solve my problems.
    Because of that problems I was also slowely starting to withdrawing from society, I lost almost all people which I cared for (friends), no one knows in what situation am I (because I never wanted to share my weaknesses with anyone), and I have now one to talk with and no one supports me. My familiy is also suffering because of this but they also never helped me and I think they are kind of blaming me for pain I give them. Others around me think that I don't acctualy have real problems, I heard that most people think that I'm drug user (which is not true but I can understand why they think that, I really look like drug user now and I was also always crazy little bit) while people which were jealous of me in past acctualy enyojing this right now. It's hard to deal with all this, I just want my life and health back, It's hardest thing when you have everything and after that all what you had disappears. I also miss love, I miss huggs and kisses, I miss living life. I watch myself collapsing everyday, I'm spending days in front of TV feeling like shit and any physical activity is just making me feel even worse. I have too much self-respect to watch myself collapsing like that and I'm very close to killing myself.

    ps sorry for my english
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    I'm really new here, but I saw your post and wanted to reply.

    I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Have you tried going to different doctors, specialists, to try and find out what's wrong and if there's anything they can do?

    I wish there was something I could say that would make things better; but if you want to talk to someone, I'm around.
  3. Marcos

    Marcos Member

    Thank you for replying, anyway there's nothing much you can say, everything's obvious now and suicide is my only way out..
    I visited few doctors, but our health system isn't very functional and they can't solve complicated cases because doctors usually give up as soon as they see that some basic tests are normal. You know, it's funny situation actualy because I think I'm already too much destroyed and everything just went too far to start again, but since I'm fighter I would fight for my life but I can't because of my condition..

    All I can say is Ciao miei amici .....
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Suicide isn't your only way out. You can still keep fighting.

    What country are you from?
  5. prelon

    prelon Member

    Hey marcos

    I had the same problem with doctors ignoring a medical condition that is so rare most of them have never even heard of it, especially because test results come up normal most of the time. Now they acknowledge it but still offer no support. Anyway, most doctors are stupid and useless, try googling your symptoms it usually provides better information than the real doctors. I also used to be physically fit when a little younger, now i feel like an 80 year old, it has a lot to do with anxiety and depression, not just my medical condition.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Marcos...glad you found us...I know what it is like to have debilitating physical problems, and have life reduced in so many ways...what I have found is that I refused to be my problems, and was able to reconnect with is so much more pleasant now...please choose someone you care about and have lost touch with and contact him/her...tell a little of your story and see if there is a way to have the relationship of luck, J
  7. Marcos

    Marcos Member

    I'm also refusing to be my problems, that's main reason why I'm thinking so much about commiting suicide.. It's not just crisis, I think about that 24 hours in day..
    I'm not anymore person I was, I was athlete and my life was all about that, I really knew to enjoy life and all that is gone now. I can't be optimistic because I don't have single reason to be optimistic about, nothing gets better I'm just in worse condition every day. I'm aware of my mental problems but they are here just because I have other problems and if I found out what's wrong with me and how to solve that I would at least know what to expect and what to do.
    I already attemted suicide last year, I crushed my car into wall while was doing 130 km/h and I just broked my arm :rolleyes:
    I was happy back than because I didn't die, but I tought it's sign that something will change and nothing changed.. I became frustrated person, and I never liked that kind of people.. Well at least I'm able to talk with you people about my life on this forum.
    Thank you for comments
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