i don't even know why i'm bothering posting this but here it goes. i'm gay and just don't know what to do anymore. i've been in love with my best friend for the last 10 years but the biggest problem is he's mostly straight. i say mostly because we have messed around before and there was even a time when he said he wanted a relationship with me but then promptly changed his mind. i fell for him very quickly and haven't been able to move on. it just kills me inside to see him dating women (which he hasn't done much of until recently) and lately he's too busy with dating and hanging out with my former friends to have any time for me. he criticizes me for not wanting to hang out with him and his girlfriends or him and the friend that betrayed me. he says i'm too demanding that he compartmentalize me from the rest of his life. i say he's and insensitive prick for wanting me, who has been in love with him for 10 years, to hang out with the current ***** of the week that he's dating. i feel like my life is falling apart. he's pretty much the only thing that i cherished in this world and he doesn't seem to care how i feel. my job sucks, i'm broke, i'm getting older and i'm alone. i spent way too much of my life not accepting the fact that i'm gay and then soon after acceptance i met him and kept waiting around thinking things would change. now i'm almost 40, completely clueless when it comes to relationships and feel like the guys i'm attracted to would never give me a chance. i really feel like i'm just on cruise control these days. the only emotion i seem to feel is anger and then sometimes i'm just overwhelmed and cry. more often than not, though, i feel nothing. just empty. i literally think about killing myself on a daily basis and the only reason i don't is because i don't want to hurt my parents. once they pass away, all bets are off. i don't want to hurt my friends either but i don't feel as much obligation to them as i do my family. people have suggested i go to therapy. i've been there done that and have the t-shirt. the first "therapist" i went to tried to change my orientation. it didn't work but then i felt completely betrayed when i found out that he was tried and convicted of molesting his clients. the second therapist i went to was very nice, didn't try to get me to change to straight but was absolutely ineffectual. the third therapist i went to wanted me to play with dolls and yell at them about how daddy didn't love me enough. when i objected he just pushed harder. idiot. i've tried a few different anti-depressants. some worked for a while then stopped. some made me completely crazy. even if i found one that worked i couldn't afford it. i'm just so sick of living and hating every moment of every day. i know it's probably just my fault for being unmotivated but i just can't cope anymore. even the thought of me dying doesn't affect me. i really just wish a bus would run me over and save me the trouble.