Gay and lonely, I lost the person I love.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by doniphan77, May 28, 2009.

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  1. doniphan77

    doniphan77 Member

    I came to USA about 7 years ago. In my country, Cuba, it was like hell, I was about to commit suicide if I had to stay there. Im gay and my parents hated me because of that and the society was extremely homophobic. I was poor, shy, lonely, ugly, weird with no friends and awfull life.
    But then, I had a reason to live: I had the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. He was extremely cute, intelligent, perfect. We had the same interests and goals in life. We loved music, the art, books. We studied the same career and we wanted to join our lives forever. He was my only hope.
    When I had the possibility to leave the country I had to take a difficult decision. He insisted that I should go on and leave him behind. In Cuba I had no life, but in USA I could have lots of possibilities and maybe he could join me someday. He insisted and I agreed and left. I cant never forget the moment I saw him for the last time, we were so sad, we wanted to hold each others forever, we didnt know if we could meet again.
    And all these years since I left were emotionally very difficult. I could make a wonderful life in USA, I made all my dreams come truth, but he was not there with me. We both tried to forget but we couldnt. We were made one for the other and our lives had no sense separated.
    One year ago, he took a boat and risked his life trying to sail to USA to be here with me. But an accident happened and he drowned in the coast of Miami and died. Now I just want to die. I have a younger brother here who needs me and thats the only reason I havent killed myself yet, but sometimes I just cant anymore, Im not alive, Im broken in pieces, there is no pain comparable with my suffering. One year since then and I dont sleep, I dont think, the world is down and Im not the same person anymore.
    When we were so close to the happiness, I just received his dead body and had to bury the most wonderful person ever existed, the one I loved the most, the only one who had ever loved me and could make me happy.
  2. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Life sucks. I hate to be so calloused and cold, but awful shit happens all the time.

    But we can't give up. Why? I'm not sure. But it'll make sense once we get to the other side, and find that reason. You have to keep going. You have to find that reason. There are other guys. None will be the same as him, but... you'll find a wonderful one. And he might just be enough reason to live, but you'll never find him if you commit suicide now.
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    That is so sad. :sad:

    I'm very sorry for your loss.
  4. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I'm so sorry for your loss. It was a sad story that brought tears to my eyes. But you have a lot going for you and surely you can meet someone eventually.

    You made a life here and he would not want you to commit suicide. Also, you have your brother to take care of. Feel free to send me a private message if you want to.
  5. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    I am so sorry for your loss!! :hug: Being gay, dealing with the hatred out there is hard enough, coming from your family is ten times harder!!

    I too was disowned by my dad for many years... and only started to get a chance to rebuild that relationship right before he died. Luckily my mom always supported me!!

    I know you're feeling heartbroken and empty inside... but your brother needs you. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk! :hug:
  6. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    It's time to start thinking about the future. You will always carry the pain, and that will be your burden.

    You have many opportunities for love and success ahead of you.
  7. tendenCs_89

    tendenCs_89 Well-Known Member

    Thats one hell of a moving story there... and its completely understandable you feel the way you do because of your loss.

    It sounds to me that the main reason you adored this guy so much was because he loved you back. If you come from a family and a society that doesnt love or accept you it is natural to think that you are unlovable or that there is something wrong with you. So for someone to contradict that and love you would make you feel that you ARE valued and loved and so this guy appears to have been so important to you because he valued who you are and gave your life worth and importance.

    Moving on may seem insane at this time, when you are still in love with this guy, but another guy will definetely come along who will make you feel full of worth and importance again, and make you feel happy with yourself. So dont give up because the man you loved has gone, there will be another guy who will make you feel the same way.

    You can still respect and hold dear your love for him, but like justafool said you need to look to the future and accept that this pain will stay with you. You will be loved and appreciated by others and have a full life ahead of you to look forward to.

    Try and see that and live for it! :) :) :)

    Good luck!
  8. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    That was heartbreaking Doniphan, I've never cried from reading a post, although I have come close, but that absolutely broke my heart and I am so so sorry for your loss and I just want to offer out a massive hug and to tell you that, you are so lucky - because even though he is no longer with you, you had somebody who loved you so much that he just wanted to be with you. And I know my words might not help at all but I hope you can hold on to that and know what it means to know that you were once loved that much by somebody.
    I hope one day you find peace with this and find a way to remember him forever, maybe plant a tree or get a tattoo somewhere private where only you know where it is or something, never forget him and hold onto him in your heart. One day you will love again but it doesn't mean that you ever have to forget about him.
    I wish you lots of luck hun xx
  9. doniphan77

    doniphan77 Member

  10. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    You have to live without him. He wants, above all else, you to be happy, and not dead.
  11. doniphan77

    doniphan77 Member

    Cant sleep

    Im still awake, as usually. Every night I go to bed between 2 or 3 am, sometimes later. Im falling asleep, I keep saying I want to go to bed, my eyes are almost closed, my head goes up and down. But, at the same time, I want to stay here, sitting in front of my computer thinking about you, remembering those nights when you had internet and we stayed chatting all the night, dreaming about the moment when we will meet and could finally be together again and happy.
    I cant sleep, as almost every night. Fortunatelly, this is my third night without sleeping, tomorrow I hope I can go to bed and rest and relax. Then the cycle will begin again: three nights awake, one night of tired rest.
    I wish I could go sleep tonite and never awake. I dont know if Ill meet you again if I die. I want to be with you, forever, as we dreamed so many nights.
    I cant sleep, neither you can. Because you are here sitting by my side, holding my hands very tight. I can feel you, I can see you. You are always watching me, wating for my moment to die and go there where you are now waiting for me and then, forever together, in an eternal dream, go to bed and sleep as much as we want.
    I love you Feisy, you are always on my mind. Te amo.
  12. doniphan77

    doniphan77 Member

    How can I bring you to life? I cant live without you, I love you so much. I need you. Please, I just want to relax my head, it hurts so much, I cant live with this stress. I wish I could die and rest, maybe then I can see you again. So many years for nothing. I cant stop dreaming about you every night. I imagine you here, with me, as so many times we dreamed. I cant forget your voice crying on the phone when you talked to me. We were so distant and at the same time we needed each other so much. Why couldnt we be happy together, the entire world would had be ours. So many dreams that we had. I cant forget when we walked by those old brick streets. We had nothing but we were so happy together. Now Im dead without you. You are not, you are in heaven. Such wonderful people like you can only be there. Gods could not accept such a beautiful person lived on earth, and they took you with them, above them. You are my God. I miss you so much. Te amo mucho mi Feisy, no puedo vivir sin ti.
  13. passer

    passer Active Member

    I had to quit playing football (soccer) a few years ago so now that has made me look even uglier , finally i'm in love with a girl instead of a guy and now my looks avoid her from loving me, everyone tells me "how can you love someone that doesn't find you attractive" , but i don't know the answer. I was depressed two years ago and it's all happening again, it's like i have two persons, one that wants to live and one that wants to kill me...
    But the key to me still being alive is the thought of what tomorrow will bring, maybe things will get better, maybe she will ever love me more as just friends so mate just wait for what the next thing will bring and be happy , even for the small things like winning a little money on the lottery... hope this helped you (i'm not really good at english or at talking to people)
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