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Gave myself a year to turn things around

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Blackbird33, Mar 26, 2013.

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  1. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    This past year I've tried therapy, medication, traveled, joined a gym. Yet here I am back down the rabbit hole. I have no real future, no friends, and other than 3 family members no one really gives a fuck about me. I do have a job but even that I'm mediocre at, day to day I have nothing going for me. The only reason why I havent ended things is for the few family members that care about me I don't want to be even more of a disappointment or hurt them. But I can't go on living all the wonderful things about being alive just do not enter my life.

    I know people on here are probably tired of my pity parties and think I'm just some loser looking for attention. But really I'm just a lost soul who doesn't belong here.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    no one will think that hun you suffer from depression like most do here i am sorry meds don't seem to work have you tired newer ones hun Depression does that hun sometime you feel fine then out blue it pulls you under again I do hope hun you hang out here ok you will make friends and as i said no one will judge y ou here hugs
  3. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That could be me Blackbird33, down to the three family members. It is hard to see others with friends and partners and always go home to emptiness and cold.
    You have done some great things there, have you made any friends at the gym or the other places?
  5. SadBk

    SadBk Well-Known Member

    I think people on here are pretty used to people's "pity parties" as you say... I call it suffering and reaching out... trying to find some comfort, some way to minimize the pain... life is hard to do alone. *hugs* I hope things get better for you.

    I was drawn to your post because my first inclination was to end my life one year after it fell apart. Now I'm thinking a year and a half, if I even end up doing it.
  6. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    I tried it put myself in social situations in the hopes that I might find a new friend and though people were nice. But no lasting connections were made. I love my family but sometimes I wish I could move away and quietly kill myself with no fanfare. I don't deserve anyone's tears.
  7. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    I just can't see myself surviving much longer.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You aren't throwing a pity party... you're depressed and you're hurting. :hug: You can post as much as you want or need to, and I really do hope you reach out here. This can be a place to make connections, to build friendships, but you have to reach out.
  9. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I feel it's better to keep my distance from people because I don't plan on living much longer.
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well, I can say that I am kind of there with you. I tried new things which ended up in failure and throwing me even further into self-loathing than when I started. So I know what you are going through... however I cannot really help you since I am incapable of helping myself.
  11. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's a pity party to share what's too much to hold inside. Seems some days it's a minute by minute battle and having someone "interact" helps me a little. I hope responses here help lift the darkness and pain a little for you. Sorry things feel so bleak right now. :(

    I hope you don't mind a gentle cyber hug or two :hug: ♥
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    But having friends, people to connect with and relate to, might ease the loneliness, which might make things easier for you to bear.
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am sorry things are feeling so awful now. I am not sure that further isolation may be the answer. i think it might just make things worse. Are you feeling strong enough to volunteer? Someone years ago suggested to me that i become a dog walker at the local shelter. I didnt do it. But it was a good idea to suggest. I too agree with what everyone is saying. There is no pity party going on. Its pain. Real pain that you are writing about. So many of us can understand that of course.
  14. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    I've given myself about four years but that's mainly because of health problems linked to isolation. However, I think that the idea of volunteering is a really good one - especially if you could do something where you're helping other people or linked to an interest that you've either had in the past or have now or would like to do. I've done three voluntary jobs and I've found that its taken me about four to five weeks to settle in but then after that I've felt more of part of the team and people are just so pleased that you are volunteering that they are usually pretty friendly and nice to you. Here in the uk we have an organisation thats online that lists most voluntary opportunities nationally but there are also various charities, hospitals, animal sanctuaries, and care homes. Perhaps they have a similar website where you're based?

    I do understand what its like not to have friends and just have one friend in real life now. I've struggled at times a lot with relationship-building skills or finding the person to 'click' with. But my ex-husband seemed more successful and he took a different approach to me - he was always the one to contact people first and didn't get offended if people went ages before they contacted him - he just kept being friendly. He seemed to have a stronger sense of self-esteem I think and ended up meeting a new wife after we divorced.

    I'm sorry that you're hurting. I wish I knew what else to say to help. Actually, there is one thing that crosses my mind which I have tried a bit which might sound silly but I read it can be quite a powerful thing to do - it is to look in a mirror and say to yourself 'I love you and approve of you just the way you are'. There are other exercises like that in the book You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and she and other people say that their life has been turned round by affirming things like that over and over to themselves. I started reading her book and must admit that I did feel a bit better after a while of doing it and have thought of listening to some of her audio tapes, but I'm not sure I go with all of her philosophy - but I guess you can just take what works.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 28, 2013
  15. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    The only time I really make an effort to get out is when goto work otherwise I spend most of the day in bed. I'm a waste of space and serve no purpose. I read the paper and see some baby or kid that was killed who had their whole life ahead and wonder why it couldn't be me.
  16. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    maybe it would be worth speaking to your doctor about this and see if he give you better meds to help you on the road to recovery.
  17. iceblue

    iceblue Well-Known Member

    I understand that when you're feeling low sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is going out and trying something like a social activity, voluntary job, or club ... but there are people out there who would benefit by you being around and by your contribution, and after a little while, it could help to boost your mood too. It's not true that you're a waste of space and serve no purpose - you're already working and you have a family who care - but it sounds like things outside of work have been getting you down for a long while.

    I agree that as things are feeling so bleak, an antedepressant could really help for a while and also think that it would be worth visiting your doctor. In addition, there are many different types of counselling or therapy which could offer you emotional support and help you get back on track and be more hopeful about the things that deep down you would really like to do or perhaps used to want to do, but haven't done for a while. Lots of people really need this extra support and find that it helps turn their life around - its not a quick fix, but it can be a chance to build a relationship with someone that can support you through tough times or a period of change or growth.

    In the past I found cognitive behavioural therapy with a psychologist very helpful for addressing negative core beliefs. Also art therapy can be a great way of resolving issues and processing and shifting emotions. It could be really worth checking out options available to you - there's also psychotherapy or family therapy. If you're on a low income, it might be that a fee could be negotiated.
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