game over

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by lostbutnotfound, Jun 10, 2011.

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  1. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    I guess I'm in crisis...

    I'm fucked. I'm in a different country, where I only kinda know two people, and I have crashed. Completely. I don't know what to write. I don't even know why I'm writing, there is nothing anyone can do. I need to cut, but I know when I start I won't be able to stop. The bottom line is that I need to die. Being home wouldn't change anything I don't think, except I would have my own space, and not feel guilty about cutting or attempting. But guilt can only help me resist for so long, and it is wearing thin. So, so thin. What the fuck does it matter? What the fuck do I matter? It's 12.30am, I'm in an unfamiliar environment, so I can't go for a walk. When I was younger, people promised me it would get better. Those people lied. It doesn't. It never will. Because of me. I'm such a fuck up, I'm a horrible, horrible person. My heart is pounding, my hands are shaking and I need this to be over. People treat me like shit because that is what I deserve, but I can't handle it. I've brought this on myself, just like a brought everything else on myself, and I swear I am not prepared to do this anymore. Who the fuck would give a shit if I died. People say they would, but it's bullshit. Just like everything else. I don't know what to do. All I do know is that I can't cope with me anymore. I want out. It's too much, time and again. It's game over.
  2. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    just hang in there....hang on....... You are not a fuck up...none of us are. We just.. feel.
    If I can hang in there so can you
    Hang on
  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Donna, it can get better, im not going to make promises though. Hell, i know you well enough, even if it has been too long since we talked.
    We share a lot, you and i.
    Hold on, hold on even when you want to let go.
    There are many that care for you here, you know that.
    I have not been around for anybody really and i feel ashamed i have not been there more for you.
    Truth is though, i had to give myself love first, only then did the tank fill up enough to be able to offer it once more.
    Stay safe, please. x
  4. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    How can I hang on? And why should I? There is no point to any of it. People lie, and they are cruel. They say they care, they don't. They say I matter, I don't. They said things would get better, they haven't. So what am I hanging on for? Empty promises, sugarcoated lies? Not any more. I see it for what it is. This.. this life.. it's not for me. It never was, and it all makes sense now. I don't give a shit if by doing this, I let people win.. if death is losing I'll gladly bow to defeat. Living behind a cloud of glimmers of false hope, that was stupid of me.. but now? Now everything is crystal clear.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    can you talk to those 2 people you know? can they help?

    You do matter and you have friends here who think you are important..
    we don't want to lose you..

    and if people have told you they 'give a shit' if you die then please believe them..they will be devastated if you go through with it..

    if you don't feel safe then get to ER and get some help asap..
  6. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    One of the people I know is part of the problem, kind of, and also has issues themselves, so I couldn't put my ridiculous crap on them, and the other person I don't know properly, we are meeting in a few hours for the first time, and I don't think it would be appropriate or considerate for me to spill my guts to them, just wouldn't be fair, and would be embarassing. To be honest, I genuinely don't think anyone can help. Everything I touch, and I mean everything.. turns to shit.

    I have friends here for a while, and then I either push them away, or they see the real me and run for the hills. I try and make a point of explaining to people beforehand what I am like, but they don't believe me, and promise not to leave.. but they always do. See? More broken promises. And it's all my fault. How am I supposed to deal with that? I can't blame anyone else for the complete loser I am, except myself. The one person I hate in the world is myself. And I can't get away from me any other way.

    No one will be devastated if I commit suicide. People say they care and stuff, but how can people care about someone like me? I'm never number 1.. to anyone.. and I never was. And it sounds selfish but I just wanted that, just for a short while, just so I knew how it felt. But I've never been good enough for anybody. There is always someone funnier, cooler, thinner, prettier, more outgoing, less crazy.. the list is endless. And it's true.. people like me don't deserve first place. People think they care, but when the time comes, they won't be overly bothered, which is the one positive in this sorry mess I guess.

    I don't want to go to ER. My thoughts of suicide aren't because of the chemical imbalances within my brain, it's situational. I'm trying to hang on until I meet this person, I don't know to do so, but I'll try. And then afterwards.. I have no idea. And I don't actually care. Caring never got me anywhere before, so fuck it all.

    Thanks for your response, sorry I seem so negative, but it's all the truth
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    sending my hugs to you :hug:
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sorry i didn't see this thread earlier

    i care

    it's not a lie

    please think about going home early. that way you can lean on some of your supports. sounds like you are unraveling even further the longer you are away from them.

    pm me if i can help, and i want to help

    i'm not going anywhere
  10. Catfreak

    Catfreak Active Member

    I know what you mean when you say your not no.1 to anyone because I have always been the same. Yet there is someone who cares, lots I'm guessing it's just we can't see it. I just hope you (and me) see it before it's too late. If your honest with somebody you can trust then I think you'll be pleasantly surprised of the concern and compassion they will have for you. Then of they don't, you know they aren't worth it. Sometimes people don't know how to react to such feelings of depression and are afraid incase they make thongs worse. I found this out recently because a good friend passed on her concerns and those of lots of others onto me and although I was embarassed I was touched and gave me a little light at the end of the tunnel, albeit a flicker. Why do you think your such a bad person? I don't believe anyone is so bad that they deserve to feel and be treated like shit x
  11. Ritsu

    Ritsu Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry to hear you feel this way I wish I knew what I could say or do to make you feel a little better all I can say is that you are not useless or fucked up or anything like that I know how you feel I have felt this way for a while too I have hurt people I care about with the things I have said and done but that does not matter because if they truley care they will forgive you if you need someone to listen please do not be afraid to pm me I am a friend to all who need one and a none judging person and most importantly a shoulder to cry on also can I guess you are in the UK cause of the time.
  12. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    dazzle.. thank you for the kind words, sorry my trust levels are practically non existent. you have been a great help already, and i'm very thankful for that :hug:

    catfreak.. sometimes i am able to see your point, but you're right, it's hard to think that someone could ever care about me. i find it hard to trust and properly open up to people, because everyone has left in the past.. i think mental illness is such a stigmatised topic that people are ignorant to it, because itscares them.. but that doesn't make it any easier for the people suffering from mental illness. it's hard to lay yourself open when there is a huge possibility you will be hurt. i'm sorry that you seem to have such an understanding of how i feel, i wish you didn't, and i sincerely hope things come right for you.. remember all your friends worries and concerns about you, and try and remember that you matter..

    thank you Ritsu for your response. im glad you dont seem to think im useless or a fuck up.. i wish i could believe that. also thank you for your PM offer. I am usually in the UK but im in US at the moment

    I've been thinking when I get home I should start taking my bipolar meds again. the past few days have been difficult, and would be regardless, but maybe they will help level me a tiny bit. my feelings and views of myself havent changed which sucks but there we are lol, shit happens.
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