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Gave in to temptation!!!!!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Jun 3, 2008.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I spent last night and most of today in hospital. Ended up taking what ever pills I had in and cutting my leg, requiring stitches. Was sick at the hospital. Why do I do it. I had another review with the social worker person and she said that I should give that group thing a go as they are the proffessionals and they know best. I don't want the label of having a personality disorder which is another reason why I dont want to go. I ay try it though see if I can get anything out of it.

    Got another appointment with that guy that I like from the same dept on the 25th of this month. I liked him I could talk to him and he is quite gorgeous 2. I am weird aren't I????
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey girl sorry to read this happened. you can always PM me, if i'm around i will answer right away; if not, i'm usually not far away. how are you feeling tonight?

    i know what you mean about labels. they are kicking around the label bipolar for me, and i'm not having any part of it... lol...

    my best friend gave me this advice: don't worry about the labels, just focus on the treatment. do whatever you can to get well... and that whatever will be individual to each of us. maybe a group might be what you need? and a new counsellor... (i haven't forgotten).

  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am feeling like I don't wanna move or get out of bed. I am meant to be going over the bf's later and I can't even be bothered to do that. Ijust wanna stay in my bed today. Had some friends over last night which was nice, they dont know what happened but I had arranged with them previsouly that they were going to come over for dinner.

    I am dreading work this week 2 which is not helping as have like an inspection coming in and it is like preparing for exams again and I am dreading it!

    I am really not enjoying life at the moment! I can't cope wit the way things are!
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    cath has good advice when she says don't worry about the labels. I was worried about being labeled too. Just something about a label for a mental disease versus a medical one. It wouldn't bother me to admit to having cancer, or heart disease, etc, but PTSD, DID or anything like that carries such a stigma. It shouldn't. It needs to be accepted just like any other diagnosis. Concentrate on healing, leave the rest behind. :hug:
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have the phone number for the place that is personality disorder network but I keep putting off calling them. I keep losing the nerve. Feel so down today and to do anything is a massive strain. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't see any way out of this at all!
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    after such a stressful evening you should take time off to recuperate and heal. i always visualize a big giant nest, made out of your duvet or comforter... with some healthy snacks, a relaxing movie to watch, phone off the hook, and work, family or school responsibilities set aside for a few days. you need time to heal.

    when you feel a bit stronger, why not give the group a call. if you don't like how they sound there's no obligation to go and see them, right? just consider it "research" and you are in the gathering info stage.

    okay, back to building that nest! i believe i owe you a few rounds of scramble!

  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry with you for all that's going on in your life right now. Life doesn't always seem fair.

    It sounds as though you're glad to have survived your attempt, that there may be good things ahead for you. Hang on until you find the right support.

    I haven't minded "labels" because they help me understand myself and what my needs are, especially in terms of therapy and support groups. I'm in a PTSD group, a depression/anxiety group, and see two therapists. Sometimes I think they can't figure me out.

    You're doing some good things in taking care of yourself. As you say, they may help, but you will never know unless you give them a chance. They may give you the strength you need to resist the next temptation.
  8. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    What gets me is they say to me that an OD wont work but it reckon it would. It worked for Heath Ledger didn't it. I am just working on finding the right combination now!
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I dunno how I feel about it. The social worker asked me and i don't know, I said I don't know. I can't even remember going to hospital. Seems as though I was found in some shop door way - I can't remember leaving the house. I think I went to the shop to buy more pills but it was closed. I really don't know, I wasn't me...if that makes sense.
    My lap top is now really pissing me off as the M button is playing up and I have to keep stabbing at it. I had to go in to work today and tmrrw and sat. I am looking for a new job now as I think this one is 2 stressful and I dont get anything out of it. Yeh I get financial gain but nothing personal.

    As much as I like my manager, he makes jokes about being suicidial as as a team we are not hitting target, I can;t turn round to him and say don't joke as dont want him to have any inclin as to what is going on. I have to put on this front that I am ok, I am happy and that there is nothing bothering me. I like it when i can spend the days on my own being who I want to be. If I wanna cry I can do without people getting involved. I have never been an outwardly emotional person as I dont like people who cry all the time, I can't be doing with it. In fact I don't think I have actually cried in about 2-3 months - except at homeward bound the film. Ok I know that is sad!!!

    I feel paranoid 24/7 that someone I know will cotton on to what has happened, that someone will recognise me as the person who was throwing up all over the place. I can't cope with the secrets. I can't cope with the truth. It is like I have 2 different people inside of me. I can't cry when I am sad anymore, I cut or try to kill myself. I don;t want to lose respect of people I love so I will prob just carry on the way things are until one day I get "it" right!
  10. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I can relate to the paranoia. People have some weird attitudes about suicide. It has helped me a lot to have a few people I could talk with. I've received great help from county mental health therapists and a support group. It really does help to have a good listener. We're here online to do what we can, but there's nothing like a person with skin.

    It had been many years not crying until I was in a very nice mental health facility. Then I couldn't stop for the next two weeks. But when I got home, I was back to being a non-cryer, much as I needed to. My therapist has heard me cry a few times. Maybe you can find someone to bring out those healing tears.

    Best wishes.
  11. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    Please don't worry about the labels, for that is all they are. You are a very loving, kind human being, and that is the only lable that should ever matter. I have Asperger Syndrome, yes it's a label, but it also means I am entitiled to alot more help and support than if I was not diagnosed.
    I don't doubt that if I was to be re assessed now as an adult they might well find some kind of personality disorder. I am afraid to seek help for my PMDD incase it is mistaken as one. I must also decide to ether get help or carry on in alot of pain with severe mood inbalences & a hole heap of very dehbilitating symptoms for up to 2 weeks each month.

    I am online a lot on here or on IM, so if you ever need to talk in private my ear will make time to listen. Please try not to take any more OD's, I know how hard this is but it would be so sad to lose a person like you, someone who has so much to like about them. If you feel like you might do this again, GET ONLINE, someone on here will help you, that is what we are here for.

  12. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Maybe I will try calling them - look at it as research. I kind of like that idea - I spose by calling it is not as though I am there. I dunno, I wanna wait til I see that guy though.

    I have been quite all over the place today- prob work as had quite a full on day. I wish I wasn't there tomorrow.

    I am looking for a new job though as I can't do this one full time. I need something more than just financial gain from a job. Applied for quite a few different ones online in like youth work etc. I have specified on online sites what type of work I want to do and I am still getting people emailing me about financial stuff as I have worked in finance for the past 3 years now. I don't want to do that though... it bores the hell out of me. Maybe if I can find something where I get more out of it I may feel less like killing myself everyday. Who knows!!!!!
  13. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    My friends are always letting me down. 1st they book a holiday and I am not even asked if I want to go, I did actually, I have not said anything. I couldn't afford it but I am sure my parents and bf would have given me money between them to pay for it as I am not going anywhere this year. Then I am trying to organise my birthday bbq in a couple of weeks but people keep dropping out. I don't know why I bother. I end up getting really upset and hurt and now I just can't be bothered. It really does make me think that I wouldn't be missed if I was actually sucessful in killing myself. No one seems to care anyway. I am sick of always being the one trying to arrange things with people and I just can;t be bothered with hassle and always feeling like I do. Infact it was 3 sets of friends who have done this with holiday thing. It would have been nice to have been asked. It really has made me feel like going through with everything.

    I am so pissed off and upset right now and I am so sick of feeling like this, let down etc.
  14. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hey i'm sorry that happened with your friends. that really sucks.

    please don't hurt yourself.

    can you try and e-mail your friends, or call them and talk about it? it might be hard to do, but you'll never know their reasons unless you ask. we tend to interpret these things in a way that puts ourselves in the worst possible light.
  15. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    can't go on like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I don't have the energy anymore! It just feels like it is the straw that has broke the camels back now. I am really ready now to give up everything. I am not even sure if I wanna hold on for my bf as I am beginning not to be as happy with him. If I dont hve that and I dont have friends then I realy cant see a point anymore. I don't know why I am not as happy with him, nothing has really changed maybe it is just the depression. I know that I just can't cope anymore.
  16. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Re: can't go on like this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    please don't give up. there are still things to try, like calling the support group, and seeing that doc/sw/nurse (can't remember his title)... the one you liked... back at the hospital. it's only been a week since you were last in the hospital, not a time for making big decisions. it's the time for resting, nurturing yourself, and healing. please let us help.
  17. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I can not see how things will improve though. I dont have any energy left. I can't live like this and I have tried so many different things to try and make me feel better but nothing works and I really can't carry on the way things are.
  18. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    when you feel you can't carry on, just find a safe place, curl up and ride that wave. the feeling will pass. the trick is to not hurt yourself when you are in that frame of mind. you can survive this, just hang on tight! sending you a big hug from ireland, c.
  19. RememberLove

    RememberLove Member

    I know what´s like when you feel that you have sooooooooooooooo much sadness and pain inside and you cant get it out...

    Sometimes i wish i could be strong enough to scream out everything i have inside me on the beach... but im to coward to do that :dry:

    I put on "Ghostwhispers" instead and sometimes i get to have a really nice cry-ventilation... Guaranteed tears at least!
  20. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    If I start crying I wont stop. I have gone from not crying at all to crying near enough constantly!
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