Game over.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Gabriel, Dec 12, 2006.

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  1. Gabriel

    Gabriel Member

    Now before you even attempt to offer me the obligatory “you have much to live for” hyperbole I’d like to make one thing abundantly clear. I have considered my situation very carefully and using basic logic have come to the conclusion that I am better off dead than alive. Actually, it’s a bit more than that. Not only am I better off dead than alive my wife would be as well. I just took stock of my life and there is absolutely no reason for me to be alive. No one, not even myself, actually benefits from me being alive. For one, I don’t enjoy life. Every day is at best an exercise in tedium and futility, at worst, a waking nightmare. My wife, who is the most wonderful person I’ve ever known, would be better off without me as well. I am consistently mean to her as I am consistently in a foul mood. She wants to have a child and having a child is the furthest thing from my mind. For one, why would I want to bring another life into this cesspool of a planet? Talk about being selfish. Secondly, why would I want to pass on my horrendous bloodline? My mother is mentally ill, I am as well and my brother, well let’s just say he’s a selfish prick, a classic sociopath. My blood is tainted and I don’t wish to subject another human to my pain. So, as you can plainly see my wife would be better off if I were gone as she could meet a man (a real man) someone who will treat her better than I ever could. I’m also worth 500k dead (life insurance) and I’m sure that will help her along in life more than I ever could as well. My family, well I pretty much described them above so they are no concern of mine. They offer me nothing in the way of support or love nor do I have anything to offer them. Friends? Don’t have any. I did have a scant few friends but I’ve lost them over the years due to my inability to socialize. I get extremely anxious in social situations so much so that I don’t even feel comfortable around people I’ve known since childhood. This also affects my wife as I never take her anywhere, we never go anywhere because I am uncomfortable around other people. She plays it off like it doesn’t bother her but I know it does. How can it not? All her friends have normal husbands who take them out and do, well, normal things. Once again, she’d be better off with another man.

    So here I am confident in my conclusion that I simply have no reason to live. Can you give me one? Can you? If you can I’ll reconsider otherwise, farewell.

    Thanks for listening
  2. Porcelain

    Porcelain Well-Known Member

    Does your wife love you?
    I expect she does if she made the commitment to marry you. So really if you kill yourself you will destroy her. She will wonder every single day of the rest of her life what she did wrong. She will wonder why you felt you couldn't confide in her. She will wonder why you felt you couldn't turn to her despite the fact that you are supposed to be in love with her. She will wonder why???? Why she didn't see? Why she couldn't tell what you were thinking? Why she couldn't understand. She will blame herself. She will feel so much guilt that the rest of her life will be destroyed. Do you love her? Do you really love her? Do you care about her?
  3. Hey

    Hey Well-Known Member

    Sometimes logic has more than 1 viewpoint. :tongue:

    Picture it as a hologram (like one of those stickers)- if you lean just a LITTLE, you get a completely different view than you would if you just stood there.

    It isn't logical for you to die because you obviously care about your spouse. How many people can say they still feel that way about their spouses? Really? So say you die- your wife cries for a few weeks and maybe downs wine and converses with friends to ease the pain. She makes it through, though- she decided to date again, meet a guy and everything is well until she realizes HE is not the image he gave off. He beats her, rapes her and uses her for money to buy coke. :mellow:

    Now- your situation sounds like its hereditary and you have some mental illness. Personally, I have that 'history' too. But it uh....I'm not bipolar. :laugh: I don't have social anxiety. I mainly am here because I'm trying to figure myself out after battling depression/lonliness. I honestly don't believe in psychological 'diseases'. Just like 'alcoholism'- now people are calling that a disease- the act of indulging in alcohol to the point people around you start getting pissed off. THEN it becomes a problem.

    Everything is grouped into diseases eventhough quite simply, it just takes the will/desire to change and everything is really 100% subjective. My 'depression/lonliness' was my inability to look at things differently. That's all. There are billions of ways to look at things ('billions' not being an exaggeration.)

    If there weren'y alternative ways to look at things- we would all like Led Zeppelin. Everybody would play Led Zeppelin and all bands would imitate Led Zeppelin. We would all wear the same clothes. We would all be the same sexuality.
  4. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    I second everything Porcelain said above.

    Also, I'd like to add that you might be worth 500k dead, but you certainly won't be if you die as a result of suicide. Life Insurance doesn't include suicide.
  5. Gabriel

    Gabriel Member

    She will not wonder why as I will leave a detailed letter explaining everything including why I did what I did. And frankly the “your loved ones will be hurt” crap doesn’t fly with me. I have one (1) loved one and I hurt her more in life than I ever could in death.

    Thanks anyway
  6. Gabriel

    Gabriel Member

    Oh and incidently, my INS policy does cover suicide after a certian time frame has passed and that time frame has indeed long passed.
  7. Porcelain

    Porcelain Well-Known Member

    You think a letter will explain her emotions away? Please......a letter is just a load of meaningless words. It won't actually mean anything. She will still experience all of those emotions. Have you ever tried really talking to her? Why do you think some women stay with men that constantly hurt them? It's because they LOVE them. Did you ever think that your wife may worry about you to the point where she makes herself ill? Did you ever think that your wife worries about what she says and does in case she triggers you? How long have you been together? You have a child with her? Doesn't that signal that she loves you? Hav eyou ever tried to get yourself help? Have you ever asked for help? If not, then do it for your wife. Do it for your child. And most of it for yourself.
  8. Gabriel

    Gabriel Member

    So what it comes down to is the following ...

    My only reason to live is to not hurt my wife by killing myself. Yeah, that’ll carry me for the next 30-50 years. <sarcasm>

    Anyhow, I appreciate the replies people but there really isn’t anything you can say (save for the “your wife loves you” hyperbole), so I shall take my leave at this point. Thanks again. Oh, and we DO NOT have a child. She wishes to have a child I have no interest in bringing another life into this world.

    Thanks again and goodbye.
  9. Porcelain

    Porcelain Well-Known Member

    So why did you post here? What do you want us to say? Do you want me to beg you to stay?

    All I can say is if you love your wife then talk to her. Try your hardest to get yourself some help because no one else is going to do it for you. And you can try and dismiss the fact that your wife loves you all want but what are you trying to convince yourself of? That no one cares? That no one would give a crap if you killed yourself? You and I both know that isn't the case. and you also know that writing some letter isn't going to make everything okay.
  10. Gabriel

    Gabriel Member

    Why? Well I really don’t know. Perhaps it normal to want to cry out before taking such a drastic measure and seeing as how I have no one to cry out to this forum seemed like a logical choice.

    Anyhow I apparently have wasted your time and I apologize for that. I will be a nuisance no longer.
  11. Porcelain

    Porcelain Well-Known Member

    You have your wife to cry out to....can't you see that?
  12. thecleric

    thecleric Guest

    Not true, at least in most US states. There's typically a two-year waiting period between taking out a policy and the coverage counting in case of suicide. So just take a good look at the policy.


  13. Dear Porcelain, although I wouldn't suggest that you terminate yourself, I must say that I agree with your overall perspective. Your reason follows a brutal logic, ... pragmatism in it's most ruthless form, if you will.

    Again, let me reiterate that I am not encouraging you to take drastic measures. Let's be perfectly clear about that, okay ?

    I too am afflicted with mental illness that is genetic in its origins. It defines me as a person and permeates every aspect of my personality. There is no escaping from it.

    I completely agree that, maternal intincts or not, it would be utterly sadistic
    to procreate. Why take a chance on bringing another tortured soul into the world ? I am 48 years old and have had plenty of opportunites to produce a son or daughter but I would never, NEVER take such a chance. What an incredibly irresponsible thing to even consider.

    Others may disagree, but to me your post makes complete sense ( in a tragic way. ) If relief cannot be found it makes no sense to prolong one's suffering.

    Having said that, you do sound as if you have a well established life, you come across in your post as extremely intelligent and you do ( as others have stated ) have someone who loves you.

    I am not trying to be trite or patronizing by stating to you what you already know, I meant only to reference these things in terms of resources that may help you. I would never try to convince you that your situation is not as bad as you describe it in some useless attempt to encourage you. You are truly in hell and that's reality.

    No, my meaning is that despite daunting odds you do have some positives that you could perhaps draw strength from. Yes, you have a lot of crap in your head that's dragging you down, but you obviously have a very high level
    of intelligence that you could possibly use to find clinical solutions to alleviate your despair. Your wife, because she loves you, could try to bolster you as much as she is able. Lastly, you should interact with us on this forum
    if you feel that it would help you.

    I don't know much about you at this point and my suggestions may be way off the mark. There are many, many people on this forum who are suffering in a thousand different ways ( so to speak ) and although my insights may be useless to you, perhaps some of them can offer you something that you can latch on to so that you can begin to ( hopefully ) pull yourself out of a pool of misery and enjoy the remainder of your life. Good Luck.
  14. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    Suicide is not the answer. I maybe hypicritical but it's not.
  15. immure

    immure Account Closed

    the most positive thing i ever did was have a child they represent hope and the sence of a duty higher then ones own. and as for ur wife u don t know she would be better of with out u she could end up with some one even worse then u. trien to save the u she couldn t. i say take some uncomfortable risks like living and havind a baby and i am sure ur wife will be happy to take the uncomfortable risk of loving and supporting u for a life time that passes quick without the aid of anyone. geneticlly speaking the mom is the dominent genetic coding for the baby so it wouldn t be as bad as u think for ur babe if ur lady is of good health. don t let fear rule ur days. step out in the love u have for ur lady and let some things happen. let some of the things life likes to manage manage. u r garinteed to die in this life why rush it. take the time to give something to ur lady that will fill her in ways that will forfillher a life time. besides if i have my ay i will have a cure for all mental health issues before i die so our kids caan live a freer life. *wink

  16. OOPS !! Sorry Porcelain, I meant to adress my post to Gabriel. My defective brain has struck again.....:confused:
  17. Gabriel

    Gabriel Member

    I just wanted to give you fine people and update on my situation. I did indeed speak with my wife this past weekend. We spoke for hours until we both broke down and cried. When we were done talking we embraced each other tightly and I made a statement; “ I WILL be happy - I WILL have a family and enjoy life - I AM in control of my destiny and only I can affect a change for the better. Certainly my wife can offer her support but ultimately it is I that must change. It’s been a bumpy road the past few days but I feel that I am inching ever so closer to feeling like a “normal” person - a person in control of their ultimate destiny. It may take a bit of time but I WILL get there. My wife is worth it, I am worth it and (with a bit of patience and luck) our future child will be worth it.

    Thanks to all of you and keep in mind that if I can make progress absolutely anyone can. Just open your mind (and mouth) and speak with someone, anyone. It truly helps. Keeping things bottled up inside only makes things worse in the long run- it’s akin to cognitive cannibalism!

    Be well and thanks again.
  18. malek

    malek Well-Known Member

    No it doesn't, not always anyway. Last time i talked it landed me in the hospital for a few weeks.

    Total waste of my time. It only works if you never really wanted to kill your self.

    I dont want to kill my self because "i cant bare the pain" or because "life simply sucks"

    I have prayed for death for the last 18 years. And to this day i still want to die even in my greatest highs i would still rather die now than face 1000 years of complete blissfull happyness.

    Death for me is not a rease, i dont want to die to simply be free of my problems, i want to die because i hate humanity, i hate humans, i hate our civilization our cultures our religions our high and mighty morals.

    no ammount of talking will ever change that.

    If you feel like talking i greatly encourage everyone to do so as it may be a need you need to have fulfilled ... but to say that anyone can make progress if you can and that talking helps is case specific not a generality.

    but i'm glad that for your it works and all the props to you.
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